


Broken Toys

by Herobrinex



Series: In the Name of God [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Dean, Bullying, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Being an Asshole, Loss of Faith, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Religious Castiel, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-03-04 04:46:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 79,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2952911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herobrinex/pseuds/Herobrinex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> When you're feeling like shit, it’s quite nice to have someone around you who comforts you and helps you through your pain and grief, right? Then why wasn’t Dean open? Why didn’t he let him come close? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Because John Winchester made his way back into the life of his sons by being involved in a car accident, the Winchesters meet the religious Milton-Novak family.<br/>Thats's when the 20-year old Castiel Novak decides to meet the old priest Metatron again, who forces him to enter roads that lead him to a whole new level of 'faith'.<br/>And when Dean Winchester finds out about Castiel's broken family and his dark past, and slowly falls in love with him, the weight on his own shoulders is becoming more and more unbearable for him.</p><p><em>He would never forgive himself if something happened to Dean. So he didn't. Everything could've ended well. Castiel could've been happy. He had been </em> so <em> close. </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidental Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean could blame everyone. He could blame his father for having the brilliant idea to drive after drinking a whole bottle of whiskey. He  could blame the fucking ambulance that arrived far too late at the place of accident. He could blame the hospital for 'not having enough space' at the time of their arrival. He could blame the surgeon for the fatal mistake he made during his father's surgery.  
> But he didn't blame a single one of them. He was only blaming himself. _Dean_ shouldn't have been such an moron and _he_ shouldn't have yelled at his own father. John's life was difficult enough, even without a worthless son like _he_ is. Everyone had suffered by _his_ idiotic behavior. This was all _his_ fault.
> 
> And he couldn't even do _anything_ about it.

Dean opened his eyes and yawned. After he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, and his blurry vision returned to normal, he focused his attention on the hospital bed that stood beside his chair. The person he cared about was still laying in it. His father's facial expression still hadn't changed yet, and his eyes were still closed. John had been in a coma for several weeks now, but the accident seemed to be happened yesterday. John had been drunk again. And Dean had yelled at him, so his dad decided to go for a drive and had hit an 21 year old kid.

He knew his father. He had always been a heavy drinker, and Dean knew he was drinking because of the loss of his wife. Dean also missed his mother, and he was quite a drinker too, but his father was just a different story. However lately there hadn't been one evening that John wasn't drunk. He and Sam had tried to help, but it never seemed to work. It even got _worse_. Sam had given up on his dad, and left. And Dean had just kept trying. He had tried so fucking hard, but his father's alcoholism didn't seem to end. Well, at least now he isn't drunk. Now dad's in the special department of a hospital, fighting for his life.

Everyone Dean knew was informed about his alcoholic father. But who would've known that he would be so stupid to go for a drive while he was drunk? _He_ should have known. Dean clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white and his nails dug into his palms painfully. He could have done something about it. Then everything would have been different. There wouldn't have been so much _pain_.

The poor kid John had hit during his joyride was worse off than himself. Multiple fractures and internal bleedings in his brain had led to a shock, and Samandriel was kept in an artificial coma to prevent everything from getting worse. In contrast to his father, _he_ was still in a life threatening situation. Dean had seen Samandriel's family while he was being operated.

Samandriel's mother had been furious at him, screaming that this would never be over. That her child would suffer from the accident forever and he would _never_ be the same again. Dean couldn't do anything else but stare into the distance and just listen to the harsh words of the older woman, keeping all of his emotions inside so he wouldn't just start crying while everyone could see him.

No one needed to know how broken he actually was.

Dean could blame everyone. He could blame his father for having the brilliant idea to drive after drinking a whole bottle of whiskey. He  could blame the fucking ambulance that arrived far too late at the place of accident. He could blame the hospital for 'not having enough space' at the time of their arrival. He could blame the surgeon for the fatal mistake he made during his father's surgery.

But he didn't blame a single one of them. He was only blaming himself. _Dean_ shouldn't have been such an moron and _he_ shouldn't have yelled at his own father. John's life was difficult enough, even without a worthless son like _he_ is. Everyone had suffered by _his_ idiotic behavior. This was all _his_ fault.

And he couldn't even do _anything_ about it.

Dean was startled back to the present by his brother who rushed into his father's room. "Dean!! The doctors... They've all agreed that it's no longer necessary to maintain Samandriel in his coma for any longer! And he- He..." Sam stopped talking to catch his breath. Dean just kept sitting there, looking at his brother with his eyes half-closed, still tired of not sleeping well enough the last few days. Why was he being so excited? What exactly was so great about this? Samandriel's life was still in danger. The chance that he would be conscious again, directly after being in a coma for almost a month, was so incredibly small. He couldn't be. He just _couldn't_ be... right?

"Dean… Samandriel's conditions have all been improved drastically. No one knows how it's possible. The doctors say he's probably going be just like he was before the accident. Like nothing's happened at all. This is a fucking _miracle_ , Dean."

Dean widened his eyes and held his breath for a moment. "Is he ... is Samandriel- Is he ..? Right now ..?" Dean stumbled over his words and looked into the hazel eyes of his brother, already showing some hope. His breath caught in his throat when Sam nodded.

Dean jumped up from his chair to rush to the chamber next door, almost tripping over his own feet. Maybe it all wasn't as bad as it seemed. Of course Samandriel would never forgive him for what he had caused, but he would probably be able to go on with his life. He would still have a whole life ahead of him and could still be _happy_.

Once in the doorway of Samandriel's room, Dean ran against a man that stood in the way. He looked up to see his face and stared right into his widely opened eyes. The piercing blues looked at him, shocked to meet his moss-green ones. "Oh .. I'm- I apologize." The man said awkwardly. Dean just kept staring at him, immediately derived from the whole situation.

He didn't recognize the guy. He had never seen him with Samandriel's family, at least for the last month he'd known them. And besides, his black and thick, almost curly hair wasn't even close to the thin blonde hair Samandriel and major part of his family had. So there wasn't any chance that this guy was related to them. So who the fuck was he and what was he doing _here_?

Dean noticed he had been staring into the blue eyes for way too long. Meanwhile, the guy had started squinting his eyes, as his head was slightly tilted to the left. "I- uh ... Yeah, I mean, no. I should be sorry, man. Running in a hospital's not the smartest thing ever, you know." Dean mumbled. The guy gave him a single shy smile before he dropped his gaze and walked past. Dean decided to ask about the mysterious guy later, after he was sure Samandriel was safe again.

Samandriel's room was even more crowded than usual. Several doctors were standing on the one side of the room, while Samandriel's father, a teenage girl and boy, and a little boy were standing on the other, talking softly to each other. In the bed he could see Samandriel, eyes still closed, just like Dean was used to see him. As soon as Samandriel's mother had noticed his presence, she stopped talking and everyone looked at Dean. There was an unpleasant silence, until the mother rose and started yelling at him.

"How dare you show your face right now? What makes you think you're even welcome here?!" She rose her voice even more as her eyes started to show a growing amount of blazing rage. Dean stumbled back and almost fell over, but luckily his brother was standing behind him just in time to prevent him to fall. Sam tried to save the situation from getting out of hand. "It wasn't his fault, ma'am. No one could possibly have known what our father was capable of-" Sam got interrupted by a soft voice of a girl. 

“Mom, we can't blame Dean for what he obviously didn't do. We all know it wasn't him, but his _dad_ who drove the car." The red-haired girl, most likely Samandriel's sister, said with a soothing voice, trying to calm down her mother. Then the youngest boy, he seemed to be in his late teens, started talking with an amused smile on his face. "Don't interrupt them Anna, I gotta see this. When are you gonna hurt him, Mom?". The oldest one just kept a straight face, not seeming to be surprised by his brother's behaviour.

"Dean... I think it would be best if we went back to dad, and just let them-" Sam started, but then something happened. One of the doctors was the first to notice. Everyone went quiet and Dean could feel his heart beating in his chest, not knowing what he was supposed to do now. His ears were beeping in his head, already giving him a horrible headache, and he was breathing heavily. Despite the horrible noise in his head, he could hear someone saying in a hushed tone: "Hey Samandriel. Welcome back in the world of the living."

Samandriel had opened his eyes.

 

***

 

Dean hadn’t been out of the hospital for a few days now. He had been sleeping for only a couple of hours the past week, and he was _tired_. He was really, _really_ tired. He wanted to go home so badly, and just take a normal shower, and sleep in his own bed. But what if Dad woke up when he wasn’t there? When no one he knew was there to care for him, only those weird-ass nurses and doctors.  He just couldn’t trust them alone with his father.

After Samandriel had woken up, the doctors had requested them to leave the room, so that there wouldn’t be too much pressure on their patient. Dean had wanted to argue with them, but Sam had practically dragged him out of Samandriel’s room, entirely agreeing with what the doctors had requested.

Dean casted his eyes onto his brother, who was still reading some kind of nerdy book he’d already finished twice. Probably he was simply trying to kill the time. Dean cleared his throat. “Uhmm.. Did you see that random dude too? Who walked out of Samandriel’s room before we entered?” Sam looked up from his book and glanced at him with curious eyes.

“What ‘random dude’? You know we’re in the special department, so no ‘random dude’ could’ve been here. Are you sure that you didn’t just imagine it?” Sam’s eyes started to fill themselves with worry. “Dean? You’re not hallucinating, are you? I mean, you haven’t exactly had enough sleep, and... Why don’t you go home and just let me stay here with Dad, so you-” “I’m not hallucinating, saw the damn guy and he was fucking THERE, with his blue eyes and his hair all black, and..”

“Are you talking about Castiel?” Dean vaguely recognized the voice and looked up at Samandriel’s sister entering the room. Her face was enlivened by a soft smile, while twinkling eyes looked expectantly at him and his brother.

She immediately stood back when she noticed both of them kept staring at her. “Oh. I’m sorry, I should’ve introduced myself beforehand. I’m Anna. Samandriel is my brother.” She gave Sam a bright smile as she shook hands with him. How could she be so fucking friendly and cheery if her brother was stuck in a friggin’ hospital? And she’s even in the same room with the damn guy who caused it all. Confusion made place for a great amount of guilt when he thought of all the pain she must have been through. Because of his failure to protect his dad. Because of his failure.. She’d been, and god, probably still _is_ , in great pain because of _him_. And damn,  she’s still being so fucking nice to him.

Before he could process everything, she was standing before his chair, almost touching his bow-shaped legs with hers. She offered him a handshake too, while a mild blush started to color her dimpled cheeks. He stared right into her pale brown eyes as he slowly rose his left hand, reaching for hers. Her eyes were almost, _almost_ , as beautiful as the blue ones he’d seen earlier today. He carefully grabbed her hand, his rough and coarse one already welcoming hers, being wonderfully soft and tender. He squeezed tightly but gently. “Dean,” He said with a smirk on his face, “the name’s Dean.”

Anna giggled and smiled with the most beautiful smile Dean had seen in ages, when she slowly let go of him. Dean pulled back his hand, already missing the warmth that she’d given him with only one single touch.

“So... His name’s Castiel, right? Is he family or something?” Dean asked, trying not to stare in her beautiful eyes for too long.” “Yes. He’s one of my stepbrothers, and he wanted to see how Samandriel was doing.”

Sam frowned. “But.. Why didn’t he come earlier? I mean, it’s already been a month, and-“ He got interrupted by Anna’s sigh. “My family is quite… religious, and they keep him from the outside world. They want to protect him because they all believe that God gave Castiel some kind of gift. That _he_ is a gift.”

The smile had almost completely faded away from her face, as her sad eyes were fixed on the wall. Gift? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Castiel a _gift_? Weirdos. Dean turned his head to glance at Sam, mouthing the word at him, not even bothering to hide his smile. When Sam shook his head and gave him a bitchface, he rolled his eyes and brought his full attention to Anna as she continued.

“They don’t even see him as family anymore, they just made him some kind of machine that obeys every single order he gets, without thinking for himself. Only my brother Gabriel and I think about him differently. Only we care for him. My stepmother always keeps him inside our house, not wanting to have anyone come near him. He’s just so alone and- There are times he’s just so sad, and that he doesn’t know what to do...” Dean heard her voice break as a single tear rolled over her cheek.

“He just wants to be _loved_ , and he thinks he can only get that by family. He doesn’t even have _friends_! And it’s all their fault!” Dean froze in his seat when she spat the angry words in their faces. She sounded really furious, but there was also some desperation in her voice, that made Dean think of himself. He could relate to her. Having the need of protecting your family, wanting to take care of them, and having the feeling of being powerless. He should help her out. He could… He could be friends with this Castiel dude. He seemed like a good person anyway, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be that bad. What could go wrong, right?

Anna was breathing heavy now, her hands clenched into tight fists and eyes filled with rage. Dean softly said her name, trying to calm her down. She responded immediately, relaxing her body a bit and letting out a deep breath, sending  cool minty air into his face. The tawny brown eyes were fixed on him again, still watery from the tears. “What?”

“He talked to me today. He seemed a pretty… nice person to me, so I’m sure we’d, you know, be friends, if I knew him better.”

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “Did he _spoke_ to you? Wow. That’s… quite an improvement, to be honest. Castiel used to be really shy and unsocial at times. But people change, don’t they?  I could introduce him to you two? If you want to, of course? It would be amazing if he finally made some friends, and I think it would really help him out.” Dean could already hear the hope in her voice.

“Yeah, it would. I’d like a new buddy as well, so I’m in.” Dean gave her a warm smile, and she returned one. Sam interrupted their intimate moment, as always. “But… What kind of ‘gift’ are we talking about here, Anna?”

She couldn’t stop smiling. “My brother Castiel can help those who are wounded. He has the ability to _heal_ people.”


	2. Straight is the Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last hour had been the best he’d had in a long time. Sam's whole life had been a complete mess. First there had been problems with Dad, then Stanford, and after that there was Dad again. But now, with Jess, he finally had some fun. He could talk about things he liked, and things she liked. He sighed. This couldn’t be forever, could it? Was Jess even interested in him? This is just too good to be true.

After Anna had left, Sam went out grabbing some late dinner for himself and Dean. The hospital food wasn’t that great, and Dean had complained about the ‘damn rabbit food’ multiple times, but it was better than nothing. He had to walk carefully, because the corridor was quite dark. The lights weren’t on, probably because most patients were already sleeping, or just needed some rest.

On his way to the hospital canteen, he saw Samandriel’s mother standing there, together with her two other sons.  Anna was nowhere to be seen. The youngest boy was yelling at his brother, and their mother didn’t seem to care. The noise was way too loud for in a hospital, especially at this time. “Excuse me? Could you please lower your voice a little, or go outside or something? Because it’s already late, and-“ He got cut off by the older one.

“And could _you_ please mind your own business? Because I don’t think we’re interested in the opinion of the wino family.” They both started laughing, and even their mother seemed to enjoy it, because she glanced over to them and smirked.

“Okay, Okay I get it, you’re all still angry. But please go have your stupid discussion somewhere else. You’re waking the whole damn hospital with your stupid shouting.” Sam spat back, almost yelling himself. He was going to bring the security if they wouldn’t shut up. The boys just laughed harder at him. He clenched his jaw and inhaled quickly, wanting to add something else, but the warm hand of a female grabbing at his shoulder stopped him.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, Sir, but could you please-“ She said with a friendly soft voice, but Sam turned around almost aggressively, and cut her off. “Yeah, I KNOW, I’m supposed to be quiet, and not disturb the patients and..  But he... but they didn’t… They-“ He stammered until he fell completely silent when he saw the person he was talking to.

He was looking at a girl. Not just an ordinary girl, but a really damn attractive one. Her golden blonde hair was loosely braided in a messy fishtail braid, hanging over her left shoulder. Her eyes were blueish green, sparkling, even in the dark surrounding. The red of her lips was in contrast to the white color of her long, almost too large doctor coat.

“Yeah… Right… I understand, I’ll just-“ He mumbled, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “Why don’t you come with me and grab something to eat? You must be really hungry.” She winked at him. She fucking _winked_ at him. Sam could feel the heat reddening the tip of his ears and his neck, but he nodded. “Yeah. I think we- Sure. Why not.” “Off we go then.” She said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards the canteen door.

And there he was. Sitting at a table in a hospital canteen, facing a beautiful girl he only knew for like five minutes. He didn’t even know her name yet. And she kept staring at him. At _him_ , Sam Winchester. How was this even possible?

“You’re supposed to eat something, dumbass. At least, that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?” She chuckled. “I was about to, just so you know.” The girl snorted, her smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. “Yeah right.” Sam sighed, trying to look serious, but failed as a shy smile found its way to his face. Now there was an awkward silence. Great. He shook his head and swallowed. “But, ehm… What is your name? I mean, it’s-“

“Jessica. My name’s Jessica Moore.” She grinned, and then pointed at his plate. “And I thought you were going to eat.” “I was. I’m Sam by the way. Sam Winchester.” As he picked up his fork and stabbed at his salad.

 

***

 

“Nope.” Sam took a sip of his coffee as Jess chortled. “Just think about it, Sam. You can almost feel the love between them, it’s not that hard to notice. I’m sure you can.”

They had been talking for quite a while now. It was almost nine o’clock now, and it was already dark outside. The canteen was completely empty, if not for them. They had both finished their salad, and currently they were talking about some random things.

“Definitely not. Just- No way. There’s no way Hermione should be with Harry. It’s just.. No!” Jess laughed even harder now, almost spilling her tea on her white coat. Her laugh turned into a soft smile. “Except for not shipping Harry and Hermione, you’re a very special person, Sam.” _Don’t blush, don’t blush_. He heard himself thinking, but Sam could already feel his cheeks turning red again. “Yeah, uhm... Thanks, I guess. You too, Jessica.”

The last hour had been the best he’d had in a long time. His whole life had been a complete mess. First there had been problems with Dad, then Stanford, and after that there was Dad again. But now, with Jess, he finally had some fun. He could talk about things he liked, and things she liked. He sighed. This couldn’t be forever, could it? Was Jess even interested in him? This is just too good to be true.

He caught himself staring again. Jess was staring at him too. He looked into her eyes. Her _wonderful_ eyes. He held his breath when he focused on them even more. Yes, her eyes were without a doubt the most beautiful he had ever seen. _Jess_ was the most beautiful he had ever seen.

“Sam. What the fuck do you think you are doing?” The voice of his brother slammed into his head, pulling him out of his train of thought. “I was waiting for you, bitch. I thought you were gonna grab me some food too.” Then he noticed the girl Sam was with. “Oh, now I see how it is. You’re choosing some random chick over your poor brother, and you chose let him starve just so you could go on a little date. Thanks a lot.” He turned his attention to Jessica now. “Hey. My name’s Dean, I’m your new boyfriend’s brother.” Jess huffed, putting her empty mug on the table. “Yeah, I noticed. I’m Jessica. And I saved your little brother’s ass from Michael. You should thank me.” “Not gonna thank anybody before I’ve got something in my stomach, sweetheart. See you around, Jessica.” Dean winked at her, and then walked past her chair to give Sam an approving thumbs up behind her back. Sam gave his brother a bitchface in return, and then he turned around and walked away, laughing.

“I’m sorry… He’s just , I don’t know, weird.” He murmured, while looking at her with the best puppy eyes he could come up with. “Oh, I don’t mind it. I like him.” She smiled softly, and they continued their conversation.

They talked about everything Sam liked, and apparently she liked them as well. It was incredible.

After that, Jess told him about her study, and how she had ended up here. She talked about how much she liked her job, how she loved helping others and making them smile. Her eyes twinkled as she told Sam about her career, and Sam couldn’t help but listen. He enjoyed watching Jess’ smile way too much.

He enjoyed the way her smile created a faint curve to her lips and it dimpled her cheeks, and the way it made his stomach flip. He’d only seen it for the last hour or so, but it seemed he was already obsessed with it. He could watch her warm and sweet smile forever.

But her smile disappeared immediately from her face when another woman hissed her name with an annoyed voice, and walked to their table. “Uh, hi Meg. What’s up? I was just gonna check on the patients.” She gave the other woman a smile. She didn’t return it, but instead frowned at her while crossing her arms.

Jess sighed and looked at him with an apologetic look. “I’m sorry Sam, I have to go now. I guess I’ll see around?” “I think so, I’d like that. See you tomorrow, I guess.” “Bye Sam, it was nice meeting you!” He gave her a soft smile as she stood up and walked away with the other woman.

Sam sighed. He felt better than ever. Jess was an amazing person. She was… She was _stunning_. He’d had some other girlfriends before, but never for that long. And they weren’t that special to him. They were all ordinary. Jess wasn’t ordinary. She was _different_. She was nice, funny, beautiful and- He swallowed. He sounded like a complete dork with his cheesy fuss. Dean would’ve totally-

 _Dean_.

Where the hell did he go? Was he already with Dad? He stood up and walked to their father’s room. It was completely dark in there. He could hear Dean snoring softly and he smiled. Dean must’ve been really tired. Now he thinks about it, he could use some sleep too.

He carefully grabbed a chair and placed it on the other side of the bed, trying not to wake Dean. He removed his jacket and sat down. A yawn escaped his mouth and he closed his eyes. He was constantly thinking about the one thing that made him the happiest today: meeting Jessica. With that thought, he let himself slowly drift off in a peaceful sleep.

 

***

 

That man had stared at him way too long. It had been so uncomfortable. Was he ever going to see those green eyes again?

Castiel had been trying to fall asleep for a while now, but it just didn’t seem to happen. He was sitting in Samandriel’s room, and he kept thinking about the man he met today.

What was he doing there? Why did he want to see Samandriel? He wasn’t… He wasn’t the guy who had caused everything, was he? No, it couldn’t be. He remembered Lucifer had told him the drunk guy was still in coma. It must’ve been his son or something. At least a family member of him.

He knew his own family hated that man, but he didn’t. It had been an accident, so why would he blame him? He even wanted to _help_ him, after he’d healed his own father, even though his mother would never approve that. Castiel always wanted to help as many people as he can.

He just couldn’t stop thinking about the man in the corridor. The way he had looked at him with this-

 _Stop it, Castiel_. He said to himself. _He isn’t that important._

He stood up and decided to go to the room next to his. It was a great risk, and Castiel was certain John wasn’t alone. Maybe _he_ was there too. With his green eyes wide open, still awake.

Castiel glimpsed hesitantly at the digital clock on the nightstand. _Almost two AM. It would be very unlikely that, even if there are other people inside John’s room, they are awake right now. I just have to be very quiet. And it won’t take that long, so it’s worth the try._ Castiel told himself.

He stalked to the door, and opened it carefully. It was very quiet, and he absolutely didn’t want to be seen. Due to his earlier experiences, he knew people would call him weird, they would call him a _freak_. Just because he was different. Just because he was _special_. He shook his head and slowly sneaked into the room. It was dark, but he could still see the figure of a man lying in the bed. He only had to focus on that.

Standing at the right side of the bed, he took a few deep breaths, and after the last one he prudently touched the old man’s forehead with his fingers, just like he always did. As soon as he could feel the man shifting under his touch, he slowly lifted his hand and smiled. He had done the right thing.

When he wanted to walk back to Samandriel’s room and go back to sleep, another presence in the room caught his attention. On the other side of the bed, there was another man. He was asleep, and Castiel didn’t recognize him. He was very tall, and his long, brown hair was a little bit too much. He should definitely pay a visit to the hairdresser. Castiel huffed softly, but then he heard a sound from behind. He turned around and his breath caught in his throat.

Castiel could barely see him, but he just knew it was _him_. He heard the other man breathing slowly and heavy, but it was quite calming. He blankly stood there for a few minutes, scarcely watching the other man sleep. It was almost hypnotizing.

All of a sudden the man groaned, and a frown appeared on his face. After another minute or two, he moaned again, and Castiel started to worry.

 _He must be having a nightmare._ Castiel thought. _If only I could-,_ and before he knew it, he was languidly moving towards the dozing man. When he was so close that he could definitely smell a blend of whiskey and leather, he stopped. He was standing really close. _Awfully_ close.

He stretched out his hand, gradually bringing it closer to the man’s face. When he gingerly touched his temple, the man mumbled something, but after that he stopped frowning and relaxed. He suddenly moved his head towards Castiel’s hand, who was cupping his face now. On reflex, Castiel instantly pulled his hand back. He slowly did a step back, not wanting to wake the man sitting on the other side of the bed.  He hesitated for a moment before he walked out of the room, without looking back at the two men he just helped, and closed the door.

 

***

 

Dean woke up with the sun shining in his face. He yawned as he stretched his muscles. When he opened his eyes again, he saw a few doctors standing around the bed of his father. Sam was there too. “Dean? Are you finally awake?!” He asked, as he noticed he was awake. “Yeah. No thanks to you, bitch. What the fuck is happening?” Sam gave him a small smile. “Dad’s okay. He’s like, really, _really_ okay. He’s probably going to be awake soon.” He explained.

“He’s what?! How?!” Dean said a little bit too hard, causing the doctors to snap an angry look at him. “Nobody knows, it’s just like- Just like what happened to Samandriel…” Dean widened his eyes. “Dude.. Do you think it was Castiel who helped him?” Dean asked. “Could be. But why would he do that? I mean, Samandriel is his brother, but _Dad_? I don’t know, Dean. Maybe you should ask him.”

“Me? Why do _I_ have to ask him? You can ask him yourself.” He spat back. “Because he already knows you, so I think he would trust you better.” Sam replied, while Dean rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on Sam! The damn guy doesn’t even know my _name_ yet. So you can go find him yourself, I’ll stay here with Dad.” Sam sighed. “Okay fine. I will, jerk. But you call me when something happens, okay?” “Yeah, whatever you want, bitch.”

After the doctors had left, without saying a word, Dean stood up and walked to his father. His eyes were still closed, but he could see some tiny muscles in his face twitching. His father moved again. He seemed _alive_ again.

Then he remembered something. When he was asleep, he had dreamed. He didn’t have nightmares like he used to, but he had actually dreamed something _good_. It all started with a cold tinkling sensation  on his forehead. It was almost like someone had touched him. After that, nice memories had started filling his head. He had been in a nice, almost peaceful state. And it had been pretty damn weird.

“Dean? What’s happening? I saw some doctors walking out of here.” A female voice asked. “Oh… Erm, nothin’ much really. My dad’s probably gonna be awake soon, so… That’s why all the doctors were here, I guess.” Anna almost threw herself into his arms, giving him a tight hug. “Dean! That’s amazing news! I’m so happy for you and Sam!”

Dean slowly wrapped his arms around her, holding her as well. He closed his eyes and pressed his nose into her red hair, smelling a mixture of shampoo and a damn nice perfume.

As soon as she let go of him, she grabbed Dean’s wrist and walked over to the bed, pulling him with her. When they were standing next to each other, Dean smoothly grabbed her hand, but his eyes were fixed on his dad. In the corner of his eye he could see Anna smiling at him, and she squished his hand.

They stood like that for a while, until Sam walked in. “So… Did something already happen in here, or what?“ Sam froze as he stared to their hands tied together. Dean instantly let go of Anna’s hand.

“Uhm… No, not really. He- The doctors left quite a while ago, I don’t-“ He stumbled, while he felt himself turning red. “Nothing has happened, Sam. I must say he is looking much better than yesterday, so I’m sure he is going to be fine.” Anna said, saving him from making an even bigger  fool of himself. “Yeah, he will, sooner or later. Thanks Anna.” Sam said slowly, giving his brother a suspicious look.

“So… Did you find him?” Dean asked his brother, sitting down on the nearest chair. “Nope. Couldn’t find him. I looked in every damn room, but no sign of Castiel.” He groaned.

“Wait a second… “ Dean said, “Anna, do you know where he is?” She looked at him questioningly. “Why do you need him?” He smiled at the protective gesture. “We think he’s got something to do with dad’s sudden recovery. It is a possibility, right?” Sam asked.

Anna sighed.  “I don’t think- I mean, would he do that? Because he obviously wouldn’t have had my mother’s permission to do that, and he… He couldn’t have done it.”

Of course he could have done it. How else would his dad feel better all of a sudden? “Or he could’ve been a badass little rebel, and went healing dad without asking. That’s not the point, Anna. Would he do it? Would he heal the guy who brought him in all this crap?” She knitted her brows and looked at him. “Hmm… Yeah, I think he would, actually. He’s a really nice person, and he always tries to help everyone. Even the ones that made some… mistakes.”

Sam gave Dean a look, and then turned to face Anna. “So… Where is he?” He asked. Anna shrugged. “Probably in church. He’ll be back in a hour or so. I could introduce him to you after lunch, so you get to know each other? Then you can ask him.”

“Yeah. Sounds nice.” Dean said, giving her a small smile, but avoiding to make any kind of eye contact to prevent himself from awkwardly staring at her again. “You wanna grab some lunch with me, though? I’m kinda hungry right now.”

She raised one eyebrow in surprise, while widening her hypnotizing eyes. She gave him a bright smile when she answered him. “Sure! Let me grab my money real quick.” She said as she tried to walk away, but Dean stopped her by grasping her shoulder. “Don’t have to, sweetheart. I have enough for us both.” He said with a smirk, and he winked at her. She giggled and both of them left the room, leaving a confused Sam alone in the hospital room.

“So…” He said while looking at his father. “I guess I’ll have to grab a sandwich and keep your ass company then.”

He searched his jacket for some money, but he couldn’t find any. He cursed under his breath. _Damn pockets. What kind of idiot would even come up with a jacket with so many pockets?_

“Sam? Is that you? What are you doing?” Sam almost fell over by hearing the familiar voice. Jess was standing in the doorway, wearing a long green coat and a matching barrette. Her hair was loose now, so her wavy ash-blonde hair fell just over her shoulders.

“I was just… Ehm… I was about to get some lunch, actually.” “Mind if I come with you? I know a great sandwich shop, and it isn’t that far.”

Sam felt the heat growing in his body. “Yeah… Sure, but… I can’t seem to find my money, so- I guess we have a problem.“ “Ohh, that isn't a problem at all. Don’t worry about that, I have plenty. Come on, let’s go!” And how could he say no to that bright smile of hers?

He grabbed his coat and followed her out of the hospital room, leaving his dad completely alone.


	3. Leading to your Salvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam’s eyes widened and it took nearly three seconds to realise Jessica was kissing him. _Kissing_ him. And it took even longer for him to realise that he was kissing her back, and he had put his hands on her hips to pull her in even closer.  
>  Sam had already imagined how her lips would feel, but he hadn’t imagined how warm and soft they would feel pressed up against his own.  
> All he could focus on is Jess. On the soft noise she just made, the intoxicating feeling of her fingers gently combing through his hair, and the way she tasted like the cotton candy lip gloss she couldn’t stop talking about.

It was still dark outside when Castiel woke up. He his eyes flitted to the clock. It was almost half past six. He had still some time before he had to go to church. He wanted to be there as soon as possible, because he had made an appointment with a local priest.

He knew he had some problems with his family. He had some really big problems. Actually, his once so close family was now on the verge of falling apart completely. And it had all been about Castiel. About him and his _gift_.

Part of his family wanted nothing to do with his ‘powers’. They just accepted him how he was, despite of his abnormality. He could be himself, he could have fun, and he had all the freedom he wanted. Gabriel, Balthazar, Anna and Michael were on this side.

He never knew his father because he had died before Castiel was born, but Anna had always told him that he would agree with them too.

But then there were his mother, Samandriel and Lucifer. They were thankful for his gift. They thought he was special. They wanted to _protect_ him. And that at all costs. Even if this restrained his freedom.

Except for the fuss between them, everyone in the family loved him. Castiel was sure about that. So why did it feel like he had to choose a side? He didn’t want that. He just wanted his normal life back, before he was blessed with the gift.

It all happened in one day. That day may have been almost 15 years ago, but he remembered everything vividly.

~~~

Castiel had been reading about his religion for a while, and after a few books he still wasn’t sure if everything was real. Naomi had told him that God existed, but he just didn’t _know_. Castiel was wondering how he would ever be sure about it.

He just _needed_ to know. He had been praying for a sign. Just one little sign, and he would believe.

But nothing happened.

That night, Castiel had a weird dream. And it had seemed very real.

He had been awake and he was in a small room with rock walls, and in front of him was a big wooden table. On the other side of the table was standing a big strange man, wearing a long white robe. The man had been staring at him, even though Castiel couldn’t see a face.

Castiel had been too scared to move, so he just stood there, continuously staring at the faceless man.

After some time, something even weirder happened. The figure stretched his hand out to him, and he showed Castiel the wrinkly and liny inside of his hand. When Castiel focused his attention on it, he could see a small, bright light starting to grow in the palm of the man’s hand. It gradually started to cover his whole hand, his arm and his shoulder.

And Castiel kept watching the man as the strong light continued to mantle his whole body.

When it reached the last bit of the man’s robe, and he was completely covered in the white light, the light started to drool on the floor as well.

But the floor was being coated in the light way faster than the man had been.

It rapidly started to close him in. Panic started to swell in Castiel’s chest. He didn’t know what would happen if the light touched him. _Would it be bad? Would he wake up? Would he die?_

He closed his eyes as soon as the white light touched his feet. He could feel it deliberately starting to climb up to his lower legs. It was a cold and tinkling feeling, but it didn’t feel bad. The chilly vibration moved up to his knees, his thighs, his hips and slowly up to his upper body.

When he felt it reaching his neck and face, he held his breath and clenched his fists. The last thing he could feel was the light filling his whole body, and then he heard the sound of his numb body falling on the floor as he collapsed.

He had woken up with a horrible headache.

After he had told his stepmother about his weird dream, she had directly taken him to a priest called Metatron.

First she spoke to him privately. He told her Castiel was blessed with some sort of gift, but he didn’t exactly know what yet. Metatron had asked her to watch him closely, and tell him everything as soon as she noticed something had happened to her son.

When Naomi introduced him to the priest, he had told him to keep it a secret, and only use his capability when he or his mother asked him to. Castiel had nodded and Naomi told him that she was proud of him. After that she had bought him some ice cream, and he had been really happy at that time.

But a few weeks later a friend of Lucifer had fallen out of a tree when they were playing outside. He wouldn’t stop screaming and the arm he had fallen onto was in a weird angle.

Lucifer and his friends couldn’t stop laughing at the boy, because ‘Kevin is a gawky little girl and he can’t even climb a tree’.

But Castiel didn’t laugh at him. Without thinking about it Castiel had reached for the boy’s hurting right arm. He had gently touched it with his hand, and Kevin had let out a small whimper, and then everyone fell completely silent.

Castiel had pulled away when Kevin wriggled his right shoulder. When he moved the arm without any difficulty, he had looked at him with big eyes. The other kids were staring at him and he could hear some of them whispering to each other.

“Thanks… Thank you, Castiel…” Kevin had said softly, before standing up and disappearing in the crowd that walked towards him.

“Castiel? What the frick did you do?” Lucifer had hissed at him, looking up at his big brother with surprised eyes.

“I- I don’t…” Castiel stumbled, while recoiling from the circle of children that tried to close him in.

He _knew_ what everyone was thinking. _Everyone_ knew what everyone was thinking.

One of the bigger kids, probably a twelve year old girl, had been the first to actually say it out loud. “You’re a psycho!” She yelled, as the circle of children had closed around him.

Castiel had flinched at the insult, and fell backwards, so he was now laying in the grass on his back. Everyone had surrounded him and he had been dizzy and sick.

He had been so _scared_.

“Kev- Kevin?” He had squealed, looking around and searching for the face of the boy he had just helped. “Luci?” He managed to bring out as a barely audible whisper.

 “What a wacko.” Another voice snapped.

Castiel had hid his face in his hands as the tears burned on his cheeks.

He remembered every single thing they had snarled at him. He was a _weirdo. A crank. A loser. A monster. A psycho._ But the words that still hurt him the most were the words of his own brother.

Lucifer had been standing among the others, and he had said his brother was a _freak_. That he was _crazy_.

It went on for what felt like ages. It just seemed  to never stop.

He still remembered the final kick that he got from the boy who walked away from him after everyone else had left.  He still remembered laying there, clothes dirty, and dried tears on his face. He _still_ remembered every part in his body hurting when he tried to get up. He _still_ remembered walking home alone, regretting everything he had done.

That moment Castiel told himself that he would never use his powers again.

When he finally got home, Naomi had been furious at him. Apparently, Lucifer had already told his mother everything that had happened.

She had yelled at him, called him a _mistake_ and an _abortion._ She had beat him, and she had hit a sore spot that was already covered by a blue, purplish color. It had hurt _so bad_.

Anna and Gabriel had stormed downstairs, probably because of the pathetic sound he had made. Naomi had sent him to his room, and he had immediately ran away.

He was hurt in every single way possible.

The rest of that evening he remained in his bedroom, reading his favorite book for a second, third or even fourth time. He didn’t remember and he didn’t care. He just wanted to forget everything that happened that day.

He had heard Gabriel and his mother yelling at each other. He heard his name drop a few times, a door slamming and then silence.

He has never been as scared as he was that night.

The next morning he heard Anna crying in the bedroom that was next to his. After he had sneaked in and he had hugged his sister, she told him that Gabriel had left. And that he would never come back. He didn’t understand it at that time, and he had never questioned his disappearance . He had been only ten years old.

But four years later, when he was about fourteen years old, Anna had told him what happened. And he had been mad at her. So that Saturday, when his stepmother was at work, he told his other siblings about his powers. And they didn’t say he was weird, or a psycho.

They said he was _cool_ , and he was _special_.

And Castiel had been so _relieved_.

When Naomi came home that day, he had yelled at her, and Balthazar had teamed up with him. He had been on his side, even though it was his own mother he was yelling at. Naomi hadn’t say anything yet.

Her eyes had been narrowed, hard and _cold_. They were fixed on him and they seemed to pierce his skin and tear apart his soul. Castiel winced as she rose her hand above her head while making a fist, and she clenched her jaw.

She wanted to hurt him again, here and now. In the living room. While Balthazar was watching. She wanted to hurt him again.

She wanted to _hurt_ him again.

When she was about to punch him in his face, Anna had grabbed her arm and hissed at them to go their rooms.

He had never seen Naomi this angry before.

She had kept him home from school ever since. He had never heard anything from his friends after that. He had been so lonely. He was so lucky he had a lot of siblings where he could learn from.

Balthazar had taught him to have fun. He told him not to look at the past or the future, but to live the moment. To enjoy living. Michael told him to do what you needed to do, and to do what he thought that was the right thing, while Lucifer said he should do what he wanted to, and not to care about other people and their opinions.

Anna had been a better mother than his stepmother. She looked after him, cared for him and loved him.

He was sure Naomi loved him too, but he felt safer with Anna. He wasn’t scared of her.

Anna had taught him to be more independent, and to make his own choices. She told him to say _no_ when he didn’t want something, and not to follow every rule Naomi came up with.

And Samandriel had always been on his side. He had admired Castiel from the start, even after everything that happened. He always said Castiel’s heart was always in the right place.

~~~

Except that there were some differences between them, he still loved everyone. He wanted to help his family, but he didn’t know how.

 _That’s_ why he wanted to talk to Father Metatron again. He needed to know how to fix them. He wanted some answers.

So why not ask the only person who had given him good advice in his life?

Castiel looked at his stepbrother when he put on his old trenchcoat. He was still sleeping, and Castiel hoped to be back when he woke up.

When Samandriel had opened his eyes, the first thing he had said to him was a thank you. Castiel had smiled at him and told him to have some rest. Samandriel had argued with him, but after yawning a few times he had still closed his eyes. After he had been sure Samandriel was sleeping, Castiel had sat down and went to sleep himself.

Now Castiel just stood there for a few minutes, watching his little brother sleep. Now he could see him move again, _live_ again, he remembered how much he had missed Samandriel at home. Although he hadn’t been home for only a month, it seemed to be way longer.

Castiel smiled. _He will be home soon._ He said to himself. He turned around and walked away, leaving Samandriel’s room.

The church wasn’t far from there, but the dark and heavy clouds told him that it would be raining soon, so he decided to head straight to church, and walk a little faster than he normally would.

 

***

 

The lunch with Anna had been… _emotional_.

Except for the comfort he had to give his date after he had caused her to cry, Dean had really enjoyed the time he spent with her.

Anna told him about her family. About how much she loved her siblings, and how she took care of all of them. She told him about how her mother, Naomi, had been together with her biological father for quite a long time, but fell in love with another man when Anna was eight years old.

Her mother had fallen in love with Castiel’s father.

All of them had been furious at their mother when the mysterious new father and his four year old son moved in with them. They didn’t want to like Castiel. He was an intruder. So they had ignored Castiel for the first few days.

But then something awful happened. Castiel’s father got sick. He had gotten really, _really_ sick.

None of them had ever seen Castiel being that sad.

Lucifer had been the first to talk to him, and before they even knew it, Castiel was playing with them almost every day. They had accepted him as a brother now. Castiel was a special person.

But they didn’t know that he was _that_ special until he had turned fourteen.

Dean had asked her how they found out about Castiel’s gift, and Anna had almost choked on her coffee.

After coughing a few times and telling a concerned Dean that she was okay again, she started the story by telling him about how upset she had been one night.

It had happened ten years ago, when she was twelve years old. Castiel and Lucifer hadn’t been home for dinner.

Lucifer had come home before Castiel did, and he had told her mother what happened. Her mother told her brothers and herself to go upstairs. None of them had questioned it.

She knew Castiel had done something to one of Lucifer’s friends, and that Lucifer had been there with him. Not long after that, she heard someone entering the house. After that she had heard some horrible words of her mother, she heard a squeak that sounded like Castiel. Castiel being in _pain_.

She immediately ran downstairs to help him, and she saw that her brother Gabriel had the same plan.

Her mother had yelled at Castiel, and she had _hit_ him. Anna didn’t know why, nor she knew what had happened exactly, but Castiel’s puffy eyes told her that he had been crying, and his face was covered in bruises.

After her mother turned wildly and saw Gabriel and herself, she snarled at Castiel to go to his room. Castiel had obeyed right away and went upstairs, still sobbing from what happened.

Gabriel was even more angry than she was. He had called Naomi _an awful mother_   for beating Castiel and insulting him like that. She was an _inhuman monster,_ and in return, Naomi had called him an _ungrateful child._

That caused Gabriel to snort sarcastically, but in his eyes she could see how hurt he really was.

Gabriel went upstairs without saying anything else, apparently to get his stuff, because he had come back with a large back. He had gotten his jacket and threw Anna a quick glimpse, before he opened the front door and left. He had just left.

Gabriel had always been the happy, cheerful one of their family. He was always joking around, and always cheered up everyone who had needed it.

And his honey-colored eyes were always been bright and full of excitement.

But then they hadn’t been. The last time Anna saw Gabriel, his eyes had been filled with disappointment, sorrow and sadness.

Even the most joyful of their family had been sad.

_Even the brightest light had slowly turned into darkness._

When Anna had looked up to meet his gaze, Dean saw her eyes glisten as she fought to remain strong. But even though she had tried hard, she couldn’t stop it from happening.

A single tear slid down from her pale brown eyes, followed by another one, releasing the sadness and sorrow that had been held inside of her for all this time.

As soon as Dean noticed in how much pain she was, he immediately had wrapped his arms around her. She had grasped at his shirt, and sniffled in his shoulder.

He tried to comfort her with words.

“It’s okay, Anna. Sshhh.” He had whispered.

“You did everything you could. You’re here. I’m here. It’s okay. It’s gonna be fine. I promise. Sshhh.”

Since Dean wasn’t really good at this (those damn chick-flick moments), he came up with something else. Something that made his stomach flip, and sent heat through his whole body at the mere thought of it.

He had token one last deep breath, and swallowed, before he slowly let go of her.

With one hand under her chin, he had angled her face a little upwards, and planted a lingering kiss on her soft, warm lips.

Dean’s heart skipped a beat when she pulled away a little, so that their kiss was nothing more than a feathery touch, and she hesitated before she leaned in again, closing her eyes.

After she had pulled away completely, she smiled at him, and Dean couldn’t spot a sign of fresh tears in her puffy eyes. She sighed as she pulled him in for a new hug.

They stood there for a little while, just holding each other while Dean tried not to think about his own miserable life, and tried to focus on comforting Anna.

After she had been calmed down again, they had been talking about some other things. Some _distracting_ things.

Anna had told Dean about the things that made her happy, and he had listened.

She had talked about how she loved caring for animals, and how she loved helping them if they needed it. Her eyes had been lighting up when she talked about it.

Anna had seemed to have forgotten about everything else _._ And Dean hadn’t dared to ask about her past again. At least for any time soon.

 

***

 

“Next time I’m gonna buy _you_ lunch, just so you know.” Sam noted, uncomfortably opening the door for Jess.

“So you’re asking me on another date?” Jess teased, grinning at his awkwardness.

Sam almost audibly gulped. He almost tripped when they started walking back to the hospital. He was so _clumsy_.

“Well… Yeah… I mean- If you want it to be?” He murmured shyly.

Then he felt a familiar grasp at his shoulder. It almost felt like a déjà vu. He turned around to see Jess, standing directly in front of him.

“Sam. It’s okay. Isn’t it obvious enough for you? I _like_ you, Sam. I _really_ like you.”

Okay, so _now_ his gulp was audible.

 “Oh. Well…” Sam cleared his throat, feeling uneasy to say it out loud.“I- uhm... I really like you, too.” He admitted.

Jess gave him a broad grin. “As if I didn’t know that already, dumbass.”

She slowly came in closer, and closer, and _closer_ , until Sam could feel the heat of her body against his own.

“So… uh… Should I kiss you now or something?” He asked, almost laughing at his own foolish question.

She giggled, and gently brought her hands at around his neck, pulling him down slightly, and placed a kiss at his lips.

Sam’s eyes widened and it took nearly three seconds to realise Jessica was kissing him. _Kissing_ him. And it took even longer for him to realise that he was kissing her back, and he had put his hands on her hips to pull her in even closer.

Sam had already imagined how her lips would feel, but he hadn’t imagined how warm and soft they would feel pressed up against his own.

All he could focus on is Jess. On the soft noise she just made, the intoxicating feeling of her fingers gently combing through his hair, and the way she tasted like the cotton candy lip gloss she couldn’t stop talking about.

Jess was the one who broke the kiss, and directly after that she buried her face in his neck.

Sam smiled softly as he hugged her tight, and he kissed the top of her head.

“I love you, Jessica.” He whispered.

“I love you too, Sam.”


	4. Learn to Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every word his father said only fuelled the fire that burned inside of him. Every violated word was like gasoline to it. His fists began to clench and his jaw rooted. Burning rage hissed through his body like a deathly poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of unwanted violence. 
> 
> No. He’s _not_ his father. He’s not going to use his fists to win a fight. He’s gonna help Jess and take her outta here. He peeked at her, already scared of her reaction.  
>  Jess had casted her gaze onto the ground and her eyes were darkened. She glanced up at Sam with watery eyes.  
> “Sam… I-“ Her voice sounded cracked, pained, and worst of all _hurt_. 
> 
> His cold fury burnt with dangerous intensity.
> 
> No one hurts _his_ Jessica.

“Castiel! It’s so good to see you again!” It sounded through the big space of the church when Castiel walked through the big, old wooden doors.

“Hello Father. I feel honored that you made time for me.”

The man walked over to Castiel and roughly grabbed his shoulder, gently squeezing.

“So how’s life? How do you feel?”

He asked nicely. _Too_ nicely. And before Castiel could answer, he continued.

“And how come you still don’t know what kind of gift the Lord has blessed you with? Because I thought I asked you to tell me if you knew more about it. It’s a real shame you still haven’t discovered it, you know.”

He said suspiciously while a crooked smirk appeared on his face, still not letting go of Castiel’s shoulder.

He kept staring at him. It was a piercing gaze, and it felt like he was penetrating his soul.

Castiel’s eyes flickered for a second, but the cold, shrill stare persisted. It gave him chills and an obnoxious feeling in his stomach, and Castiel couldn’t bear it anymore. He flicked his eyes to the light of the small stubs of candles on the altar behind  the man, looking away from his gaze.

_You just gave everything away. Metatron knows. This is not good._

Castiel swallowed.

"Yeah ... To be honest, I am already aware of it. It’s- I can heal people and reduce their pain. But that's not why I-"

"You’re a good person, Castiel. I forgive you for not telling me earlier.” Castiel could see his excitement when Metatron’s eyes grew wide and his grin wider, now showing his teeth.

“You’re an example for the world. The Lord has put you on this planet to help us, to help humanity. I'm proud of you, Castiel. And I'm sure the Lord-"

"Father... I do not wish to interrupt, but I came here because I need your… _advice_.” He muttered, careful not to annoy the man.

How was he going to explain this? If he told him everything that had happened, he had the chance Metatron would react the same as Naomi.  

"I have some problems in my family. Ever since I found out what my powers. My brother Gabriel hasn’t been home since then and my sister Anna is about to leave us and my brother Samandriel-“

"I thought you were the only child of your father, Castiel? Or did you forget to tell me something else too?" He interrupted him with a snarly voice.

"No. I mean… Yes, I am the only child of my father, but I was talking about my stepfamily. I see them as my own family since…" Castiel swallowed. Should he really be telling him all this?

The death of his father was still hard for him.

Well, he couldn’t escape the truth now, because Metatron was staring at him with questioning eyes. He didn’t want to look back.

"Since my father has passed away. And even Lucifer dislikes me, and ... I have not been to school since I've helped someone I should not have helped, and…  I- I need my siblings, and I merely want to restore my family. What-  How can I restore my family? "

In the corner of his eyes he could see Metatron looking at him in surprise, and then he started to laugh. Castiel didn’t like it.

The priest turned his back to him and walked down the aisle. Castiel followed him, and now he had time to really look around.

As long as he could remember, this church had always been a nice and decorated place to be. It was always crowded and cozy, and you could always hear soft organ music playing in the background. Even the smell of the freshly picked flowers and the sweet incense was still in his memory.

But this was different. This was the opposite of what he had expected. Instead of the pleasant warmth that this building had given him a few years back, it now gave him an unpleasant and chilly feeling.

There was an eerie silence in the empty church. The wind was blowing gently through the heavy oak doors, echoing around. The sun shone through the heavily cracked stained-glass windows, casting a soft glow onto the dusty altar. Thick cobwebs hung on every surface of the church, and Father Metatron's footsteps sounded deafening on the cold stone floor.

And then the priest himself. Castiel was used to Father Metatron in his ceremonial vestments at Sunday mass. Now he was wearing an old, brown robe with holes in it.

As his once sunny childhood memories of the church now felt as they were tarred, disfigured into something fickle.

He tried to focus his gaze on Metatron himself, and not the poor surroundings, and to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"Castiel, listen closely. I think what happened is your own fault. Don’t get me wrong, but if you just had come to me as soon as you knew about your abilities, _like I_ _told you to,_ none of this would have happened.” Metatron hissed, while clenching his jaw.

“I… I know, Father, my apologies. I should’ve- I should have told you. I’m sorry… I-“

Castiel’s voice cracked as his eyes started to water. _Don’t cry, Castiel._ He said to himself. _Don’t cry, Castiel. Don’t-_

“Don’t cry, Castiel. We all make mistakes, and you’ve made a huge one. But that’s okay. I forgive you. Just because I know you wouldn’t make the same mistake. You wouldn’t, right? Will you tell me everything from now on, Castiel?”

Castiel held his breath. He was _forgiven._ Father Metatron _forgave_ him. As long as he told him everything that happened from now on, everything was going to be fine.

He rubbed his eyes and swallowed. “Yes… I will tell you-“

“Tell me _everything_ what happens to you. If you listen to me, and you do as I say, I’m sure The Lord will forgive you as well, Castiel.” Metatron whispered, sending a cold shiver through his spine.

He had to tell _everything._

Doubt suddenly shot through him like a piercing arrow. Should he give him his word?

Worry grew like a malicious, corrupted and perfidy tree in his stomach. The tree grew bigger, creating a huge black shadow that covered up all of the happy thoughts and good feelings Castiel had when he woke up this morning. He had to give away his last piece of freedom that he had. Would it be worth it? _Would it_? The tree stopped growing, and its branches twisted painfully. It made Castiel feel sick.

But God would _forgive_ him. And _if God loves you, nothing can hurt you,_ he heard Naomi say. Sacrifice is the most wonderful thing someone can do. He should be _privileged_ to sacrifice something.

By the thought of the love of God, seeds of hope wormed into the ground under the tree in his stomach. And no matter how large and terrifying the darkness of the dark shadow was, the seeds were still there.

The hope endured like that, growing and growing , until the once dark and black shadow was now colored by multiple types of beautiful flowers.

_It will be worth it. It’s the right thing to do._

“Yes.” Castiel said slowly, “I give you my word.”

 

***

 

“Hey, Dad?! Can you hear me? Dad?”

The words of his brother that came from his father's room were almost unbelievable.

Sam looked at Jessica with wide eyes before running through the door.

“Dean? Is he awake? Dad?!” Sam asked, while storming to the bed of his father.

“Guess so. He just opened his eyes, so yeah.”

“Dean…? Sam..? You there?” His father murmured, while gazing through the room with glazy, vacant eyes.

The years of alcohol abuse had made his John’s voice sound like it had travelled via vocal chords made of sandpaper.

Once his voice had just been a  pleasing deep, gravelly voice, but now it made Sam wonder which breath would be his father’s last.

“Yeah of course we’re here, Dad. We’ve always been here.” Dean responded.

Sam grabbed his father’s hand and squeezed. “We’re here, Dad. You’re gonna be fine.”

John immediately pulled his hand away and gave him an annoyed look.

“How do you mean, “ _gonna be_ ”? I feel better than ever, boy. Come on and help your old man stand, will ya?” He snapped as he tried to slide his legs off the bed.

“Whoa, easy there. You better stay in that bed, Dad.” Dean replied as he pushed his father’s legs back. “You’ve been here for a while, and you sure as hell can’t go home yet. The doctors don’t even know you’re awake.”

“They are right, Mr. Winchester. You can’t go home yet, and I suggest you-“ Jess explained, but John cut her off with a loud voice.

“And who do you think you are?! No one tells me what to do, honey, not even a nurse with a cute little face. Now help me up before I break something.”

“Listen to me, _Sir_. You can’t just randomly wake up and yell at everyone like that. I think it’s _unacceptable_.”

“Oh yeah? You know what _I_ think? I think you’re just a worthless piece of thrash that desperately tries to scrape together some money by just talking to some sick pathetic retards.”

“Sir… I just want to-“ Jess pleaded, but John continued.

“I think it’s unacceptable that a goddamn _hospital_ accepts such arrogant whores like you. But yeah, here you are, aren’t you?!  Miserable disgusting bitch.”

Every word his father said only fuelled the fire that burned inside of him. Every violated word was like gasoline to it. His fists began to clench and his jaw rooted. Burning rage hissed through his body like a deathly poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of unwanted violence.

No. He’s _not_ his father. He’s not going to use his fists to win a fight. He’s gonna help Jess and take her outta here. He peeked at her, already scared of her reaction.

Jess had casted her gaze onto the ground and her eyes were darkened. She glanced up at Sam with watery eyes.

“Sam… I-“  Her voice sounded cracked, pained, and worst of all _hurt_.

His cold fury burnt with dangerous intensity.

No one hurts _his_ Jessica.

“What the fuck is _wrong_ with you, Dad?! You can’t just randomly insult someone like that!”

“Oh so now you’re protecting _her_? I’m your damn father! Are you two fucking or something? You sound like a _petty humble dog_ , son.”

“That’s it. I thought you’d be a better person after everything that happened, _Dad_. I don’t even wanna keep calling you that. You’re just a fucking measly alcoholic.”

He shouted back. He gave John a last angry look before he grabbed Jessica’s wrist and pulled her out of the room.

How is he even gonna explain this to her? She was almost fucking crying because of him. She won’t even like him anymore after she knows what kinda shitty father he has. Great. Once more his life is ruined by him.

“I’m sorry,” That was all he could come up with.

“I’m so, _so_ sorry, Jessica.”

 

***

 

Dean just sat there.

He was just listening to the way the three voices rose above the once so peaceful silence of the hospital.  Some angry looks, a few words and an almost- _punch_ from his brother had stirred in a hurricane of harsh and horsed insults.

It was like their Pandora’s box had opened again, sending each other hateful words that meant to shatter the other’s souls in a million pieces. Opening the box gave pain and suffering.

And everyone knew that once the box had been opened, it couldn’t been closed again.

Someone had to keep the box closed.

 _He_ should’ve _tried_ to keep the box closed.

Luckily his brother had walked out of the room, taking Jessica with him. The poor girl hadn’t been far from crying. And it had been understandable.

Dean had missed his father, sure. But what just happened was a thing he absolutely hadn’t missed at all. The eternally existing tension between his father and his brother was still there.

He had always failed to do something about it. He had been too _weak_ to do something. And even this time he had been _too weak_ to choose a side.

Sammy had been right. His father had been a complete douche.

He should’ve protected him. And he should’ve protected Jessica.

“Do you believe this shit, Dean? Just look what happened to your brother.”

 _You should’ve protected them._ The voice in his head hissed.

And now it was too late. At least, he couldn’t really do anything about it anymore. He could let his father know that he was wrong. That he stood beside Sammy and Jess. It sure as hell won’t do much, but at least he could try…

“Sammy did what he needed to. He protected himself, and the girl he cares about. So what exactly is wrong with that?”

 _Weak._ A voice in his head whispered. _That wasn’t what you were supposed to say._

_Tell him Sammy was right. Tell him Jess was right. Just have the balls to tell him. You’re a grown man, for fuck’s sake._

John sighed. “I tried to raise him to be a good man, you know? I tried to make him the successful one. To make up for what happened to you. To make up for the _mistakes_ I made with you. But he just ruined everything.”

_Tell him._

“You didn’t do shit. You were fucking gone all the time, Dad. _I_ raised Sammy, and I did a damn good job. And you’re right. He _is_ the successful one. But no thanks to you. I’m proud of him, and the fact that you’re not is your own fucking loss.”

“How DARE you speak to me like that?! You’re all the same. Fucking pathetic-“

“No, Dad. _You’re_ pathetic. And you know what, fuck you. I tried to help you with the damn alcohol, and I _know_ I failed, but you’re just too far gone to be saved. It’s hopeless. I don’t even care what you do anymore, you can drink yourself in a coma for all I care.”

Dean tried his best to hold back his tears as he turned his back to his father, just like Sam had done earlier. But how could this be so hard for him? His father was right. He just wasn’t as strong as Sammy.

_Just walk away. Don’t cry. You’re a man. You’re a soldier. Soldier’s don’t cry._

He slowly but surely started to walk out of the room. Every step he took hurt more. He was leaving his father. What kind of son does that?

“You’re just _pathetic_ , son. You can’t even follow orders. You’re too _weak_ to follow orders. You’re a worthless piece of _thrash.”_

 _Just a few steps more, a few steps and you’re outta here_. _Don’t look back. Don’t look back._

_Don’t. Look. Back._

Dean turned around to face his father one more time.

 _Weak piece of shit._ The voice snarled.

“You know what, son? I’m sorry for everyone you know that you were _born_. And it’s because your mother is _dead_ because of you, otherwise she would’ve said the same thing.”

Dean walked out of the door, without daring to look back another time.

He walked straight back to his apartment, without even thinking about anything else than the secret whiskey stash under his bed.


	5. Citing from the Holy Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Castiel scanned Sam’s face for a reaction, the silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground.
> 
> He expected him to punch him in his face, or maybe yell at him for insulting his father. At least an angry look. But not  
>  _this_.
> 
> “Yeah… He’s kind of a douche actually. I’m sorry he put you in this horrible situation.”  
> “Everyone makes mistakes, Sam. It is just a natural thing to do. We cannot blame those who are only acting human.”

“I know, Sam. It’s not your fault. It’s okay, I swear.”

Sam stopped walking and stopped in the center of the corridor, and turned his back to Jessica.

“Dad’s just- I didn’t know he would…” Sam stammered.

Jessica grabbed his shoulders and turned him around only to find his eyes red and watery, clearly avoiding her gaze.

“I’m so sorry, if I knew... I wouldn't have-“

“Hey! Sam, look at me.”

She cupped his face and turned it towards hers.

Instead of flinching, like he usually did, he was soothed by the touch, and finally dared to look in her eyes.

Her eyes were filled with concern, but sparkled anyways, the light making them look alive. Their light brown color was soft and warm, reflecting the warmth of the sun. A ring of bright gold hung inside her iris, adding another beautiful layer of depth to her eyes.   

Looking into them was so _calming._

 “It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. You hear me?”

She left her hand on his cheek and spoke with such a soft voice, that he felt her words calming him more by the way they were said than the actual meaning of the words. It felt as if he was wrapped in a blanket of her caring.

They looked at each other for a long time until she rested her head on his shoulders and pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him.

The feel of her body so close to his soothed him more than he had expected. He felt her soft skin and the gentle squeeze on his own. He was surrounded by the warmth and the wonderful smell of _Jess_.

He wrapped his arms around her as well, pressing his face into the crook of her neck. The world around him melted as he squeezed her back, not wanting the moment to end.

When Jess hugged him, his brain lit on fire and a warmth spread throughout his entire body. After the first touch she gave him, he was addicted. He just knew her, and he already felt he couldn’t bare not to be with her. He could barely even breathe when she was around, and his stomach always twisted when he saw her smile. From the moment of their first kiss, he knew that if he lost her he would lose himself. He _needed_ her. She was the half that made him whole.

By that thought he slowly let go of her and gave her a warm smile.

He _loved_ her.

His eyes were locked on hers while he swiftly leaned forward. Without thinking he captured her lips with his own.

A heartbeat echoed in his ears and he could feel his cheeks flushing at his sudden move. But once his brain managed to catch up what was currently happening, his eyes slowly fluttered closed as he relaxed into the kiss.

Once Sam was sure that Jess was okay with the kiss proceeding forward, he gently moved his hand up to cup her cheek and tenderly brushed her soft cheek with his thumb.

The kiss was sweet and gentle, meaningful and loving. Jess smiled as she kissed him back, her lips moving softly against his.

Sam felt relieved. He felt secure. He felt happy.

The thought made him grin stupidly.

He _was_ happy.

When the two pulled away from the kiss, Sam smiled fondly with his lips lingering for a few moments longer. His hand continued to rest against Jess’ cheek as he gazed into her eyes. She was slightly breathless, and the mere image almost took his own breath away.

Moments like this, seeing Jessica express something only he would ever have the privilege to see, made Sam fall in love over and over again. These moments were wrapped tightly within his heart, forever cherished.

With these thoughts in his mind, he pressed another impassioned kiss to her lips.

 

***

 

The talk with Father Metatron hadn’t lasted much longer after giving him his word. The priest had told him that he had some other business to do.

Castiel hadn’t questioned it, and he thanked him before leaving the church.

While he walked to the old park, he looked up to the clouds. The sun had filled the sky with its brilliance and a warm glow now, and it shone brightly on Castiel’s face.

Entering the park, a slight breeze rustled the leaves, making them fall to the solid ground one by one. The air was quite warm for this time of the year, and the beams of sunlight, now shining through the autumn leaves, were still glowing softly on his skin. It was completely silent in the park, and the old swings on the playground were stationary.

He liked it here. This park had always been his kind of place it its absolute stillness.

He was alone.

There was barely even a soft whisper from the leaves that remained in the autumn trees. They were gaily waving, dancing, entrancing, lulling him into daydreams sublime. Shades of yellow, green and red fluttered in soft breeze, and he could recognize the lobed leaves of oak and the out-stretched hands of the maple.

It was a tapestry of autumn. The trees were dressed in the beautiful colors of fall.

His eyes caught the golden hues, vivid pinks, fierce red and the crispy earthen browns. It was wonderful.

Castiel could watch nature for hours, but he was required in the hospital.

The sigh that streamed through the air as he walked back to the building was followed by a gentle smile.

His brother needed him.

The thought of Samandriel made him smile all the way back to the hospital, before he stood in front of the building.

He reached the navy double-doors with their plastic band fastened midway and their dull chrome handles. He pulled his eyes from the highly polished linoleum floor to catch a glimpse of the hallway that stretched beyond, cut into tiny squares by the thin wire at the window panels.

Without pause he pushed at the doors with his full body weight, but the doors swung open soundlessly and with ease, which caused him to nearly stumble over his own feet.

A draft of air hit his face, warm and with a hint of bleach. Ahead of him were soft magnolia walls, decorated with children’s drawings. On his right were standing a few doctors drinking coffee and laughing at each other’s stupid medical jokes, probably.

He glanced to his left and eyes fell onto the glass doors to the canteen. On each side of the door was placed a big and heavy stone pot, filled with a peace lily. The glossy green leaves shimmered beautifully in the bright hospital light, and the brilliant, pure white flowers were fully blooming, adding a nice and cozy atmosphere to the room.

Castiel walked through the corridor, heading straight to Samandriel’s room, but when he turned around the corner he stumbled upon something… _unexpected_.

He held his breath when his eyes caught on a woman dressed in a white dress, probably a nurse, and a man he recognized as the man with the floppy hair that had been in the room next to Samandriel’s. He felt his cheeks flushing pink when he realised what they were doing.

He didn’t know what to do, or how to react to it, so he just stood there, shocked and frozen to the spot, staring at the two kissing people in the corridor.

A stronger and more prominent blush rose to his face as the two of them pulled away and they both looked at him. He immediately turned away, wanting to walk back to the hall and pretend he hadn’t seen any of it. He was ready to forget everything he just saw, but then someone called his name.

“Castiel? Is that you?”

Castiel froze again, now with his back turned to them.

_Nononono… How does he know my name?_

He had never been a social butterfly and he didn’t have a lot of friends. He barely even recognized the man’s face, so why did _he_ know _him_?

“Castiel?” He said it a bit louder this time, obviously irritated because he hadn’t responded.

Castiel hesitated before he slowly turned around, and he nearly squeaked the moment he realised that the enormous man was standing so close to him. _Too_ close to him.

Would he know about his powers? Was he angry with him?

“I- I don’t know… Do I know you?” He managed to say without instantly running away from him.

He kept his glance on the ground, ignoring the man’s  terrifying gaze. In the corner of his eye he was searching for an accessible escape. Panic started to grow in his chest when his back pressed to the wall and he realised he had been walking backwards.

 “Oh come on, Sam. Give that poor man some air, can’t you see he’s uncomfortable? You’re obviously intimidating him!”

He felt the tension in his body slowly drift away when the woman let out a nervous giggle.

The man mumbled an apology before he started to walk back a bit, so he was standing next to the nurse now.

“I wasn’t- I am _not_ intimidated.” He hissed, feeling more confident now the man had backed off.

“I wouldn’t have been surprised if you were, he isn’t exactly what you call a normal sized human, you know?”

She winked at him and Castiel blushed again.

“Alright, thank you for the moral support, Jess.” The man shot her a look before facing him and stretching out his hand.

“Sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, Castiel. I’m Sam. Your sister Anna told me about you. Maybe you know me from-“

Castiel aggressively accepted the handshake as he snarled: “Your father is the man who nearly killed my brother. I am aware.”

That sounded much harsher than he intended it to.

As Castiel scanned Sam’s face for a reaction, the silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground.

He expected him to punch him in his face, or maybe yell at him for insulting his father. At least an angry look.

But not _this_.

“Yeah… He’s kind of a douche actually. I’m sorry he put you in this horrible situation.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, Sam. It is just a natural thing to do. We cannot blame those who are only acting human.”

They both stared at him with widely opened eyes.

The nurse was the first to say something to break the silence.

“Wow. That sounded quite… _poetic_. You already look like a very special person to me, Castiel. My name’s Jessica by the way. But you can call me Jess if you want to.”

Yeah. Special. Just another euphemism for the term ‘weird’.

Castiel knew he was weird. But _they_ didn’t know that, at least not yet. And he hoped that they would never find out about how ‘special’ he really was. They would probably think that he was a psycho. That he was a freak, a loser, a crank. Those words were still spinning around in his head, after all these years.

Castiel wondered if he could ever get rid of these thoughts.

“It’s nice to meet you Jess. You seem to be very sympathetic too.”

Sam scraped his throat. “So… What were you planning to do, Castiel? Because I could use some coffee right now, and Jess too, right?” Jess looked at him, probably not knowing what her boyfriend was trying to do.

And Castiel didn’t know either, but he would never have expected the question Sam asked him.

“Wanna join us, Castiel?”

Castiel hesitated. Samandriel could be awake by now, and maybe he needed him. He couldn’t risk that, could he?

Castiel glanced quickly at the clock that hung above the information desk. It was almost three o’clock. Actually, he could use some coffee now. He hadn’t had any lunch yet, so he would have to eat something before going to Samandriel anyway. And it wasn’t that late. Castiel only just knew this people, but maybe they could be friends after some time.

 _Friends_. The last time he had thought of that word was over ten years ago.

He never really had friends, especially not in the last few years. He hadn’t even had social contacts at all, except for his siblings and his mother.

This was going to be so awkward.

“I’ve… The last time I had real friends is a few years ago, so… So you could say my people skills are a little.. _rusty_.” Sam huffed and even Jessica didn’t bother to hide her own amusement.

“What? What is so funny?” Castiel snapped back, knitting his brows either in confusion or annoyance, he couldn’t decide which.

“Oh, come on. It’s gonna be fine, Cas. I’m sure we’ll have fun.” Jess said cheerfully.

So they wanted him to come. They wanted to get to know him. Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

So Castiel shrugged. “Yes. Why not, right? Let’s have some _fun_ together.” A forced smile appeared on his face.

He and having fun. Totally. That sounds absolutely possible. He was a complete loser. He would just ruin everything and make stupid inappropriate jokes and create awkward silences.

What was wrong with him? This wasn’t a good idea at all.

But he couldn’t say no anymore, because Jess and Sam, his new _friends,_ had already entered the hospital canteen and were gesturing him to come in too.

Now a real smile spread across his face, and his eyes glistened.

He was going to have fun with his new friends.


	6. Divine Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The little incident in the corridor had been a little misunderstanding. It had just been really uncomfortable, and he had been thinking about it all the time only because he is such an awkward person.
> 
> He had been thinking about him just because their first meeting hadn’t been really… prosperous. Nothing special had happened, and Dean was just drunk now. 
> 
> That was the only reason he did this.
> 
> _It is only the alcohol. Nothing more._

The canteen was quite filled, unlike yesterday. Even though there were several people, it wasn’t really noisy. The only thing Sam could hear was some soft muttering, but it apart from that it was completely silent.

While Castiel and Jess were already getting themselves a tray for their food, Sam looked around at the busy tables.

An old couple was sitting side by side, a cup of coffee each, studiously bent over their bowl of soup. None of them was saying anything.

Then the sudden evoked voice of a man drew his attention. The suited man was sitting at a table at the window, and he laughed hysterically as he held a cell phone to his ear and looked outside. And at the table behind him there were sitting two children and a parent. The father had buried his face in his hands, and the little girl was drawing something. The boy just gazed into the distance with watery eyes.

It was a sad sight. Something terrible must’ve happened.

Sam sighed and looked away. Watching other people wasn’t exactly something that made him happy.

Castiel was looking at the menu on the wall, and it seemed like he had already made his choice because he was intensely staring at the picture of a hamburger. Jess stood beside him, and both of them were already holding a tray.

Sam quickly grabbed one too, and walked to the bar.

He was about to get himself a salad again, but he changed his mind when he looked at the salads that were standing in on display.

Salad was supposed to be colorful, healthy, fresh, and yesterday it had been delicious, but this time it didn’t look that healthy at all.

This salad was limp. The lettuce looked like it had been kept in a plastic bag for too long, and the cucumber was laid over the edge of the white plate, nearly falling on the ground. Even the tomato had been sliced into uneven chunks with probably a blunt butter knife, and to finish everything off, cheese cubes had been tossed on the top, coated with something that looked like a large dollop of mayonnaise.

It just looked like shit.

So what was he going to eat? He sure as hell wasn’t getting a burger like Castiel. He wondered what Jessica was getting. He looked around, searching for her, and he was surprised when he saw her standing a little further away, in front of the pastry showcase.

He walked up to Jessica and grabbed her upper arms while he peeked over her shoulder.

“You’re getting _pie_?” He asked when she grabbed a plate with a slice of cherry pie on it. “I thought you had a more healthy lifestyle, Jess. But I’m sure Dean’s gonna like you a whole better now.” He teased.

“Hey! I have every right to eat pie today, Mr. Winchester!”

Both he and Castiel stared at her, processing what she just told them.

“Yes, that was a hint, Sherlock. It’s my birthday today. Thanks for the massive amount of gifts you two got me.” She said with a smirk on her face, and winked at Castiel again.

“But… How- Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I could’ve bought you something, and I should’ve paid our lunch, and- Do you have a party? Are your parents coming? Jess, you should’ve-“ Sam breathed, until Jess burst out laughing.

“It’s okay, dumbass. Yeah, my parents are gonna meet you at the party. It’s no big deal, really. Oh and by the way, this is the best birthday I’ve had in years. You’re the most wonderful gift I could’ve asked for.”

Sam felt the heat flowing through his body and turning his face red as he tried to calm down again. He was desperately searching for a good reply, but Castiel saved him.

“Happy birthday, Jessica.” He said with a soft voice, as he slowly stretched out his arm to offer her a handshake.

“Yeah, uhm… Happy birthday, Jess.” Sam added.

“Oh please. You’re both so damn awkward!” She teased. “I thought we were gonna have some fun guys, come on!”

Castiel and Sam looked at each other. Okay maybe he was a little awkward, but… He just didn’t know what to answer. And Castiel seemed to have the same problem. It remained completely silent for a few seconds until Castiel started to laugh.

Oh wait, no, he started to _giggle_ like a damn schoolgirl.

How could Sam not laugh at this? This wasn’t even supposed to be funny and this was just so damn stupid, but still both of them were laughing loudly.

Oh well, at least the tension was gone now, and Castiel didn’t seem to be scared of him anymore.

Jess sighed dramatically with a smile on her face. “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you two. Could we at least go sit somewhere please?”

“Wha- Yeah, of course,” Sam said through his laughter, desperately trying to calm down again. “And of course we’re gonna have fun. Who doesn’t like birthdays?”

“I really do like them. But I think that too many would kill you.” Castiel said, trying desperately to hold back his own laugh as he expectantly looked at both him and Jessica.

“Get it? Because you get older when it’s-”

“Oh, come on!” Sam started to laugh again.

“That was _low,_ Castiel. _Very_ low. I’m disappointed in you.” He said, but still he couldn’t help but laugh at the baddest joke he’d ever heard.

Jessica huffed and rolled her eyes, before sitting down at a table. “Guys, come on. I’m thirsty and I crave some pie. Sit.” She said while pointing at the other chairs.

Castiel gave him a little smile before he took a seat as well.

He was a nice guy. Castiel had been … awkward, and maybe a little bit weird at first, but you wouldn’t actually say that he was really different from the rest or something. His stupid joke was horrible, but Sam wasn’t going to complain about it. He’s definitely a good-hearted dude. But with a terrible sense of humor.

Sam glimpsed at him as Castiel was talking to Jessica.

He seemed to be a lot more comfortable right now. They already had fun together, and it felt like he had known Castiel for years.

Castiel was going to be a good friend.

_***_

His hands gripped around the neck of the bottle, and his eyes were swiveling towards the back of his head in a distressed sense of a headache. He tilted his head towards the edge of the couch as he took another long swig of the dark substance that affected him.

He sighed as the walls became part of a fun house, changing figure in a blink of an eye. His breath was the underlying cause of the smell of alcohol that entered his nostrils, and his mouth was sore from the amount of alcohol that he had poured down his throat.

All Dean wanted was his dark bedroom. That’s where he could feel the comfort of the bed overtaking the state of drunkenness. Dean cleared his throat as he stood up, just to fall back down on the couch.

It’s not that he deserved comfort anyway. He should just check on Sammy real quick. His life wasn’t as fucked up as his. He had cared for him. That was the only thing he hadn’t really fucked up. At least not _yet_.

He stood up again and staggered to the front door, gripping on bookcases and tables. He breathed in the fresh, humid air before he stumbled outside, heading to the hospital.

 

***

 

Castiel was quite happy.

He had made some new friends, and Samandriel was feeling way better now. Maybe his brother would be alright after all.

He opened the glass hospital door, and he sighed once the cold air and the smell of rain filled his nose.

Castiel _loved_ rain.

The feeling of the droplets when they landed in his hair and they tickled his skin. The smell of it in the air before and after it fell from the clouds. Rain made everything seem darker, but at the same time it made it all so much more beautiful. It made the streets go awfully quiet, but it still made the most wonderful sound of nature.

He stood there for a moment, under the gloomy clouds, while he admired the beautiful view. He smiled when he felt the first cold and wet sprinkle of rain on his skin. Drops of water trickled down his body as he stood there frozen, his gaze fixed on the sky, staring at the beauty  of the whole scenario.

His day couldn’t get any better.

But it could still get a little bit _worse_.

When Castiel lowered his gaze and was about to continue his walk home, his eyes fell on a staggering figure in the distance. He couldn’t recognize the man, but he was almost certain that he was _drunk_.

Castiel started walking towards the person, and the closer he got, the more clearly he could see his face. As soon as his eyes landed on the man’s now recognizable face, his heart stopped in his chest.

Because that’s when he saw it.

That’s when he knew it was _him._

His once white-red plaid shirt was stained and his hair was messy and greasy. His beautiful green eyes had a strange sunken look now, and the white of his eyes was so densely threaded with scarlet that it appeared pink. His freckled nose and his cheeks were glowing under broken veins, and his actions were slow and clumsy.

The man gave him a glazy look, and murmured something with a rough voice.

“’S you again, isn’t it? ‘Ve been thinkin’ bout you, ya know?”

Castiel felt his cheeks turning pink, but he didn’t care, simply because it wasn’t important right now.

“What are you doing here?” He asked carefully.

“Just chillin’, was about t’go to Sammy. ‘Nd I was searchin’ for your pretty blues.”

“You shouldn’t be here right now, why don’t you go home?”

The man stared at him for an uncomfortable long time, and Castiel was about to drop his gaze when he started closing the distance between them.

“’M not goin’ anywhere. I’m totally fine, I swear-“ The man almost sank to his legs, but Castiel quickly grabbed his elbows to support him.

“Mmmh thanks for savin’me, Cas.”

Castiel held his breath. So _he_ knew his name too. Anna had been talking about him again. Wonderful.

“You seem to know my name as well.” He stated. “So what is yours?”

“M Dean. Nice meetin’ you. Really, _really_ nice. Nd warm. Nd soft, and-“ 

Castiel froze as Dean stepped forward and nuzzled into his neck, inhaling slowly.

“Mmya smell really great, you know that?”

“Uhm… Thanks but…” Castiel said softly. “I think- I think you should go home, Dean. Yes, that would be best.”

Dean didn’t say anything, but he hummed in approval. He was practically hugging Castiel now.

The smell of whiskey hung strongly in the air, mixed with the scent of Dean’s skin still mingling with some sort of cologne. Castiel tried slipping out of Dean’s strong grip, but Dean immediately got even closer and was now pressing his whole body against his own.

Suddenly Dean let go of him and leaned back a bit, but he was still standing way too close. Castiel’s eyes widened as he felt Dean’s palm gently stroking his jaw.

“Like your stubble. ‘S gorgeous. ‘S damn hot actually.”

Heat flushed in Castiel’s body, and it flowed to his neck. Why was Dean saying all these things? He had obviously been drinking too much, but still. You wouldn’t say things like this, right?

The blush creeped up to his cheeks now.

What if he, _Dean_ , liked him? Not like a friend, but in the _love_ way. He couldn’t be, right? And even _if_ he did, Castiel didn’t like Dean.

_Right?_

The little incident in the corridor had been a little misunderstanding. It had just been really uncomfortable, and he had been thinking about it all the time only because he is such an awkward person. He had been thinking about _him_ just because their first meeting hadn’t been really… prosperous. Nothing special had happened, and Dean was just drunk now.

That was the only reason he did this.

 _It is only the alcohol. Nothing more ._ He repeated in his head, eyes closed as Dean kept patting his face.

But then Castiel realised something.

It would be so easy to find out what Dean was thinking right now.

He just had to touch Dean’s forehead, and he would immediately know what he was thinking and what he felt. He just had to use his powers again.

And if he used them, he could also heal Dean. Dean wouldn’t be drunk anymore, and he wouldn’t feel or remember anything of it, and Castiel could talk to him in his sober state. Maybe they could become friends, and-

It would be so _simple._

He just had to use his powers one more time.

But Father Metatron had asked him not to. Castiel had to ask him for permission first. He had to obey him. He had to obey church.

Castiel couldn’t ignore those thoughts. God is more important than anything. He was _not_ going to do it. He couldn’t, he shouldn’t and he just _won’t_.

And why did he care about Dean this much? He shouldn’t care about him, he didn’t even know the man.

Castiel had even considered to disobey because of him. And that made Castiel even more angry with himself.

He was _not_ disobeying God.

Castiel roughly pushed Dean away from him, and Dean grunted when his back hit the building behind him.

“The fuck, Cas?” He groaned.

“I am _not_ helping you, Dean.” Castiel snapped, before he turned around and walked away from him, already missing the warm comfortable heat of Dean’s body.

 

***

 

It had been a wonderful day for Sam.

And it was about to be followed by a wonderful evening.

The once so lingering light of the day had been obligated by the rapidly fallen night. The red and purple sky had transformed into a vest expanse of dark blue that enfulged the town.

The canopy of luminous stars materialised amongst the ocean of blackness. Some were dull, merely flickering into existence every now and then, but there was an adequate amount of shimmering stars to illuminate the dark, moonless night.

The puddles of water glinstened, mirroring the dazzling assemblance of glittering stars and the light from the restaurants and boutiques that lined in the dark streets. The faint wind brushed against the water’s surface, the ripples ruffling the stillness of it and shattering the reflection of the buildings.

The walk to the park had been longer than he expected, and it was pretty cold outside, but aside from that everything was just perfect.

They had almost reached their destination now; the park bench with the most beautiful view of the whole town.

He wanted to surprise Jess , and it wasn’t a secret for him that Jessica was a huge fan of astronomy. And because Sam enjoyed learning about them, and as some sort of birthday gift, he had brought her here to watch the stars together.

Suddenly Sam felt shy. Even though he and Jess were together now, they still didn’t know everything about each other. Maybe Jess didn’t even like this idea, or maybe she’d laugh about how cheesy this really is. Because it really _was_ cheesy.

And were they supposed to hold hands or something? _No, that’s weird._ He thought, although he suspected that Jessica wouldn’t say no if Sam were to ask her.

Why was he even being so nervous? He’d already met her damn _parents_ , for God’s sake. This could end well. This would probably end well.

But there was a part of him that remained skeptical, that was negatively telling him no. If he moved too soon, he’d probably scare Jess away.

They had stopped in front of the bench now, and Sam cleared his throat.

“Urm…,” He could feel his heart rate increase, his hands sweating but still cold.

“I- Do you like it here?”

He glanced to his left as she answered him. Her long loose hair had been tousled by the soft evening breeze, and her eyes glinstened as she looked up to the sky.

“It’s beautiful, Sam.”

“And aren’t… Aren’t you cold or something, because- My hands are damn cold.”

“I’m actually never cold, so my hands are pretty warm. You want me to warm up yours?”

“Uhh… No thanks, I think I’m good.”

He was glad for the darkness, because he was sure that his face was as red as a tomato, and he didn’t want Jessica to see him in his weakness.

He smiled when Jessica sat down on the bench and looked up at Sam expectantly, before patting the spot next to her, a clear invitation.

Sam couldn’t sit down fast enough.

He didn’t end up close to her, but Jessica closed the distance between them eventually.

She was warm and comfortable, and Sam’s heart was pounding so hard that he was sure that it was echoing all around them; but then he felt Jessica squeeze his hand, before entwining her fingers with his, as if to reassure him that she was there and it was okay.

Sam calmed down soon enough, and they just sat there for a while, looking at the sky and exploring the stars. Jessica pointed out some stars and planets, and she told him about constellations and their history, while Sam enjoyed listening to it.

But soon it was time to go home again. They walked quicker this time, partly because Sam had been _freezing_ after being out in the cold for over an hour.

Although, if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t really want to go home. Leaving now meant being separated from Jess.

As they walked back, Jessica reached out and took his hand again, this time smiling at him.

This was just _perfect._

When they reached the point where they had to separate, Jess hugged him.

“Thank you, Sam.” She whispered. “Thank you so much. This was just… I think we should definitely do something like this again.” Unable to contain the happy feeling in his heart, he pulled away from the hug and leaned in to press his lips quickly against Jessica’s.

“Happy birthday, Jess.” He whispered fondly after the tiny kiss.

She responded by leaning in again to give him a longer and even sweeter kiss than he had given her.

“I love you, Sam.” She whispered when she pulled back.

“I love you too.”


	7. Tools of the Devil Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thought of Dean being on his own in that state squeezed his brain. The guilt he felt sat not on his chest but inside his brain, pushing away all his other thoughts he had earlier. Dean could be hurt, or even worse- 
> 
> Castiel would never forgive himself if something happened to Dean. 
> 
> A loud, cackling laugh echoed through the room now, redeeming Castiel from his thoughts.  
> Anna was sitting next to Samandriel’s bed, laughing with her head thrown back and her eyes squeezed closed. She was having fun, while Dean could be in danger. 
> 
> How _dared_ she being this joyous when Dean had felt like this?

The hospital room was quiet when Castiel entered it. It was already dark outside, and the clock on the simple white wall indicated that it was past 10. Samandriel seemed to be sleeping, but when Castiel wanted to sit down next to his bed, he immediately opened his eyes.

“Castiel… Where have you been?” He murmured.

“Hello Samandriel. I’m sorry I was not here when you needed me. I was outside, I just needed a little walk.” He smiled apologetically.

“Nah, it’s okay. Now you’re here, right?”

“Of course I am. Is there anything you need?” Castiel asked while he straightened Samandriel’s blanket.

“Not really. Can we just talk?” Samandriel said as he got himself in a sitting position.

Castiel smiled. Samandriel had always been a very talkative person. Almost completely the opposite of himself. But Castiel didn’t mind talking, the conversations with his brothers were always very pleasant. As long as they weren’t talking about _him_.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?” He asked as he sat down.

“Just anything. About you, for example. How are you doing?”

Castiel sighed. “I’m doing… fine, I think.”

Samandriel sat up a little bit straighter so he was looking in his eyes now. “You _think_? What’s wrong then?”

A light shiver went through Castiel’s body. There was so much wrong at this moment. Should he tell Samandriel how he was feeling? Should he tell him about what happened with Father Metatron? Or should he tell him about Dean?

But Samandriel didn’t have to know about everything, did he? Samandriel was family, so he had the right to know about his promise with God. He could tell him that, right?

“Castiel?” Samandriel’s voice sounded louder, but also filled with more concern.

Castiel took a deep breath in and glanced away. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke up.

“I- I have spoken with Father Metatron, and-“

“Father _Metatron_? Why would you willingly go to _him_?” Samandriel growled. “Come on, Castiel. You know he’s a douche.”

“Metatron is not a ‘douche’, he helped me earlier and I know that-“ Castiel defended, but he got cut off.

“Okay, okay, I get it. But why did you visit him?”

Castiel sighed.

 _Okay,_ he said to himself. _Here we go._

 

***

 

“Castiel, please just listen to me. We can’t fix our family. You shouldn’t have- You don’t have to listen to him, okay?”

Castiel had hid his face in his hands so Samandriel couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. Even though Samandriel knew about how desperate and sad he was at this moment, he still didn’t want him to see this side of him. Not _again._

He hated this side of him. This was his _weak_ side. Castiel shouldn’t be the crying boy he had been the time after he was beaten up. He wasn’t _him_ anymore.

Castiel was strong now, and he should take care of Samandriel. Not the other way around.

He quickly rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat.

“He forgave me, Samandriel. _God_ forgave me. I gave him my word, and now I can do something right. I can be the human I’m supposed to be. And then Naomi can be proud of me again.”

“Castiel, I-“ Samandriel murmured. “You shouldn’t-“

He knew Samandriel wouldn’t agree with his choice to trust Father Metatron,  or even Naomi. Samandriel didn’t trust his own mother, and he had advised Castiel to keep his distance from her. He once had even _begged_ him not to tell her about his powers anymore. She would only be interested in his abilities, not in _him_ or his health.

But Castiel didn’t believe him. Of course did Naomi love him. She had always been right, and she did her best to raise him properly. He taught him to have faith and hope, even if there wasn’t any light on the end of the dark tunnel. She loved every single one of their family, and she had tried, and probably still _is_ trying to keep everyone together.

Father Metatron and Naomi only wanted to protect him and his surroundings from his inability to control his powers. That couldn’t be that bad, right?

“In this way my gift can’t do any more harm.” He continued. “As long as I listen to him, there is no way I can hurt more people. You- You know how much pain my powers can cause, how much pain _I_ can cause.”

“Yeah, I know, Castiel. I _know_. But please believe me when I say you have never really harmed the people who didn’t deserve it. You are a good person, Castiel. And-“

The entrance of their sister caught the attention of both of them.

“Of course he is!” She almost sang in a melodious voice, while walking towards the bed. “And I heard that Castiel has even made some friends! You’re doing good, Castiel” She looked at him with one of her warm smiles lighting up her face.

Samandriel quickly glanced at Castiel, as if he asked permission to tell Anna about everything he just told him, but Castiel slowly shook his head. If Anna knew about the promise he made, she would only be more angry with her mother and more worried about him. And that was not what he wanted.

Castiel looked back at Anna and gave her a little smile. He knew it was one of the worst fake smiles he had put on in his whole life, and that the sadness was definitely visible in his eyes right now. But luckily Anna didn’t seem to notice it because she had already casted her gaze upon Samandriel.

“And how are _you_ holding up, little one?” She asked.

“I’m doing very well, I guess. The doctors told me if I keep it up like this, I can go home in like, a week or so.”

“That’s amazing, Samandriel! See, I told you that it would be alright! Everything is going to be fine!” She sang again, now with a big smile on her face.

Anna had always been a very happy and optimistic person, but Castiel hadn’t seen her this happy in years. Her eyes were twinkling in the moonlight that softly shone through the window, and her smile dimpled her cheeks like never before.

Samandriel seemed to have noticed it too.

“Geez, why are you so happy all of a sudden? Did you win the lottery or something?” Samandriel teased.

“No. Something even better. Yesterday I have- Dean and I are kind of together since yesterday.”

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat. _Dean._ She wasn’t talking about _the_ Dean, right? She couldn’t be talking about the green-eyed Dean, the bow-legged Dean, the drunk Dean. She couldn’t be talking about _his_ Dean.

“D-Dean? Dean who?” He managed to ask softly.

Her face lit up by saying his name.

“The son of the alcoholic. Dean _Winchester_.”

 

***

 

Castiel didn’t know how to feel about this.

Dean had been acting so weird towards him. Castiel almost thought that Dean _liked_ him. And that- That wasn’t possible. Was it?

Feeling attraction towards the same gender was just a delusion, it wasn’t natural. And even if Dean liked him, Castiel didn’t care. He didn’t like Dean.

But _luckily_ Dean didn’t like Castiel. Because he was in a relationship with his sister. Dean _didn’t_ like him. He should be relieved. But he wasn’t.

Castiel had an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. A feeling that he had never experienced before. It didn’t even make sense to him, but the thought of Dean being with his sister made his stomach turn.

Although Anna was so happy right now, Dean hadn’t appeared to be. He knew the alcoholism was in their family, and that Dean had been _drinking_. So Dean must have felt not really well.

And Castiel had tried to help him. Castiel _cared_ about Dean, even though he didn’t really know him yet. Castiel was willing to bet that _she_ didn’t even know that Dean had been drinking.

Anna was cheerfully talking to Samandriel now, as if nothing was wrong. And it made Castiel angry.

Dean had been walking outside, all by himself, in the cold. And when Castiel offered him help, Dean had immediately accepted it. He had _needed_ the help. He needed the help _Anna_ hadn’t offered him.

But _Castiel_ had been there. Dean had needed _him_.

If it wasn’t for Castiel, Dean could have been in trouble.

Castiel held his breath when he realised something. He wasn’t there _anymore_. Castiel had walked away because of his ludicrous overreacting, and he had left Dean alone even when he had needed him so badly. Castiel should have stayed with him.

The thought of Dean being on his own in that state squeezed his brain. The guilt he felt sat not on his chest but inside his brain, pushing away all his other thoughts he had earlier. Dean could be hurt, or even worse-

Castiel would never forgive himself if something happened to Dean.

A loud, cackling laugh echoed through the room now, redeeming Castiel from his thoughts.

Anna was sitting next to Samandriel’s bed, laughing with her head thrown back and her eyes squeezed closed. She was having _fun,_ while Dean could be in danger _._

How _dared_ she being this joyous when Dean had felt like this?

“Why weren’t you there when he needed you, then?” He snarled through clenched teeth.

“Wha- What do you mean?” She giggled nervously, but mild concern was visible in her eyes.

“I walked into him about an hour ago. He was drunk.”

“He was WHAT?! Where did you see him? Why was he-“ Anna breathed as she immediately rose and grasped for her jacket that hang around her chair.

“Almost in the park. I would hurry if I were you.” Castiel hissed as she ran out of the room.

Secretly he hoped that Anna wouldn’t find him, so that she would be worried all night long. But on the other side, he hoped that she would find Dean and that he would be safe.

After Anna stormed out of the room, there was a moment of silence, until Samandriel said something again.

“Castiel… What was that about?” He asked carefully.

“Hmm?”

“Why were you snapping at her like that?”

Had it been that obvious? He hadn’t yelled at her, had he? Suddenly Castiel felt guilty. He had probably sounded really angry, and he hadn’t meant to.

“Castiel?” Samandriel’s voice sounded more demanding this time. “Did I miss something?”

“No, nothing. It’s nothing.” He murmured.

There was a long moment of silence again, before Castiel dared to speak again.

“I assume that she is not coming back, and that we are left alone again.”

Samandriel smiled at him. “But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, right?” He said.

“No, of course not. What do you want to talk about now?” Castiel asked as he tried to hold back a yawn.

“Or we could, like, go to sleep? I mean, it’s late and-“ Samandriel suggested, followed by a yawn that made himself even more tired.

“Yes. That would be a great idea. Do you need anything?”

“Nah, I’m good.” Samandriel stretched his muscles one more time, before he lied town again.

“Night, Castiel”

“Goodnight, Samandriel.”

Castiel closed his eyes as he sat back in his chair. Sleeping in a hospital chair wasn’t really that comfortable, but he was already used to it. Although it was completely silent in the hospital, and no sound could be heard, it seemed like there was a war going on in his head. His thoughts were loud and almost deafening, and they wouldn’t go away as quickly as Castiel was used to.

He kept worrying about Dean and Anna, about Metatron and Naomi, his family and of course about his gift. How he could have done it better. How he should have done it right. How he ruined almost everything for everyone.

The thoughts were overwhelming, and Castiel feared that this was going to be one of his sleepless nights, but eventually he felt that he sank deeper into the chair and started to let go of most of the tension in his body. And when he relaxed even more, completely letting go of every upcoming thought or distraction, he slowly drift off in a deep and wonderful sleep, dreaming dreams he would completely forget when he woke up the next morning. Dreams about something that he had never thought about before. Dreams in which he was happy.

Dreams involving whiskey, bow-legs and green eyes.

 

***

 

The smoke twisted in its artistic way, forming big curls in the gloom, illuminated only by the age-speckled bar lights. Each drink he had gotten had seemed like a better idea. His jokes got funnier, and he could flirt with everyone he liked, without feeling guilty about it.

But there was one thing he _still_ felt guilty about.

The name kept going through his head. Castiel had been there. For _him_. He had wanted to help him.

He had probably done something stupid, but he couldn’t really remember everything. Honestly, the only thing he remembered was that Castiel walked away from him. The rest remained hazy. Thinking about it gave him even a more painful headache.

Castiel had left him alone. There should be a damn good reason for him to do that. Dean had probably acted like a moron.

But Dean had fucked up somehow. Again.

Dean raised a shaky finger to call the server, and when nobody appeared he turned his head slowly to his right to watch her scrubbing the glass of the chiller cabinet. _Is it already that late?_ He wondered.

Even in his alcoholic stupor  his heart rate rose a little, and his eyes widened. He hadn’t visited the hospital yet.

He had completely forgotten about it after he came across Castiel. He had forgotten about Sammy. He had let his father down again. He had totally fucked up _everything_.

“Hey!” He called. “How ‘bout ‘nother whiskey?” The blonde girl turned her head, and on her face he saw an irritated frown. The professional smile she’d worn all night quite gone now, and her eyes were pink and her lids sagging.

“I _think_ you’ve had enough, dude.” She snapped. “You go home now, kay?” Then she returned to the glass.

He huffed. He wasn’t going home. He couldn’t. He had to look after Sammy. And after the other ones he cared about.

Dean wobbled on the high stool, his legs buckling when he stood up.

He was more aware of the upcoming cracking headache than the layer of dehydrated saliva that coated his cracked lips. Now that he was on his feet again the room swayed, almost causing him to lose balance and he reached out for the wall. His hand slipped along the high sheen paint, causing him to sprawl onto the hard tiled floor with a crashing thump. The room swirled before becoming stationary again. He used the bar to pull himself to a standing position again.

Dean raised his heavy eyelids half way, only for them to fall shut. He felt a warm, strong hand on his shoulder, that remembered him of someone.

“C-Cas?” He groaned. “That you?”

He opened his eyes again, wanting to see those wonderful blue eyes again, but he hadn’t expected the concerned grey ones that were looking at him now. One bleary look told him that it was a woman. His face flushed even pinker.

“No, this is Ellen. You feelin’ okay, boy?”

“‘M fine, ma’am. Was ‘bout to go home-“ He mumbled.

“You better. You sure you’re gonna make it?”

“Yeah… ‘M sure. Thanks for askin’”

After another worried look from the woman, she finally let go of him and opened the door.

He air was cold when he stepped outside, but it was still kind of pleasant. He heard the door close behind him, and he started walking to the hospital.

It went surprisingly well. Although he almost stumbled few times, he had made it without any trouble. His vision had almost completely returned, and he felt a little better now, but his throbbing headache got worse.

The now recognizable hospital smell filled his nose as he entered the building. He quietly went to his father’s room, not wanting any doctor or nurse to catch him and throw him out.

He was almost in the room, until he bumped into someone. He cursed under his breath, but when his eyes focussed on the red hair and the familiar face, he completely froze.

“Dean! What happened? I was so worried about you!” She yelled as she hugged him tight.

Dean flinched from the loud noise, and didn’t hug her back.

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Anna asked as she quickly let go of him, her voice sounding softer this time.

“’S nothing. I just wanted to see how Dad was doing, so just lemme-“

“We can go together. But we’ll talk about this later on, okay?”

Dean hummed, and they both carefully entered the room.

“Dean?! What the fuck did you think you were doing?!” The loud voice of his father sounded loudly through the room.

Dean opened his mouth to answer him, but his gaze fell on the side table next to John’s bed.

The bottle of beer that stood on it was clearly empty, and his father was holding another in his hand.

“And the fuck are YOU doing then?! You’re in a _hospital_ for God’s sake. How retarded can you be? How’d you even get that?”

“Mind your own goddamn business, son. You’re just- Ohh… What do we have here?” Dean saw his father’s eyes widen as he noticed there was someone else in the room with them.

“Who’s this, huh? ‘Nother bitch of yours?”

“ _Excuse me?”_ Anna hissed as she stepped forward. “Firstly, I am a normal human being, and I can talk for _myself_. Secondly-“

Anna fell silent as John started laughing hysterically.

“Oh honey, I really, really, _really_ don’t give a shit. Now, _get outta my room_.” He snarled.

Dean’s head spun at the angry voices of Anna and his father. Normally, he would agree with his father, simply because his father taught him to choose family over everything.

But he had made this mistake way too often. Talking with his father when they were both drunk wasn’t a good idea. He would do the right thing this time.

So he grabbed Anna’s wrist and pulled her out of the hospital room, not listening to the harsh words of his father anymore.

He’d had enough of his father’s insults. Enough of the blaming and the shouting. Enough of the alcohol. Enough of his _father._

He was so _done_ with everything.

 

***

 

He had nothing. His wife got killed. His youngest son, the successful one of the family, had chosen some worthless bitch over him. His oldest one was a failure and walked away on him, and just not worth the effort.

John was so pitiful.

He just couldn’t understand why life had to be so  _hard_ for him.

He sighed as he reached out for the bag under his hospital bed, and he pulled out a brand new bottle.

He didn’t deserve this life. He had loved his wife and that had made him a good husband.

His throat burned as the first swig of amber liquid flowed through.

He had taught his sons everything that was important, and that’s why he had been a good father. He just didn’t  _deserve_  this life.

He slowly took another swig, and he enjoyed the strong and bitter taste of it even more when he took another.

He was such a good man. Life shouldn’t be so  _hard_ on him. This life, a superficial lie full of constant compromise and endless sacrifice.

The lighter the bottle, the heavier his head became. He was so  _tired._ He closed his eyes but he couldn’t open them anymore, and he felt the contents of his stomach coming up again.

But he kept drinking.

He  _just_ kept drinking.

The last thing he heard was the crackling noise of the empty bottle falling to pieces on the hard wooden floor, and then everything went black.


	8. Religious Beliefs, Fanatic Obsession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was definitely not a pressing situation. She was just using him. Everyone was capable of handling a simple headache, and so was she. Besides, a few minutes ago she was doing just fine, so it couldn’t be that bad. Using his powers for such a silly innocent thing just didn’t feel right to him.  
> “This does not feel good.” He admitted while lowering his gaze to the floor, avoiding the furious glance she threw at him.

Sam was sitting in the park with Jessica. It was late in the morning, and they were almost done with their lunch.

It was such a lovely day. The morning sun lay in the sky, coloring the autumn trees in different shades of red and gold with its sweet light. The world was painted vivid by its rays, like a new painting with still wet oils.

The breeze was soft, calming and peaceful. Sam could feel the cold autumn air running through his veins, caressing his lungs and making its way deep inside his heart, filling him with nostalgic, calm happiness he didn’t remember to have felt before.

He turned his head to his right, and smiled softly when he saw her. Jessica was sitting there, enjoying the beautiful morning as much as he did. Her blonde, almost golden hair flew in wild directions, until she reached up and tucked it behind her ear. She dropped her gaze from the air and was looking at him now.

The soft wisps of her pale honey hair swept past her ear and caressed the skin of her neck, jaw, cheeks and around her rather beautiful, deep eyes. The light brown color of them shone brightly, reflecting the warmth of the sun.

There was something about the way she smiled. The way butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of his stomach, and the way the sun had somehow toppled down from the sky and made a home right there in his heart when he looked at it. She had the kind of smile that made you feel happy to be alive.

Jessica was like his autumn breeze. She carried his heart slowly with her to a more romantic and exotic world, filled with harmony and warmth.

He wanted this feeling to still be there when he was old. He closed his eyes and savoured the moment, but never released his grip on Jessica’s soft, warm hand. For the first time in forever his body and mind really _relaxed_. In that moment there were no expectations upon him, no deadlines to cause stress and no schedules to meet.

But then the sharp and piercing sound of his ringtone sounded through his ears.

Normally he wouldn’t pick up when he was eating, but this time he did because it was Dean who called him.

Sam whispered an apology to Jessica and sighed before he pressed the green button.

“Yeah?”

“Sam? Where the hell are you?” His brother’s voice sounded panicked through the phone.

“I’m having breakfast with Jess. What’s wrong?”

“Then come to the hospital, goddammit. Dad’s- Fuck. He’s not friggin’ okay, Sam. Something happened, and-”

Sam stared in the distance while he heard the words. Jessica seemed to notice that something was wrong, because she looked at him with a concern

“Who is that?” She whispered.

He didn’t answer and waited for Dean to say something else, but then he realised that his brother wasn’t there anymore.

Sam pulled the phone away from his ear and cursed as he stared at a black screen. Always the fucking batteries.

He quickly stood up and began hastily packing their stuff.

“Sam?! What’s wrong?”

“Dean. He said something happened to Dad.” He snapped, while he messily threw the leftover sandwiches in his bag.

“Shit! Sam… What happened?”

“He’d been drinking too much again last night. So now he’s unconscious again.” He explained, closing the bag. “You coming?”

“Of course I’m coming.” She jumped up from the picnic table and grabbed her bag.

She roughly pushed Sam forward as he slowly walked away. “Come on, dumbass! Hurry up! We gotta be there as soon as possible, before anything happens.”

 

***

 

Dean looked up when his brother stormed loudly into the room, followed by Jessica.

It had taken him half a fucking hour to get here.

Dean rose up from his chair, taking a deep breath before he started shouting.

“What the fuck, Sam? Where were you?! He could’ve been dead by now!” His words were spat out with the rapidity and ferocity of a machine gun fire.

“Oh, I’m sorry I have a _life_!” He replied. “I came here as soon as I could, and-“

“I don’t fucking care, Sam. You just should’ve been here! You should’ve stopped him from drinking that stuff.”

“It’s not _my_ damn fault that he drunk again, Dean. Everything’s on _him_.” Sam yelled back. “And you weren’t here either, so what’s exactly your point?”

Dean was breathing heavily now. His fuse simmered and fizzed like a firework in a chill winter breeze, then he exploded with unrestrained fury. How _dared_ he talk about him like that?

Then he casted his gaze upon Jess who was holding him back and muttered something to him with a soothing voice. She was fucking taking care of him. She was whispering some damn cute sweet words into his brother’s ear. It made Dean feel sick.

He walked back to his chair and pulled another beer out of the bag on the floor, the fourth in the past hour. He closed his eyes as the liquid filled his mouth, but opened them as he heard a huff from his brother.

“Yeah, you keep drinking. It’s gonna end your life sooner or later. You’re just like Dad.” Sam snarled.

“Sam!” Jessica hissed as she frowned at him.

“I am not like Dad!” Dean yelled, raising again and dangerously pounding towards Sam. “I am _not_ like HIM!”

Before he knew it, his fist was slamming onto his brother. He punched his jaw, his fist collided by all of his body weight.

The anger still boiling in it caused his head to spin. Jessica’s scream kept echoing through his ears, and his vision became blurry. He kept staring at the redness of his knuckles, and when he looked up again, he noticed he was alone in the room, except for his father.

 

***

 

“I am being very serious, Castiel.” She told him pervasively.

Castiel had been woken up by his stepmother, while Samandriel was still sleeping. They had talked about what had happened the day before, and Castiel had told her everything he had told his younger brother.

But instead of Samandriel’s alarmed and swift reaction, he got his Naomi’s indorsement and approval. She had pledged him that he had done the right thing, and told him she was proud of him, as he had expected.

“I think it would be best if you didn’t use your powers anymore.” Naomi added with an emphatic tone in her voice.

“But Father Metatron said-“

“He said you should listen to us. He said you should listen to _me_. So if I tell you not to use your gift anymore, you shouldn’t. When it’s really necessary, I will tell you. Do you understand, Castiel?”

Castiel blinked a few times before answering. Was this what he wanted? He was completely giving up on his freedom now.

Castiel knew he shouldn’t be hesitating like this. This is what he promised Father Metatron. This is what he had chosen for, and there was no way back now.

“Yes. I understand.”

“Good.” The smile she gave him was nothing like the one Sam or Jess had given him. Their smiles made him feel warm on the inside and they made him feel safe and loved. The one he got now was creepy and cold, almost predatory. But Castiel didn’t dare to not return it, so he weakly smiled back at her.

She seemed to be satisfied with it, because she turned around and moved towards Samandriel. “Now, let’s wake my sweet little angel.”

She gently tugged at his shoulder as she said his name. “Samandriel! Wake up, sweetheart. Your mother is here to see you.”

“Wha- Oh. Hi Mom. Whatcha doin’ here?” Samandriel replied, still being a little sleep-drunk.

“I just wanted to check on you, of course! How are you feeling?”

“I’m good. How are you doing?”

“Great! I’m doing great. I-“ She suddenly lifted her hand to her forehead and let out a moan. “Oh, I feel a horrible headache coming up.” Castiel held his breath as she immediately turned around and casted her gaze upon him. “Castiel? You can help me with that, right?” She asked, looking at him with raised eyebrows, obviously expecting a ‘yes’ coming out of his mouth .

“Do you want me to _help_ you?” Castiel repeated, frowning in confusion. Why did she expect this from him? He had just promised her not to use his powers anymore, only in case of emergency. And clearly this was not an emergency.

His mother slyly smirked, sending shivers through his body. “Yes. Help me. Now.”

“But- But you said I-“ He stammered with a soft voice, still not understanding the urgency of it. He quickly glanced at Samandriel, who was watching them with his eyes open wide, completely being awake right now.

“Castiel _.”_ He immediately focussed his attention back on her. _“_ This is a _pressing_ situation, so _help me._ ” She demanded, emphasizing the last two words.

This was _definitely_ _not_ a pressing situation. She was just _using_ him. Everyone was capable of handling a simple headache, and so was she. Besides,  a few minutes ago she was doing just fine, so it couldn’t be that bad. Using his powers for such a silly innocent thing just didn’t feel right to him.

“This does not feel good.” He admitted while lowering his gaze to the floor, avoiding the furious glance she threw at him.

“You can’t expect him to just do everything you say without questioning it!” Samandriel snapped, sitting a little bit straighter in his bed. “He’s got his own will, and-“

“ _Castiel.”_ Her voice sounded threatening.

Castiel panicked. He was breathing rapidly and hands were shaking. He stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do, until Naomi grabbed his hand and placed it roughly onto her forehead.

“ _Do it, Castiel._ ” She hissed angrily.

So Castiel did it.

 

***

 

Dean was sitting next to his dad. Even though everything had happened over half an hour ago, his hand still tinkled a little. He had gotten some beers after that, and he was about to reach for another one when Anna came in.

“Dean?” She asked softly, while walking towards him. When he didn’t react or even look up, she carefully continued. “Sam told me what happened. It’s not your fault, I hope you know that, but you shouldn’t have hit your brother. He just wanted to help-“

“Don’t want his fuckin’ help! Hell, I don’t even _need_ help. ‘M doing just fine.” He groaned with a rough voice.

“Dean… I-“

“Don’t you fucking _Dean_ me!” His words echoed through the room.

Anna did a step back and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. After a few seconds, she  crossed her arms and spoke up again. “I know you don’t want my help, but I’m sure you need it. I know you long enough to know that you’re stubborn as Hell.”

“I don’t fucking need anyone.”

Anna came closer now, carefully approaching him. “I know, Dean. But-“

 “No, you don’t get it!” Dean shouted, slamming his fist on the table. The bottle of beer wobbled dangerously. “I’ve been doing just fine by myself for years!”

“You’re solving your problems with alcohol, Dean! Sam told me _everything_. That’s not exactly ‘fine’, if you ask me.”

Dean huffed. “Yeah… Right.”

“Dean… Don’t get me wrong, but I think it would be good if you talked to a professional about-“

Dean “Don’t you fucking get it?! I don’t NEED help! I don’t need a damn therapist, I don’t need Sam, and I’m sure as hell don’t need you.”

“But I-“

“Get out.”

“Dean…” She whispered, as tears already started to fill her eyes.

“ _Get. Out_.”

When Anna had left, he was alone again. This is what he wanted. This is what he _deserved_.

He hated hurting other people, especially the ones that loved him, but otherwise they just wouldn’t shut up and leave him. Now he was alone, he couldn’t hurt anyone but himself.

The silence was unbroken, and the only sound that he heard was the gentle breathing of his father. He sat down next to him and stared at the closed eyes of the man.

“Hey Dad.” He smiled weakly when he grabbed his father’s hand. “I just wanted to say… I- I’m right here, okay?”

John didn’t react. His conscience  was slowly fading, and the words of his son didn’t come through anymore. He just lied there, gradually losing control of his own body.

After a while, Dean saw the vacant eyes of his father open a little bit. That was the point when he knew he was losing him.

“Dad…” He pleaded softly, while the tears stung in his eyes. “Please just wake up.”


	9. Any Day We'll All Be Swept Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing he was seeing was his dad. He was as still and lifeless as he had been the day before, but this time it was different.  
> This time he wasn’t breathing and his heartbeat had disappeared. This time he wasn’t alive and he wouldn’t wake up. This time his father was _really_ gone.

“But Jess… I-“

“No, Sam. You’re not going back there. At least not tonight.” Jessica said. He let out a sigh and dropped his head on his pillow in defeat.

After some of Sam’s complaining, he and Jessica had ended up in his bed. She had probably done everything she could to calm him down a little, but it didn’t really work. The only thing he could think of was his father. His probably  _dying_ father.

He turned his head to his right to look at Jessica, and she gave him a soft smile. “I know you want to see your father, but I think Dean needs some alone time with him.”

 _Dean._ That reminded him of his still aching jaw. Sam carefully clenched it a little, checking its state, and took in a sharp breath in as the stinging pain of it quickly shot up to the back of his neck.

“You okay?” She asked, voice filled with worry.

Sam swallowed before answering. “Mmyeah, I’m fine. It’s not that bad.”

“Okay, good. Try to relax a little, Sam. Everything is going to be okay.”

Sam didn’t  _want_  to relax. Dad was in a  _coma_ again. And this probably wasn’t going to be ‘okay’. It didn’t make any sense. So why would he relax? He should be in the hospital now, with his brother and his father. He was probably  _dying_.

If he wasn’t dead already.

Sam tensed again at the thought, and Jessica seemed to notice it.  

 “He will be fine, Sam. Just go to sleep.”

Sam sighed again and lifted his arm, slugging it over her shoulder and pulling her in. Jessica’s feet touched his bare leg, which caused him to jerk away.

“Dammit you’re cold, Jess!” He groaned.

“I’m sorry-“ Jess laughed as she shifted.

“Nah, it’s okay. I’ll keep you warm.” With that, Sam slung his long leg over Jessica’s and drew it against his own feet. Jessica cuddled into Sam’s heat and yawned, causing him to yawn as well, and even relax a little. Sam felt her leaning forward and she found his chin in the dark. Finally locating his lips, Jessica placed a soft kiss upon them.

“Goodnight, Jess.” He whispered against her lips while a small smile appeared on his face.

“Night, Sam. I love you.”

“I love you too.” And with a deep breath, that released all of his stresses and concerns, Sam slid into a well-deserved sleep.

 

***

 

Dean woke up in a complete dark bedroom. From his pounding head, the vomit taste in his mouth and the dehydrated feeling he figured he must have been drinking heavily last night. His throat felt like sandpaper, and it hurt to move. Luckily the curtains were still closed, because he was always adverse to bright light when he was hungover.

He wrapped himself up in a duvet, waves of nausea adding to his misery. His brain felt like it would swell beyond the capacity of his skull and now his dehydration was too obvious to ignore. When he got up to get some water, grabbing onto his nightstand with both hands to prevent himself to fall over, his head felt heavier than ever and he immediately sat back down on his bed. Some painkillers would really help right now. He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a few deep breaths to prepare himself to get up.

After a moment he opened his eyes again and he swung his bare feet to the carpet. When he slowly made his way to the bathroom, the phone on his nightstand pinged with message after message, worsening his headache.

He groaned, stumbling back to grab it, and his eyes widened as he saw he had 17 missed calls from his brother. He quickly opened the messages and held his breath when he read them.

_[ **Sammy** 11.47: dean?]_

_[ **Sammy** 11.16: dad passed away.]_

_[ **Sammy** 11:06: im sorry. are you okay? Im worried.]_

_[ **Sammy**  11.02: where the hell are you?]_

_[ **Sammy**  10.39: hes dying dean. just letting you know in case you care about him]_

_[ **Sammy** 10.29: theyre doing everything they can but it doesnt help]_

_[ **Sammy** 10.26: you there?]_

_[ **Sammy** 10.24: please its getting worse.]_

_[ **Sammy** 10.23: dean hurry up hes not doing well]_

_[ **Sammy** 10.19: come to the hospital. something bad happened to dad.]_

Dean forgot about everything and stepped into the Impala, immediately driving to the hospital.

The room was filled with people, but he ignored them all. He ignored Jessica and Anna, both crying. He ignored Sam, who was trying to comfort them.  He ignored the slender boy he recognized as Samandriel.  He even ignored the dark-haired man with the trenchcoat standing in the corner, looking at him with sad puppy eyes.

The only thing he was seeing was his dad. He was as still and lifeless as he had been the day before, but this time it was different.

This time he wasn’t breathing and his heartbeat had disappeared. This time he wasn’t alive and he wouldn’t wake up. This time his father was  _really_ gone.

 

***

 

**_At 11:14 in the morning on Friday, October 20 th, the Doctor pronounced John Winchester deceased. He hadn’t regained consciousness after his drinking. He had felt no pain._ **

**_Pain is for the living._ **

 

***

 

By the time Dean left the hospital, it was suppertime. He was carrying a box of his father’s personal items in his arms and his copies of all the paperwork. He didn’t remember filling most of it out. In fact, he was sure that someone else had done most of it, and had him sign his name. The doctor with the fancy beard who had stuck by his side most of the day, probably.

Tomorrow he’d have some funeral arrangements to make. Tonight… Tonight, he just wanted to get back into that bar and drown himself in Jack, though the idea of it made him loathe himself a bit more, hypocritical after what had taken his father’s life.

So he dropped his father’s stuff at his home, got a burger and some fries from a cheap fast food restaurant, and then drove to the first bar he came across. When he had parked his Baby and walked to the bar, he opened the door. Immediately the smell of alcohol and smoke filled his nose, and the loud music mixed with the jangle of voices and the laughter of a group of men was almost deafening. He wanted to walk directly to the bar and order a double scotch, but then his eyes fell on a familiar girl that was wiping the counters.

She seemed to be really focussed on her work, but when Dean stepped into her direction, she immediately looked up and huffed. “You here again?”

“Yeah. Needed some distraction. And it’s already working.” He said with his mouth curved up in a crooked smirk.

“Alriigghht. My mom’s at the bar if you wanna have something.” She said while she continued with her work.

“Sure. Thanks.” Dean wanted to walk away, but hesitated before turning around again. “So… When’s your shift done? Such a beautiful girl surely deserves some rest after her job. Or not exactly 'rest', of course.”

The girl looked up with grin on her face. “Oh, please. You're  _hitting_  on me, dude? I don’t swing that way, man. Sorry.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Dean could feel his face and neck turning red as he looked away and scraped his throat. He had fucked up again. Great.

He wanted to turn away, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Hey, it’s okay man. I’m Jo by the way. Wanna grab a beer with me? I think this damn counter is as clean as it can be.”

“Erm… Yeah, sure.“ He followed her and sat down, while she walked behind the bar.

“Mom!” Jo yelled as she threw the cloth in the sink behind the bar. “I’m grabbing a beer, I need a short break.”

“Fine. But you get fifteen minutes, nothing more.” A woman yelled back.

“So…” Jo started as she took the seat next to him and pressed a cold beer in his hands. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Dean. Dean Winchester.”

"Nice to meet you, Dean."

They talked about the music they liked, different types of cars, the food he loved, and some science-fiction movies. Dean hadn’t had so much fun in days. Jo was a great kid with an amazing sense of humor.

She also told him about her girlfriend. Her name was Charlie and she was obsessed with Star Trek and Harry Potter, and Jo said she and Dean would become besties as they would meet someday. They had met each other on Comic Con, and Dean had almost spit out his beer when Jo told him about how she had seduced Charlie while she was dressed as Captain America, and Charlie was cosplaying Amy Pond.

Jo kept talking and talking, and in the meantime Ellen had joined them. The three of them talked about different topics, and the fifteen minutes became a few hours. Dean was enjoying his time here, but suddenly someone new entered the bar. Someone familiar.  _Family_  familiar.

“Sammy? What are  _you_  doin’ here? Shouldn’t you be studying or something?” Dean teased as he took a sip of his third beer.

“Dean? Who’s that?” Sam asked suspiciously, looking at Jo.

“So  _this_  is the sasquatch you’ve been talking about. He’s definitely a hottie too.” She noted.

“Sam, meet the coolest damn girl  _alive._ This’s Jo Harvelle. She’s the daughter of the barkeeper, Ellen.”

Sam knitted his brows together and huffed. “Yeah, right. Hi Jo, Ellen, nice to meet you too.” Sam sat down next to his brother and grabbed his beer.

Dean looked at his brother. His cheeks were already had a rosy glow, and he had a silent half-grin on his face.

“I think you’ve had enough, Dean. But at least you’ve been having  _fun,_ so I’m not complaining.” He laughed as he took a sip of it.

“And ‘m sure you’ve had som’ too." Dean replied with a smirk. "Where’s Jess?”

“She went to bed early. I was just searchin' for you, I already guessed you wouldn't be home.” Sam murmured as he put down the empty beer bottle, and stood up from the chair. “But I gotta be home in ten, so I'm leavin'. And you’re going home as well, jerk.”

“Yeah. Fine, bitch.” Dean said as he rose as well and put on his jacket. “See you ‘round, Jo. Thanks Ellen, for the beers ‘nd stuff.”

“No problem, boy.” Ellen said while cleaning some shot glasses. “You and your brother be safe, okay?”

“Yeah, we will. Bye!” He yelled as he walked out of the bar, immediately surrounded by the cold refreshing air.

“So…” Sam started as they were both outside and the door was closed behind them. “How are you feeling?”

Dean knew Sam wanted to talk about what happened. He _hated_ those chick-flick moments, but he knew he had to face them one day, otherwise his brother wouldn’t shut up about it.

So he thought about the question. How _was_ he feeling? He didn’t really know, to be honest.

Back in the hospital he had been feeling like shit for sure. Anna had been there for him, she told him that it wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t blame himself, but it didn’t really help. Anna just didn’t know him, or his father. Why _wouldn’t_ he blame himself?

Before Anna went home, she told him she loved him, and she had kissed his cheek. And then she had left. She just left him, just like the others. When he was alone, he had immediately been searching for his bottle, or just any alcoholic drink at all, but after what had happened to his dad, the hospital was really strict about it. When he had finally found a beer in his dad’s bag, Sammy came in and caught him with it. He had told him to go home, or at least get out of this building. Dean liked that more than having to talk to his brother, so he immediately left.

But now he couldn’t escape it anymore.

“I- I don’t know, Sammy.” Dean said, voice already broken.

Damn. He had forgotten how fucking _hard_ this was. He didn’t know how he felt. How the hell was he supposed to know?

“Well, just take your time.” Sam said, while closing his jacket a little more. “Whatcha thinking right now, for example?”

“Sam, I don’t-“ He started, but Sam interrupted him.

“Look. I know you think it’s your fault, but it isn’t, okay? And talking to me doesn’t make you weak, or even any less _warrior_ than you are now, so it’s okay to talk to me. I’m here for you. That’s what brothers _do_ , Dean.”

“I should’ve been there for him. I should’ve taken care of him, and you, and- Of course it’s my damn fault. It’s-“ His voice broke even more when tears stung in his eyes.

Great. Now he was officially _weak._

“He just fucked up everything, Dean. That was _him,_ not you. And you’ve always been there for me, Dean. So please let me be here for you once. Just trust me.”

Dean trusted him, but that didn’t mean he had to show him how broken he was. He was just _poison._ He really didn’t want to open up right now, but his brother was looking at him with hopeful eyes. He was doing this for Sammy, not for himself. So Dean took a deep breath before he spoke up.

“I _know_ I’m just like him, you don’t even have to tell me that. That’s what makes it all worse. I’m just as bad as he is, and I just- I can’t be fixed anymore. I ruin everything that comes near me, and- I’m just _broken,_ Sam.“

“Dean, that’s _not_ true. You’re not broken, and you’re way better than he was. You take care of me, and you even took care of him when it was nearly impossible. You’ve done such a good job, Dean. Really. You’re more good than bad, and I’m proud of you for that.”

“But… Just no, Sam, I-“

“No, Dean. _You_ ‘just no’. You’re the best brother in the world, and nothing makes me think otherwise.” Sam said proudly, crossing his arms.

“I-“ Dean tried.

“Shush. Don’t.”

“You’re such a bitch, Sam.” Dean laughed, trying to casually drying his silent tears away in case Sam hadn’t noticed their presence yet.

“Come here, Dean.” Sam cooed as the boy spread his arms to hug his big brother.

“No fuck off.”

“Deanieee just one lil’ hug?” He teased, as he walked towards him.

“No, Sam. You-“

“Gotcha!” Sam yelled as he quickly jumped forward and wrapped his arms around his brother.

“Goddammit, Sam. Let the fuck go of me.” Dean laughed, trying to sound serious but failing miserably.

Sam smiled proudly as he let go of him and stepped back.

“But now I’m going home, if that’s okay with you. Otherwise they won’t let me in anymore, and I don’t like sleeping outside when it’s gonna rain.”

“Yeah, sure. Do what you want, bitch.” Dean said, smile still on his face.

“Bye, Dean. Take care. Jerk.”

“Yeah. You too.” He said before he walked to his Baby.

Even though his little brother had just turned seventeen, he could already be a damn psychologist. He had really changed after living with some of his friends, and not in a bad way. He had become so much more responsible. Dean smiled. He was proud of his little brother.

Dean stepped into his car, and even though he was alone again, he felt a lot better now. Talking to Sammy had been good. He softly hummed along with _Sharp Dressed Man_ as he drove home. It wasn't a long drive, but Dean had to park his car on the parking lot close to his house, so he still had to walk for a few minutes.

It had been raining really lightly before he left the bar, but it was already sprinkling now. Little droplets of water were drenching his jacket, and it became more and more soaked. The water droplets began growing larger and falling more frequently. The light ‘pitter patter’ sound of rain turned into a torrential downpour, and the coldness started seeping through his clothing, chilling his skin. The cold, icy drops didn’t pound or sting. Instead it alighted his face, running down to drip from his tightly clenched jaw, relieving him from the haziness he had gotten from the alcohol.

Just when he opened his front door and stepped inside, Dean heard  the soft noise of thunder in the background. He quickly stripped his clothes and put on one of his Led Zeppelin shirts, and jumped into his bed. The thunder was way closer now, and it seemed to crack the air, sending shivers through his spine.

As he laid down in his bed, Dean could hear the beat of the rain against the window. When he looked through the curtain of water that covered it he could see the dimmed lights of the street lanterns. On a clear night the light was annoying as hell, but now it was more of a reminder for him that he was inside, surrounded by the warmth and comfort of his bedroom. And that thought made him drift off almost immediately.

This had been one of the worst days of Dean’s life since his mother died and tore his world apart, drove his father off the deep end and left the snotnose little Sammy with a pre-schooler as a parental figure.

It’s one of the worst since Sammy walked away and left Dean with his father’s disgust and disappointment in him.

But now his father was dead, and Dean could’ve died while he was drunk driving, leaving Sam alone in this world with no family at all.

And yet, cocooned in his own bed, he slept soundly.


	10. Unyielding Crusade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without the distraction of the beautiful view he could detect the scent of the forest. The moist early autumn air was fragranced with the pine trees that circled the lake, growing so close that some of them had toppled and others dangled thick roots into the water. Castiel sighed and slowly opened his eyes again. 
> 
> This was definitely his favorite place. And normally it made him forget about everything that had happened in his life, so he could just _enjoy_ it. But now it didn’t.

Castiel squinted at the soft light of the rising sun that shone through the translucent curtain of the hospital room. He made a muffled noise as he turned his back to the light and closed his eyes again. He hadn’t slept yet, and that made him even more anxious. It wasn’t like he’d had a good night's sleep in the last couple of days, because of all the hassle with his brother, but now his thoughts were with something else.

All he could think of was what had happened yesterday.

_He and his sister were talking to Samandriel when the doctors told them that John Winchester was declared dead. Anna immediately stormed out of the room, heading to John and his sons. And even though Castiel had no real connection with him, he still didn’t hesitate to go too. He didn’t care about the man himself, but he wanted to be there for the others. He wanted to be there for Sam. And for Dean._

_But once he entered the room, he only saw Sam sitting in a chair in the corner. His big hands hang limply on his knees, and he was holding a cell phone in one of them. His eyes were red and focussed at the ground, and his face was wet with tears._

_It seemed like the boy's sadness lay like dirty snow over every other emotion. It seemed like Sam’s bright spirit was now greyed and darkened, and that it tainted all that could have brought him joy and relief._

_The moment Sam looked up and noticed there were other people in the room, his lips stretched into a weak smile, but it didn’t really reach his dark eyes. Castiel immediately saw that they were lit with sadness, and the forced expression of the contrary on his mouth would probably have looked comical to him if the sight of it didn’t make his heart so heavy._

_Sam’s once so bright laugh had become hollow and sad, and the smile that had been so quick to light his face was probably only a mask to protect himself from well-meaning questions._

_For a few seconds Castiel was staring at him, trying to give the boy a reassuring smile back, trying to tell him that it would all be okay sometime. But thinking about it now made him realise that his smile would probably have mirrored Sam's._

Castiel swallowed. Seeing his friend like this had made him sad, and even thinking about it now made his stomach turn.

His thoughts continued.

_As soon as Jessica entered the room and immediately hugged the boy, she and Sam were inseparable. It even seemed like Jessica needed more comfort than he did, but at least Sam looked a little better now his girlfriend was there with him. Sam needed Jessica, and she was there._

_Then Castiel turned his head too look at Anna. She was standing at the window, and as soon as Castiel noticed she was crying too, he walked over to her. He put his hand on her shoulder and tried to tell her to do something distracting or get something to drink. But she refused and told him that she didn’t want to leave until she knew Dean was okay._

_Even Samandriel came in after a while, and once he saw his older sister, still standing at the window and probably still crying, he slowly rolled his wheelchair towards her so that he could calm her down. Luckily Samandriel proved to be a better person to do that.  Anna was just really quiet after that, but at least she wasn’t sobbing anymore._

_They all were there at that moment, and everyone was comforting each other. Sam was there together with Jessica, and Anna was there with Samandriel._

_But no Dean._

Castiel opened his eyes again. He had been so worried yesterday. Everyone there had needed each other, and he was sure Dean needed someone too. When your father is dead it’s normal that you need someone, right? At least it’s normal that you directly go see him after the bad news.

But Dean hadn’t been there, and no one knew where Dean was. The man hadn’t even picked up his phone or answered the messages Sam had sent him. And that had made Castiel even more scared. He had been scared that something had happened to him.

And he had thought that he would be happy to see Dean again. But it all became _worse_ when he had entered the room.

Dean hadn’t even _looked_ at him.

Castiel swallowed and quickly rose from his chair, rubbing his eyes. He shouldn’t be thinking about Dean. He didn’t even _know_ him yet. What was _wrong_ with him?

He just needed some distraction. He should go outside or something like that.

Castiel quickly glanced at the clock on the wall. Half past six. Now was a good time to go for a short walk.

He smiled softly as the golden light that made his way through the curtain caught his attention again. It would be a beautiful day today. The lake would be a wonderful place to go now. In the summer it was always a crowded mess, consisting of way too many people and yelling children, but now, on a cold autumn morning, it would definitely be a quiet and peaceful place to go. Just perfect. Castiel grabbed his trenchcoat and carefully left the room and gently closed the door behind him, not wanting to wake his still sleeping little brother.

On his way to his destination he softly hummed The Battle Hymn of the Republic. It always calmed him down, and in combination with the soothing cold air that touched his face it was even more effective. And when he reached the lake, and was looking out over the water, he was still humming the song.

The water mirrored the sky above, both of them the kind of blue that colors the unbelievable bright tourist brochures. Castiel closed his eyes and took a slow, deep breath. The breeze that ran unchecked over the rippled surface brought color to his usually pale cheeks, and blew softly through his rugged black hair, sending gentle shivers through his spine.

Without the distraction of the beautiful view he could detect the scent of the forest. The moist early autumn air was fragranced with the pine trees that circled the lake, growing so close that some of them had toppled and others dangled thick roots into the water. Castiel sighed and slowly opened his eyes again.

This was definitely his favorite place. And normally it made him forget about everything that had happened in his life, so he could just _enjoy_ it. But now it didn’t.

 _Was_ he enjoying his life? What would his life be like if he didn’t have his powers? Would he be happier? Would he be dead? Would he just not exist? These questions caused his thoughts to slowly return again, pulling him back into his train of thought again.

Was Samandriel enjoying his life? Was Sam enjoying his life? Was _Dean_ enjoying his life?

Was Dean _still_ enjoying his life? Or was it entirely destroyed by the death of his father? Why hadn’t Dean just accepted the help they had offered?

Sam had told Castiel about his brother. About how stubborn and senseless he could be when he was sad. So Castiel had expected Dean to be angry when he saw his dead father. He had expected him to yell at everyone, to throw with chairs and glass bottles, to slam with the doors and to leave the room. But to his surprise, none of these things had happened.

Instead, the man had been staring at his father with half-closed eyes, while clenching his fists. Dean hadn’t said anything, but yet he had said enough. Silence meant something too.

And then tears had begun to spill from Dean’s helpless eyes. They soaked the dark green carpet of the hospital room, and Castiel’s heart filled itself with cruel emptiness. He couldn’t really help Dean anymore.

A shear of nothingness somehow took over Castiel’s body and it gave him an unbearable heavy feeling. It was like there was a hole in his heart, and it made him feel the need to wipe away any the non-existent tears that he wanted to form but just couldn’t.

It wasn’t _his_ dad who had been laying there. It was Sam’s. And _Dean’s._ If he cried, it would be weird.

But while Sam was showing his sadness and grief all the time, and he was comforting Jess while being comforted by her, Dean had been trying so hard to hold everything back. He probably wanted to show everyone that he wasn’t crying, and that he wasn’t sad or even _caring_. He wanted to remain _strong_. That’s something that Castiel could understand.

But what he didn’t understand is that it almost seemed like Dean didn’t even _want_ help.

When you need someone, it’s  quite nice to have someone around you who comforts you and helps you through your pain and grief, right? Then why wasn’t Dean open? Why didn’t he let him come close? Castiel had been waiting for him, and he still was _there_ for him. He had wanted to help Dean. But Dean didn’t _want_ help. Even when Castiel had been right there.

And then a new thought slammed in like a thunderclap.

What if Dean just didn’t want _his_ help? What if it was _him_? What if Dean just didn’t want _him?_

 _He’s just like everyone else._ Sounded through his head. _He doesn’t like you._

No one liked him. They only needed Castiel for his powers, that was all. No one loved him. These painful thoughts pounded in his brain, and now he _did_ feel tears prickling in his eyes. The awful feeling of rejection flowed through his veins, but Castiel quickly wiped away any escaped tears.

It was okay _._ Everything was okay. Castiel didn’t _need_ love. He was only here to _help._ He just _had_ to help those who needed it. He’d always done it so far, and now someone didn’t want his help. But Dean was definitely someone who _needed_ it.

He wanted to help Dean so badly, Castiel just _needed_ to. Castiel was going to help him. Even if he didn’t want it.

The cold emptiness in Castiel’s chest was being replaced by a warm and comfortable feeling. He was there for Dean. And he’d always be there for him. Castiel could even _talk_ to Dean today. He could just tell him that he was here if he ever needed him.

He quickly glanced at his watch. It was already half past eight. He could use some coffee right now. He took one last deep breath, but nearly choked on the air as a familiar face was a just a bit too close to his own when he turned around.

 

***

 

He carefully grabbed the door knob of Samandriel’s room, so that he wouldn’t wake him up if the boy was still sleeping. He held his breath as he slowly opened the door, and soundlessly took his first step inside. Hell, he could even be a ninja if he lost his job as mechanic.

He quickly darted his eyes up to the bed, and noticed that Samandriel was still sleeping in it.

He sighed. This was a bad idea anyway. Especially _now._

 He turned around and wanted to reach out for the door, so that he could sneak his way out of the room again, but he stopped as he heard the creaking of a bed and a yawn behind him.

“Hello? Who’s there?” The voice asked.

He quickly turned around as he closed the door behind him. “Uh… Hey? Samandriel? You awake?”

“Yeah, of course I am.” The boy said as he straightened his back and sleepily rubbed his eyes. “But… Dean? Is that you?”

Dean raised his eyebrows as he realised Samandriel recognized his name. “Well, yeah…” He mumbled as he awkwardly scratched the back of his head. “How come you already know my name?”

Samandriel huffed. “Anna told me about you. She’s my sister, you know? It’d be weird if I didn’t know the name of her boyfriend.”

Dean froze at that last word. _Boyfriend?_

Anna was beautiful, and smart, and she was definitely a good person but- _Girlfriend_? As in, tied together and stuck in the same loop of boringness all the time? Was this what he wanted? Was this what he _needed?_

He hadn’t really thought about it yet. He didn’t _need_ this, did he? Sam had always been complaining about him getting himself a girlfriend, or at least someone to talk to, but that was just bullshit. No, he didn’t need this. He didn’t need anyone. He was doing _fine_ on his own. Just getting some occasional hot sex here and there, no worries, no problems, no big deal.

But really, a girlfriend? A partner? Was this really what he _wanted_? To be together with her forever, and share feelings and emotions with her, to talk with her about everything, and have no secrets for each other and- Fuck no. He didn’t want this.

But Samandriel just called him Anna’s _boyfriend_. What did that mean?

Well, fuck. Of course this meant Anna already saw him as her boyfriend. She’d probably told her whole family about him, and- Ugh. Only the word almost made him want to throw up. _Boyfriend._

“Dean? Is something wrong?”

Dean almost flinched at the sudden question. God, that almost scared him. “No… Nothing’s wrong, it’s just- Nothing. I’ll leave, I’m sorry I woke you.” He stuttered as he slowly made his way back to the door.

“No, Dean. I just wanna know why you were here in the first place.” Samandriel said, voice filled with annoyance.

“I- I dunno. I guess I wanted to…“ He started.

Yeah, exactly. What the hell was even he doing here? Shouldn’t he be planning a funeral or something?

Why would Samandriel even tell him? He probably wasn’t interested in him and his stupid problems or worry. He’d obviously tell Dean that it wasn’t his business, and to fuck off or something. This was such a bad idea.

“Yeah, go on. I’m listening.” Samandriel said, voice softer now.

Dean looked up from the ground as he realised he had been staring again. Samandriel was watching him with a concerned look, the same look Castiel had given him when he first met him.

“Dean… Just tell me, what’s wrong?”

Goddammit, just look at him with his fucking expecting eyes, already filled with hope and all. Dean sighed.

“I just wanted to talk to you for a second.” He admitted. Samandriel stared at him for a few seconds, probably trying to figure out what was wrong. After a short break filled with silence, Samandriel spoke again

“Dean? Is this about Anna?”

Fuck this guy was good. He hadn’t even said anything yet. Maybe this boy was even better than Sammy. Fucking mind readers. But luckily this wasn’t why he was here.

“Nah, of course not. Everything’s fine with Anna.” He lied. “His is about Cas. I’m kinda worried about him, cause h- What the fuck is so funny?” Dean growled as Samandriel burst out in laughter.

“You- Did he ask you to call him that, or…?” He laughed. “Come on! _Cas_? Seriously?”

Dean felt the tips of his ears coloring red. He already fucked up. This wasn’t gonna end well.

“Ow, yeah- Uhm… Shut up.” He cleared his throat. “But I- Is he okay? I mean, he looked kinda sad yesterday, and you didn’t even bother to ask him about it or something.”

“Well, he’s always being so distant, and I’ve kind of given up to ask him about it.” Samandriel admitted. “But why do you ask?”

“Oh, uhm… He just seems like a good dude to me, so I think he deserves to be happy, you know?”

“So… Why don’t you just go ask him yourself? I think he’ll be back soon, so you two can have lunch together or something.” Samandriel suggested.

“Yeah. Okay, cool. Thanks, I guess.” Dean said awkwardly.

“No problem. Now I’m gonna call the doctor to come and check on me, so if you-“

“Yeah. Okay, I get it. See you later, Samandriel.” He mumbled, and hesitated before walking out of the room, leaving Samandriel alone.

He directly walked to the canteen to get some breakfast. Alone. And he was going to get lunch on his own as well. He wasn’t gonna fucking ask _Cas._ He didn’t even know him yet, for god’s sake. He had to get to know him first. But that didn’t necessarily mean _today_ , right?

But it could always happen. By accident, of course.

 

***

 

“Sam, this is Meg.” Jessica said as the other nurse offered him a handshake. “Meg, this is Sam. My boyfriend.”

“I figured.” She said with an icy smile on her face, matching the cold and slender hand that gripped his own. “Very nice to meet you, Sam.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Sam said slowly as he let go of her hand and picked up his warm paper cup of coffee.

“So…” Meg started as she grabbed her own cup as well. “You two already fucking?” She asked with a broad smile on her face.

Sam nearly choked on his coffee, and that caused him to spill almost half of the cup on the table.

“Oh, come on, Meg. How old are you exactly?” Jess said angrily.

“How old is _he_ exactly? Fourteen?”

“I’m _eighteen,_ thanks for asking.” Sam snarled, while Meg only seemed to enjoy it more and more.

“You want me to get you another coffee, Sam?” Jessica asked calmly while she got up from her chair.

She was wearing her red lipstick again. Man, he _loved_ that color. He always wanted to just reach out and touch her lips, full and glossy even in the fading light of the evening.  

“Uhh.. Yeah, please.” He murmured, and she nodded before she walked to the hospital kitchen, probably getting a towel or something.

She wasreally beautiful. Her curly blonde hair was loose now, falling in soft layers around her shoulders. It was so long and smooth and silky, and almost as if it was tailored from gold fabric.

And there was something that made her even more beautiful. The little things she did. Like there was a soft shyness to her, but just not too much. The way her soft voice calmed him when they were alone, and even the little hesitated movements she made when she was walking away like this made his heart skip a beat.

Her white coat covered a large part of her body, but Sam could already see her in a jeans and a t-shirt, just sitting on the couch, on _their_ couch, painting her nails or watching TV. He was going to be so _happy_ with her. And he was going to make _her_ happy too.

“So… Sam.” Meg continued, as soon as she was out of sight. “You still at school?”

 “Yeah...” He said absently before he woke up from his thoughts. “I mean- Wait, of course I am! Why do you ask?”

“I’ve always wondered if kids of alcoholics could even _be_ smart.” She said, before taking another sip of her coffee.

“Yeah, here I am. You done with the interview now?”

 “Well, no. I have some other questions for you.” She hissed. “How’d your daddy get his alcoholic pleasures?”

“Ehmm… I guess he sneaked it in or something?”

“While he was in _hospital?_ That’s quite weird, isn’t it?” She said calmly while the same cold smile appeared on her face.

“I dunno, why should _I_ know?”

“You’d almost think someone _helped_ him with it, right?”

“That’s- That’s ridiculous. Who’d do such a thing?”

“Well, your _girlfriend_ over there was in your daddy’s room most of the time.”

“Jess would never do such a thing! What kind of friend are you?!” Sam yelled as he rose from his chair.

“Oh yeah? I’ve known her longer than you do. How long do you even know her, Sammy?

“It’s _Sam_.” He groaned as he sat down again. The angry looks that the other visitors were throwing him probably wouldn’t disappear if he kept yelling like that. “And could you mind your own damn business, _Meg_?”

“Oh, is she bullying you again, Sam?” A familiar voice said as she placed a new cup of coffee in front of him. “Don’t even listen to it. She likes to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Thanks Jess.” Sam hesitated before glancing at Meg again. She gave him a crooked grin as Jessica sat down again, before she quickly took the last sip of her own coffee.

“Okay, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone, I’m gonna continue my work.” Meg said as she threw away her cup.

“You two have fun, okay? I’m sure there’s still enough to discuss.” She said as she winked at Sam, before walking out of the canteen.

“Is something wrong, Sam?” Jessica asked softly. “Did something happen when I was gone?”

“No.” Sam answered a little too quickly. “Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“If there _is_ something you could always tell me, okay?”

“Yeah. But there’s nothing wrong, Jess. Really.” He said as he nervously took another quick sip of his coffee.

“I love you, Sam. You know that, right?” She told him, while gently stroking his hand with hers.

“Yeah, I know. I love you too.”

“Good.” Jess said as she softly squished his hand, before grabbing her own cup again.

 

***

 

“Castiel…” The woman breathed before grabbing his shoulder. Castiel flinched at the sudden movement too close to his face.

“M-mother? What are you doing here?” Castiel asked doubtfully, not looking away from the hand on his shoulder.

 “I- I need your help. Or actually, your… _brothers_ need your help.”

“How- How can I help?” He said confidently, slowly tugging his shoulder out of her now painful grip.

“Michael and Lucifer… They- They were out last night, and it appeared that they have been… that they had a little _misunderstanding_ when they were together at a bar. And someone called the police, and those idiots are keeping them locked up now.”

“I- I don’t understand how I can mean something to them right now… I-“

What was she expecting? He couldn’t _heal_ them or something. This needed something more… _strong._ Something he hadn’t done for a long time. Something he still regretted doing at that time.

“I know you can do _other_ things with your powers, Castiel. Father Metatron told me everything you told him, remember?”

Castiel held his breath. He had told Metatron _everything_. So that meant that she knew everything too. She knew everything he could do with his gift, she knew what he was capable of, she just knew _everything._ This couldn’t be good, this couldn’t-

And then Castiel realised what she wanted him to do.

 “Do you want me to make them lose their consciousness?”

She couldn’t be asking this from him, could she? He didn’t even know if he was still able to do it, and he wasn’t even sure if he _wanted_ to do it.

Naomi slowly nodded with a soft smile on her face, and Castiel swallowed. So she _was_ being serious.

“How are you able to ask that from me? It is the police, mother. They only do what is good for the state and-“

“I may ask _everything_ from you, Castiel. I am your _mother_ and you _promised_ me.” She hissed.

“But mother, I-“

“Castiel!” Naomi yelled, causing him to flinch again.

“But Samandriel told me that I should not always listen to-“

“Samandriel is young and has yet much to learn. You on the other hand are already a grown man. You are an adult, you are smart and wise and that’s why you must be able to ma-“ Naomi stopped abruptly and looked to the ground.

“To make my own choices? Is that what you wanted to say?” Castiel hissed, almost _angrily_.

He nearly scared himself with the emotion that had filled the words he just said.

“No, I-“ She started, but Castiel was _really_ done right now.

“I am certain it _was,_ mother. And I just made my choice. I am _not_ going to help my brothers when they are in a situation they created themselves. I am _not_ going to possibly harm people because of them, and _certainly_ not if it is all their own fault. So my answer is _no_.”

“Castiel, I do _not_ wish you talk to me like that, do you hear me?”

“I’m not a child anymore, mother. I have grown up too, and you have said it yourself.” He snapped back.

Naomi just stared at him, probably thinking of a good response, but the words just didn’t come.

“Now, if you excuse me.” Castiel continued, almost with a smirk on his face. “I have to meet someone who _does_ need my help.”

 _Dean._ He thought. _I am going to help Dean._

And then walked away, leaving his mother completely stunned and astounded because of his outburst.

Castiel didn’t know if he should be proud of himself after what he had done.

He had said something _back_ to his mother.


	11. Underground Religion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know how you are feeling.” Castiel said. Dean leaped to his feet and glared at him.  
> “You don’t know how I’m feeling!” He shouted. “You don’t know what it’s like being hit over and over until you’re so numb you don’t feel anything!” Dean paused for a second to catch his breath, before he went on. “When Dad was drunk he turned into a monster, and afterward he pretended nothing had happened.”  
> Castiel nodded slowly. “Actually, I _do_ know what that is like.”

This bar wasn’t like the last one he had visited. This one didn’t have that cozy or warm feeling he had expected, but that was probably because it was still _morning_. Dean could hit himself in the face for getting a drink before the day had even really started, but yeah, here he was. He really needed it right now.

He had tried to make the first appointments for the funeral, but everything just became a little too much. His father, his fucking _dead_ father, Anna, his ‘girlfriend’ _,_ Samandriel, the boy whose life he fucked up and who was still nice to him, Cas, the man who…

Shit. He shouldn’t be thinking about all this. He should focus on the here and now. Dean took a deep breath, welcoming the strong mixture of smoke and alcohol in his lungs.

The bar was filled with people, probably all of them with ruined lives and no future. Dean wasn’t one of _them_. Dean was just an innocent-looking twenty-one year old mechanic, trying his best to do good and to take care of the ones he loved.

Even though he didn’t really fit in there, there had been a little fight in the bar after Dean had a few beers. And _maybe_ he had been involved. But yeah, what did you expect in such a place, filled with men and alcohol?

He didn’t know who had thrown the first punch, but suddenly Dean’s fist was slamming into a strange face while someone else’s sunk into his stomach. They stumbled apart for a brief moment to catch their breaths before driving back at each other, eyes narrowed in determination.

The loud shouting of the others was muffled by the ringing in his ears as the man threw his body weight behind the fist that edged closer to Dean’s face.

“Son of a-“ He snarled, before it hit his jaw with such force that a metallic taste pooled into his mouth and pain erupted from the point of impact. His blood hummed in his veins as determination and anger took over. With his own two hands Dean grasped the other man’s head and slammed his knee cap up to his nose. After a blunt crack he released the dark haired head.

The man looked up wildly and drew his fist back again. Anger was bursting from his eyes, crimson was leaking from both his nostrils, and his nose was twisted right. Dean easily dodged the man’s fist and came up with his own. For a brief instant the dark brown eyes widened before the man managed to tilt his head back and slam it into his. Stars burst in his already foggy vision, but he shook it off, blindly throwing a sloppy kick.

The man stepped back, easily evading the kick. “Is that all you got, brother?” He shouted, smirking infuriatingly at him. The others seemed to like their fight, because they were all applauding, shouting and laughing now.

Dean growled and wanted to throw himself back at the man, but someone grabbed him from behind and pulled him back. “Calm the fuck down, kid!” The man behind him snarled with a rough voice. “The hell’s going on here?”

Dean quickly turned around and was facing the bearded man now. He was wearing an old baseball cap, and there were big bags under his eyes. “He… I- The fucking bastard was talkin’ shit ‘bout me, and-“ He breathed as he looked at the guy again.

The man’s face was covered in blood and a few bruises were already visible on his face, but Dean didn’t even feel sorry for it. That fucker deserved every single one of them.

“Ya two idjits go do that shit somewhere else. I ain’t playin’ the judge here.” And with that, their little party was over.

Dean had just wanted to have something to drink. Nothing special, nothing to worry about, no big deal. But here he was, standing outside, in the damn _rain_ , feeling even worse than before.

And the other man was with him.

Now Dean could see his face clearly. His mangled lip and obviously broken nose were caked in dried blood, congealed and cracked. Everything Dean had caused looked very painful. He almost felt guilty. _Almost_.

Then he reminded himself of the pain that throbbed through his own guts. It was deep and warm, but not in a nice way. It felt like someone had his hand in there and was squeezing his organs either gently or as hard as they could. When it waned Dean was able to move freely, but when it returned he could only hold still and breathe slow and deep until it had passed.

But still, the man looked terrible. Dean had gone a little too far. He tried not to stare at the man’s face, but the bloody mess that had been a perfectly ordinary nose only a few minutes ago looked so horrible.

The man kept looking at him like a bulldog with lazy eyes. He wasn’t showing any more signs of anger, but he didn’t look scared either. The man almost seemed to be _worried_ about him.

But then he started laughing. What the fuck was his problem?

“You gonna stand there and watch me all day or do you want an apology or something?” Then Dean realised he had been staring. For way too long.

Dean cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. “Yeah… Well, _I_ should be sorry, I guess. I shouldn’t have attacked you.”

The man shrugged as he gave him a crooked smile. “Nah, it’s fine. I started it. The name’s Benny, by the way.”

“Oh. Okay cool. I’m Dean.” He mumbled as he rubbed his jaw and looked around.

Why the hell was he even telling that man his name? He should get home and wipe the blood off his face before he continued to arrange the funeral. And he had to make sure nobody saw him like this. Not even Sammy. _Especially_ not Sammy.

Actually, he shouldn’t be talking at all. He didn’t exactly want to have some sort of tea party with the dude who just had beaten him up.

And luckily Benny seemed to notice it. “But I think you gotta get home, brother. Clean yourself up and get some sleep or somethin’.”

Dean sighed in relief. “Yeah, okay. You too, man. See you around sometime.”

“Better not. I don’t really wanna fight with you again. I’m not ready for another broken nose.”

Dean snorted. “Sorry about that. You didn’t deserve it. But… we’re cool, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” Benny smiled again. There was a short silence, before he spoke up again. “Now, go the hell home. I don’t wanna look at the bruises I caused for any longer.”

“Okay, okay.” Dean laughed as he turned around and started to walk away. “Bye Benny. Thanks for not making a big deal about it.” He said over his shoulder.

“You’re welcome, Dean. See you around.”

 

***

 

The sun was shining with a cherry yellow radiance onto the path, and a cow lowed contently as Castiel made his way back to the city.

The footpath meandered through the forest, weaving its way through the strong scent of the pine trees. Hoof-prints and footprints were trodden into the overused dirt path that seemed to continue forever, each muddy print unlocking a memory of days gone by.

But the closer he got to the city, the cloudier and colder it became. And as soon as Castiel could already see the church in the distance the sun had completely disappeared, but it was still a beautiful sight. Even under the grey sky this area was serene and lovely.

When Castiel was about five minutes away from his home, his eyes fell on a man in the distance.

He was stumbling forward and looking at the ground. This was just like the time when he met Dean. Castiel swallowed. The man walked liked Dean. He wore the same jacket as Dean and- He just looked like Dean. But this… This couldn’t be _him,_ right?

Castiel slowly walked towards the man, but froze as soon as he saw the face that was covered in dried blood. “D-Dean?” He muttered quietly, probably not even audible.

The man nearly fell over when he looked up at him, and Castiel vaguely recognized the wary eyes that were staring at him.

“Dean! What are you doing?” He carefully said as he slowly moved even closer to him. Now Castiel could see that the face was covered in bruises and that his split lip was still bleeding. He felt his heart ache as worry started to grow in his chest. “What happened?”

“Oh. Hey, Cas.” Dean said softly. “I- I had a little fight, but I’m fine. I-“

Castiel frowned. “You don’t _look_ fine, Dean. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

“Geez, no! It isn’t that bad, okay? I was going home, actually. I have som’ important things to do, and-“ Dean hissed and quickly grabbed Castiel’s shoulder. “Son of a-“

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Dean snorted. “Kinda. I’ve had worse but this shit still fucking hurts, man.”

Of course Castiel could heal him. He could take away every little thing that bothered Dean. But Castiel didn’t know if he should really use his powers once more. Especially now Father Metatron had told him not to do it anymore. And Castiel had even _promised_ him not to. But still… This wouldn’t be such a big deal, right? It was just a one off, nothing more.

And this was his big opportunity. He could show Dean what he was capable of. He could be there for him. He could help him while nobody else could. That would make him a more special person. And maybe even a little more special to Dean.

He had to show him first, and then explain everything to him. Then Dean would like him more, and they would be friends, and-

Yes, it was definitely worth the risk.

So Castiel took a deep breath, and spoke up. “Do you-“ He swallowed. “Do you want me to help you?”

Dean’s gaze quickly met Castiel’s, and his eyes almost seemed to be filled with _fear_. “No! Fuck no! Cas, I-”

Castiel held his breath. Of course he understood that Dean wasn’t used to accept help. But why didn’t he even think about it first? He bluntly said no, without even knowing what Castiel meant. He didn’t even know what kind of help Castiel was offering. And maybe he didn’t know how easy it was.

“Why not?” Castiel asked, tilting his head slightly to the left. “I can help you with all of it within _seconds_ , Dean. Do you even know how-”

Dean stepped back and nearly tripped over his own feet. “No! I don’t think- I know you mean it well but... Maybe something bad will happen or something like that.”

Then Castiel understood. Dean just didn’t trust him. _Yet_. He was sure that Dean eventually would, but of course it would take some time. So they just had to spend some time _together_. Castiel swallowed.

That meant being _social_. What could go wrong, right? Oh, wait. Dean could freak out completely when Castiel told him about his gift. Dean could yell at him and call him _weird_ or a _freak_. Dean could ruin his friendship with Sam and Jessica. Dean could tell Father Metatron about it.

Castiel sighed. Maybe he should just let it rest. For now.

But not helping Dean with his powers didn’t necessarily mean not helping Dean at all. He could help Dean with cleaning the wounds, or he could just get him something to drink, or- Castiel was sure that he could be _useful_. “At least let me take you home then.” He said as he stepped closer, offering Dean his shoulder.

“Fine.” Dean grunted, and he put his arm around Castiel. Castiel smiled as he felt the heat that burned through Dean’s leather jacket and his trench coat warming up his cold neck.

 

***

 

On each arm there were great purple welts that would probably deepen over the coming week. Castiel sighed as he reached for the washing cloth again.

Dean hissed as Castiel touched the wounds. Castiel felt sorry for him, but this was the only way to avoid infection.

Dean winced as the water penetrated the cells that were lying open and raw, but should have been protected by smooth skin, _freckled_ skin.

After he was all patched up, they both decided to go visit Samandriel. Castiel didn’t really know why Dean would want to see him too, but he wasn’t complaining. He wanted to be with Dean as long as possible. In that way Dean would trust Castiel more and more, so that Castiel had _another_ friend.

Castiel knew it would only take a few minutes for them to get to the hospital. So Castiel decided to lengthen it a little more. But as soon as they entered the park, Dean noticed that something was wrong.

“Whoa, Cas! Where the hell are you going, man? This is the friggin _park_!” He said. “You aren’t gonna bring me to a nut house, are you?”

Castiel smiled. “Of course not. I just really like the route through the park.”

There was a short silence after that, and Castiel enjoyed the nature around him, until Dean suddenly huffed.

“What is it?” Castiel asked, smiling naively.

“Dude. You’re _humming_.”

Castiel felt his cheeks turn red as he realised it. And of course it had to be that Battle Hymn again. Stupid song.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Nah, it’s okay. Doesn’t really bother me.”

As soon as he noticed that there had been an awkward silence again, Castiel scraped his throat. “Erm… Dean?” He swallowed. This was a hard subject to talk about.

“Hmm?”

“This is the second time I caught you _drunk_ , so I- I think we should really talk about your drinking habits sometime.”

Dean sighed. “Cas, it’s nothing. It’s just a hard time for me, and-“

“No, Dean. That’s no excuse.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Dean said, voice filled with annoyance.

“Do you even realise how dangerous alcohol can be?” Castiel snapped as he grabbed Dean by his shoulder, causing him to wince. “Do you know it could _kill_ you, Dean?”

Dean didn’t give a sound as he pulled away from his grip. Castiel looked at him, but Dean had dropped his gaze and was staring at the ground now.

“Dean?” He asked carefully, but Dean didn’t respond.

Did he do something wrong? Did he _say_ something wrong? He shouldn’t have reacted so angrily. He shouldn’t-

And then he realised it. He _did_ say something wrong. He had done the worst that he could have done. He just brought up the death of Dean’s _father_.

 _Good job, Castiel._ He thought. _You completely ruined this._

“Who do you even thinkyou are to say something like that?” Dean growled after a few seconds. “You don’t know me. You don’t know my father, and you don’t have the _right_ to talk about my problems.”

“Dean, I-“ Castiel mumbled, avoiding Dean’s gaze.

“Don’t you _Dean_ me. Just shut up if you don’t have anything to say.”

“I didn’t mean to, I-“ He stumbled. “I’m sorry, Dean. I just want to help you.”

Dean clenched his jaw. “I don’t need your fucking help.”

Castiel took a deep breath to calm himself a down a little. Maybe he could fix this. “I don’t want you to die of something that’s easily avoidable, Dean.”

“I’m not afraid of dying.” Dean boasted.

Oh. Dean wanted to be the macho one.

Castiel smiled slightly. “I know you aren’t, Dean. But that doesn’t mean you should drink away your pain. It’s not good for you.”

“I’ve been through so much crap already! I didn’t ask for all of this, it’s just not fair!”

“Dean, I think you should stop blaming someone for your problems.”

“So you think this all is my fault?” Dean snapped back, clenching his fists.

“No, of course not.” Castiel said calmly when he continued walking. “I think the world isn’t always a fair place. The sooner you realise that, the sooner you can get on with your life.”

“So does that mean that I should blame the _world_ for everything?” Dean asked.

Castiel shrugged. “It means you need to make up your mind if you want to change.”

 

***

 

 “Why the fuck would I want to change?” He snarled.

“Well, are you happy with your life now?” Castiel replied calmly.

Jesus, Castiel sounded like some sort of psychiatrist. Dean didn’t ask for all this bullshit hidden in vague words that didn’t mean anything. Why was Castiel even helping him? Why would anyone care about him?

Nobody cared about him. Nobody understood him. Nobody knew what it had been like living with a father who wished he wasn’t alive. And it angered Dean when people pretended they did.

“Not exactly.” He admitted.

“And what do you mean by that?”

Dean sighed. “I don’t know, man. Why do you even care?”

“Let me try again. Tell me exactly what it is you don’t like about your life.”

Dean laughed sarcastically. “Any moron can figure that out.” He grumped, turning his back on Castiel.

“Okay. Explain it to this moron, then.” Castiel said as he sat down on a park bench.

“You don’t get it, do you? My parents are _dead._ I wouldn’t even remember my mother’s _face_ if I didn’t have any pictures of her. And my dad just didn’t give a rat if I was alive or not. All he cared about was himself. And now he’s fucking dead too.”

Nobody cared about him. All his live he’d been dumped on.

“A lot of people say that.” Castiel noted. “Can you be more specific?”

“ ‘Be more specific.’ “ Dean mimicked. “When I was 12 I went out for wrestling, and I had to beg Dad to come watch me. It was like he was ashamed of me.”

“Did he ever come to see you?” Castiel asked as Dean sat down too.

“Yeah, after I got mad enough. And then I fucking lost. You’d have thought I lost on purpose the way Dad acted.” When Castiel didn’t answer, Dean said; “So, have you heard enough now?”

“I am still listening, Dean.”

Dean didn’t know why he was spilling his guts to Castiel, but he fought back tears as he continued. “All Dad ever did was drink. He hated me. Do you know what it’s like waking up every morning knowing you’re not good enough? There are only two things wrong with me. Everything I do and everything I say.”

After an awkward silence, Castiel eyed him and spoke quietly. “There’s still one thing, isn’t there?”

Dean hesitated. “It’s none of your damn business.”

“I know how you are feeling.” Castiel said. Dean leaped to his feet and glared at him.

“You don’t know how I’m feeling!” He shouted. “You don’t know what it’s like being hit over and over until you’re so numb you don’t feel anything!” Dean paused for a second to catch his breath, before he went on. “When Dad was drunk he turned into a monster, and afterward he pretended nothing had happened.”

Castiel nodded slowly. “Actually, I _do_ know what that is like.”

Dean held his breath as Castiel continued. “To me it felt like a bad dream you couldn’t wake up from.”

So Cas had a shitty childhood too. Well, actually Dean could’ve guessed that. Fucking stupid. And Cas’ mother was still alive and crap. So he wasn’t freed of it yet. Maybe the poor guy had it even worse than him.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Castiel.”

“It’s okay, Dean.” Castiel smiled softly. “Should we pay a visit to Samandriel now?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Dean said as he got up.

“Oh, and actually-“ Castiel added. “I liked it better when you called me ‘Cas’?”

Dean felt the heat creeping up to his face. “Uhmm... Really?”

“Yes. You may keep saying that.” Castiel said as he stood up too.

“Okay. Cool.” Dean smiled, and they both started to walk to the hospital.

Castiel _really_ was a good guy.


	12. Turning Toward the Mainstream Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her face had lost what little color it had had. “I- No! Fuck you, Dean! That’s just nothing more than a lousy excuse not to try. Or maybe-“ She clenched her jaw. “Maybe you just don’t love me. Is that it?!” 
> 
> Anna’s eyes washed with tears as the broken words spun through his head. Was this what she called love? Was this what _he_ called love? He didn’t even know. He’d never really thought about it, but this- He just knew this wasn’t going to work anymore.

By the time night had fallen and enveloped the city in a blanket of darkness, Sam could already see his house in the soft light of the street lanterns. When he got close enough, he could see that the door hadn’t been closed, and it casted a white beam into the sultry night.

A year ago, when Sam just had moved in, he thought it was weird for a door to be left open in this part of town. But his roommates always forgot to lock it and sometimes to even _close_ it. And when Sam had asked them to close the door behind them, and after a few months he still had to remind them of it. He noticed that that none of them actually cared about his little rule.

It was weird being here again after so long. Despite how long he’d been away, he still remembered everything about the place. The gravelly road that led towards the student house, the soft tinkling of the wind chimes that reminded him of summer afternoons and the light blue paint that had faded over the years.

The house hadn’t changed much, and Sam still recognized everything. It looked like the color of the sky before a bad storm, and Alistair had wanted to paint over it with another color, but Sam hadn’t let him.

Sam scurried down the path towards his house, his shoes slapping against the stone steps that led to his front door. Fallen leaves littered the walkway, bathing it in dark red and orange, and he stepped on them with a satisfying crunch. The porch light was on, and the familiar yellow glow made the house feel inviting and warm.

The metal of the doorknob was cool against his palm, and Sam sighed as he pushed the door. It swung open with ease, and a blast of air streamed past him. He frowned as loud music drifted from the direction of Gordon’s room. Gordon was the oldest of their group, and he was always up late playing his stupid music that woke him up most of the times.

Sam gently closed the door behind him and walked towards his own room, trying not to wake the others, if Gordon’s music hadn’t yet. When he was finally in his bedroom, ready to go to sleep, he reverently rubbed his fingers along the silken mattress of his own bed. The comforter was thick and irresistibly soft and he toppled into it, relieved to rest his weary feet. Sam took a deep breath and smiled. He had missed this.

He wanted so much to melt onto the soft foam, wrapped in his blanket and immediately drifting into the world of happy dreams. He just spent fourteen hours of sadness and helplessness, and he didn’t want to be thinking about it all night. The longer he lied in that bed, the more chance of sleep he had and the better tomorrow would be. The only things that could save him from the demons of his tomorrow was sleep.

But while the rest of the world embraced their dreams, getting their eight hours of rest, Sam tossed and turned in his bed. Soon his mind was back on his father and the funeral. And after that it switched to Dean and the alcohol, Jess and Meg, Samandriel and Castiel. His mind was moving faster than he could keep up, like it was stuck on fast forward and the volume was jammed right up.

His eyes opened and darted to the clock. It was three thirty in the morning, and his heart was thumping out of his chest. For hours the silence of the night had seeped into his pores, dowsing his mind in its thick toxicity. The usefulness of his thoughts had left long ago, leaving them heavy and flailing without any direction. His brain was a violent whirl of stupidity, trying to organize the chaos in his life.

Sam wanted so much not to think at all. All he wanted was being absorbed into the darkness that the night had promised him hours ago. He wanted to be waking refreshed to streaming white daylight, unaware of the hours between then and now. But behind his closed lids the idiocy continued.

 

***

 

The muffled etching sound that lightly danced through the bedroom was enough to send Sam’s back straight. He sat up in pitch darkness as cold sweat washed over his face and chest, and it felt like his heart was trying to escape through his throat the first chance it could get.

And again the thoughts of fear looped around his mind, until there was no room for anything else. “If I don’t ask her about it, I don’t know if it’s true. If I do ask her, she could think I don’t trust her. But do I trust her?”

The thoughts included Meg. She made it appear that Jessica  _definitely_  had given the alcohol to his dad. And that just couldn’t be, right? Sam was worried. He was really,  _really_  worried.

Then Sam realized that the noise he heard earlier was his phone. Someone was  _calling_  him. Sam jumped up from his bed and pulled his phone out of the jeans he wore yesterday.

“Hello?” He mumbled sleepily.

“S-Sam? I- Please help.“

He swallowed in the grip of silent panic. The broken voice sounded a lot like Jessica.

A _crying_ Jessica.

 

***

 

Samandriel´s bed was empty when Dean and Castiel entered the room, but Anna was sitting next to it. As soon as she noticed their presence she looked up. She gave Castiel a big smile, but she didn’t bother to even  _look_  at Dean.

“Hi Castiel.” She said while she got up and moved towards them. Dean’s eyes narrowed her movements as she opened her arms and pulled Castiel in for a hug. “How are you feeling?”

“Erm… Anna, I think you should-“ Castiel mumbled as he glanced at Dean. “I- I feel fine, I guess. But-”

“Good.” Anna said as she let go of him. She kept staring at either her brother or the ground, and she was obviously avoiding any eye contact with Dean.

They hadn’t talked for a day, but that didn’t mean that she could just ignore him or something. What the fuck was she even trying to say? She was obviously angry with him, but _why_? Dean sighed and scraped his throat to end the silence.

“So I don’t even get a ‘hello’ or something?”

Anna crossed her arms and finally looked up at him, staring for a few seconds. “Well, you haven’t said anything to  _me_  yesterday.” She replied dryly.

Oh. This was about  _yesterday_.

“Do you even know what you-“

“You could’ve talked to me, Dean.” She yelled suddenly. “I know you needed someone, and I was there for you. But you didn’t even  _look_ at me.” She turned around so he was facing her back now.

Exactly _this_ is why he didn’t like relationships. Women are just so damn confusing. Just tell me what’s wrong, and don’t act so friggin’ childish. As if he could have figured out what she meant with her damn action. And how was he even supposed to be with her if she didn’t talk to him when he had done something ‘wrong’.

“I didn’t fucking _ask_ for your damn help.” He yelled back. “I didn’t ask for _all_ of this, to be honest.”

It felt like the time stopped for a second the moment Castiel stepped between them, facing him.

“I think it would be wise if I got something to drink. You two definitely need to talk.” He mumbled as concerned eyes pierced through Dean’s soul. God, they were so _beautiful._ It was almost calming to watch the blue color of them.

But before he knew it the calming presence of them was gone, and he was alone in the room with Anna.

“You know I care about you, Dean.” She continued. “I _love_ you, and-“

Dean sighed and spoke with his head to the floor. “No, you don’t. One day you’ll hate me, Anna.”

She stopped like she’d taken a bullet to the guts. “Why would you say such a thing? I _love_ you, Dean! I can’t live without you! Please, I-”

Dean raised his eyes to meet hers, so that she would know that he wasn’t messing. “It all went too fast, Anna. I can’t live up to your expectations, I-“ He swallowed. “I won’t bring you flowers and I’ll probably forget our anniversary. Your friends will have nicer homes and fancier vacations, I won’t be- I can’t be with you. I’ll be boring because I’m so damn _tired_ , Anna.”

Her face had lost what little color it had had. “I- No! Fuck you, Dean! That’s just nothing more than a lousy excuse not to try. Or maybe-“ She clenched her jaw. “Maybe you just don’t love me. Is that it?!”

Anna’s eyes washed with tears as the broken words spun through his head. Was this what she called love? Was this what _he_ called love? He didn’t even know. He’d never really thought about it, but this- He just knew this wasn’t going to work anymore.

“I don’t- I don’t fucking _know_ okay?! We can’t-”

“Just tell me, Dean! It’s a simple question! Do you love me?!” She yelled, sending shivers through his spine.

But suddenly a strange sneering voice sounded through the room. “Daammnn! I can hear you two lovebirds from outside the building.” A strange guy poked his head out from the doorframe.

“But never fear, Doctor Love is in the house!” The man froze for a second before he whistled and cocked his head, looking Dean up and down with a sly half-smile on his face.

“Nice job, sis.” He commented as he casually walked into the room. He was quite short and seemed to be the same age as Dean was.

“G-Gabriel?” Anna stammered. “Wha- How did you…”

“Whoa, easy there.” Gabriel complained Anna pulled him in for a tight hug. “Yeah, I missed ya too.”

After she let go of him the man smirked and looked at Dean again. “So… What’s the name of this precious little darling of yours?” The guy – Gabriel apparently – teased as he wiggled his eyebrows at him.

“Anna…?” Dean said slowly, not daring to look away from the man that just made a fucking flirting move. “Who the fuck is this?”

“This is my brother Gabriel, Dean. I told you about him once.”

“Oh wait! It’s the dude that-“

“Deanooo! Ya recognized me! I’m flattered, really!”

“Yes.” She hissed angrily as she turned to look at her brother again. “The dude that _left_ and never _contacted_ any of us afterwards.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I shouldn’t have done that. But here I am, sparkling and fresh and ready to party.” Gabriel said cheerfully before looking at the empty bed. “So… Where’s our poor little duckling?”

“He’s doing some tests, he’ll probably be back in a few.” Anna replied.

Was it possible that Gabriel already knew about everything that happened, without having any contact with the rest of his family? Was there a chance that he didn’t blame _him_ for it all?

Gabriel didn’t appear to be like his mother, so that was a good thing. But the question was if he knew about Dean’s role in all of this. Dean swallowed.

“You know about what happened?”

“That’s why I’m here, Deano.”

“So you didn’t even come to see the rest of us?” Anna snapped. “You were just worried about Samandriel?”

Gabriel shrugged. “Yeah, well… Not really. This seemed like a good opportunity for my return, so I took my chance. Actually, where’s our lovely mother?”

Anna sighed. “Probably in church. She’s pretty close with Metatron again.”

“Hmmm… So that dick still isn’t dead.” He said with a frown on his face. “And Cassie? How’s he doing?”

Dean smiled as he heard the nickname. Castiel had liked the one he gave him this morning. Their time together had been pretty damn good, and Cas had looked a little bit happier than before. “Cas’s doing quite good actually. We’ve talked this morning, and-“

“He asked _me,_ Dean.” Anna snarled angrily. “Mind your own business. And why are you even still here?”

 “Well excuse me, but I thought we were _talking_ about something.”

“We’re done talking.” She said proudly. “It’s over, Dean.”

Oh, so it was like that. As if she hadn’t been begging him to stay a few minutes ago. And now she’s acting all tough in front of her little brother. Of course.

“ _What_ exactly is over?” He asked with an innocent smile on his face.

“Us.”

Dean huffed. “Can’t break what wasn’t there in the first place, sweetheart.”

Gabriel whistled again. “Auwtsjj... I’m sorry Anna, but I gotta admit that was a good one.”

 “Deano, I like you!” Gabriel said as they both had stopped laughing.

“Shut up, Gabriel!” Anna said grouchy.

“Gabriel?” The gravelly voice sounded through the closed door, before Castiel had opened it and entered the room. “Is that you?”

“Cassieee!”

“Oh come on! What the fuck is this, a family reunion?” Dean groaned as Gabriel literally jumped into Castiel’s arms.

He huffed. It probably was. They probably hadn’t seen their brother in _years_ , and they needed some privacy. Who was he to take that from them?

Dean stood up and hesitated before he walked past the hugging brothers. He had wanted to say bye to Cas, but he was looking so happy right now, and Dean didn’t want to interrupt. He stared at his friend for a moment before he left the hospital room.

They all seemed to be so happy with each other. It must be such a close family, even with a mother like Naomi.

Why wasn’t _his_ family so bright and successful? Why couldn’t _his_ family just be happy? Why was _his_ family just doomed to be broken? Why was _his_ family only him and Sam?

 _Okay, stop behaving like you’re pathetic._ He said to himself as he exited the building. _Stop whining, Winchester. You’re a man._

He should be thinking about something else. Something distracting, like- Like the weather. Yeah. The weather.

Dean took a deep breath in and felt the cold air filling his lungs. It was bright and dry outside, and there was an icy breeze. The ground was still wet with the last night’s rainfall. When he looked up he could see  a few sparse clouds that were racing across the sky, chased by the cold, keen wind.

The weather actually _was_ nice, like he had thought.

He smiled. Just as it had been with _Cas_. Somehow, he already knew that he would be a good person. And he definitely was. Castiel was nice and caring, and he was there for his family. He probably loved his stepmother, loved his sister and loved all of his brothers. Even the one that had left them and broke the connection for years. And even though Gabriel was annoying as fuck, Dean still thought that he was kinda okay.

Gabriel had probably enough stories to tell his siblings. And that required a shitload of family time. And that meant that it would take forever before Dean could have some more alone time with Cas.

But yeah, whatever. It wasn’t like he needed it or something.

 

***

 

 “Jess? What’s wrong? What happened?” Sam finally managed to yell as he darted out of his room. He was totally awake now.

“Can- Can you open the door? Please…?” She whispered through the phone.

Sam nearly fell of the stairs as he ran to the front door.

He swung it open and suddenly he was standing in front of his girlfriend. She wasn’t wearing a coat and her light blue shirt was soaked with rain. She was obviously crying and her hands were shaking.

“Shit! What’s wrong? What happened?!” He asked while he pulled her in and closed the door.

“I- They… They fired me, Sam.” She said before she threw herself into his arms. “They just fired me.”

“What?! Why?” He said softly as he combed his fingers through her long hair.

“They think I gave John what he wanted.” She said in the crook of his neck. “They all think _I_ gave him the alcohol.”

His heart twisted and sunk with nerves as he wrapped his arms tightly around her. Her breaths were coming in sharp pants, and he tried to calm her down. He _tried_. He told her that it was okay, that he believed that she hadn’t done it, that he was sorry, and that they were wrong. But none of it was really working.

And Sam wasn’t lying; he did believe that Jessica hadn’t given the alcohol to his father. Because if she had, she wouldn’t be crying like this. She would have told him by now.

But here she was, crying because she was fired without a reason.

He kept holding her, and his heart was hammering in his chest, but he tried to remain calm and comfort her with no hint of hesitation. She couldn’t know he already knew about this, right? And what if she did? This wasn’t his fault, was it?

Well, he _could_ have warned her about it. He could have told her what Meg had told him. Maybe she would still have her job if he had done that. But maybe not.

Sam clenched his jaw. No, it wasn’t his fault. This was all Meg’s fault. _She_ was the one who caused Jessica to be fired. Because of _her_ she lost her dream job. And she _will_ pay for that.

His mind flickered back to the now. Jessica had stopped crying, and was just quietly breathing. They were still hugging, and he was whispering soothing words into her ear. Luckily they hadn’t woken Gordon or Alistair, otherwise they wouldn’t stop teasing him about it after Jessica had left.

The prevailing silence made his blood as cold as the autumnal air that crept through an open window. Except for Jessica’s now regular soft breathing there was no other whispering noise or rustling. Sam glanced at the clock.

It was five in the morning, and even the birds were quiet. There wasn’t a car on the lane within a three mile radius, and even the dog was still asleep. Sam felt the silence filling his head, being soothed himself by its meditative quality.

Each time another worrying thought emerged, he mentally jotted it down on a notepad, wrapped it around a stone and threw it away into the abyss. There was no time for his own problems right now. He had to be there for Jess, and that was all that he cared for right now.

And before he knew it, they both had moved into his bed, wrapped in his duvet and still being cocooned by the thick protective buffer of the absolute quiet.

“Sam?” Jessica whispered suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

He smiled softly. “For what exactly?”

“Just for being you.” She admitted before she yawned.

“Well, actually I have a few years’ experience of being me.”

 “Smartass.” She huffed before she wrapped her arms around his torso and hugged him close. “I bet you’re tired.”

“Maybe.” He murmured with a tiny sigh. “You?”

“Kinda, yeah. I think we should be quiet and sleep.”

He hummed approvingly, and after a few minutes Jessica’s body went limp, soon being followed by his own.


	13. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had forgotten it. Like he would have forgotten his mother’s face if it weren’t for the few pictures he had. He wondered how much he’d actually forgotten about her already. Too much, probably. He couldn’t even miss her because he didn’t know anything about her anymore.  
> Water started to fill his eyes, but Dean wiped it away before it could even form a single tear. Just look at him. Crying over nothing.  
> The last time he really, _really_ cried… Dean huffed at the memory of it.

“Wakey-wakey, Sa-“ The voice of his roommate stopped abruptly. “Whoa, who’s this sleeping beauty?”

“Sshhh! You’re waking her!” Sam hissed as he checked if Jessica’s eyes were still closed.

Gabriel smirked. “You little fucker. Since when are you such a Casanova, Samsquatch?”

“Shut up, Gabe.” He huffed. “And why are you even here? Ever heard of privacy?”

“It’s already past twelve, and I thought you could use something to eat. Am I wrong then?”

He nearly jumped up from his bed and looked at the clock. Gabriel was right. It _was_ already past twelve. “Shit! Okay, I- Uhhm…  I’ll help you make some lunch before Jessica wakes up.”

“So that’s the name of the princess. Nice to meet you too, Jessica.” Gabriel said with a smirk before turning around and leaving the room.

Sam yawned and stretched his muscles. He smiled as Jessica sighed and turned around, so she was now facing him. Her hair was literally everywhere, and a soft smile spread across her face. Even in her sleep she was smiling.

“Saaaam!” The voice sounded through the whole house.

“Yeeesss, I’m coming!”

Sam got the food from the kitchen while Gabriel laid the table with only three plates. That meant Gordon and Alastair were probably at school.

He sighed. He hadn’t been there for 4 weeks now, and he had probably missed some really important things. He couldn’t understand how someone didn’t like school.

But he knew Gabriel _hated_ it. And he knew Gabriel had the tendency to skip it most of the times, so Sam felt responsible for making sure his friend followed at least a few classes a week.

“Gabe?” He shouted from the kitchen. “Don’t you have to be at school right now?”

“Maaaaybe. But the class I have now is boring as hell, and Hendricksen hates me. But I do have a test next class.“

Sam glanced at the clock. The next class. That meant that Gabriel only had about ten minutes left to get there. And Gabriel didn’t even look stressed or something.

“Geez, Gabe. You should hurry then! “ He said angrily. Why was heeven stressed? _Gabriel_ should be stressed, he was the one who was going to miss his class. “Why are you even helping me? I can handle this on my own!”

“You sure as hell can. You even got this top model girl in your bed, so a little lunch should be a piece of cake.” His friend teased, before leaving him alone in the kitchen.

Sam hummed as he put the mugs on the table and poured the damping green tea in them. After a few minutes Gabriel walked in, and he was obviously searching for something.

“Where’s my damn school pass?” He asked after helplessly looking around for a minute.

“You lost it _again?_ You should keep your important stuff together.” Sam said as he checked the table. He immediately saw the pass sticking between the pages of a folder. What was it even doing _there_?

“You mean this one?” He asked with a smirk as he grabbed it and showed it to his friend.

“Ermm, yeah. That’s mine. Now give it to me.”

Sam wanted to give it back, but then he saw the little picture on it. A picture of Gabriel.

His hair was longer than it was now, and he didn’t have his stubble yet. On his nose there were a few visible freckles. The picture was probably taken a few years ago, and his friend had changed a _lot_.

“Awwhh Gabe you were so cute!” He cooed as he looked closer.

“Sam, it’s not funny! Give it back!” His friend snapped as he tried to grab the pass, but he stretched his arm out so that Gabriel couldn’t reach it. At least his length was good for _something_.

Gabriel pulled at his arm and jumped to get it, but nothing helped. Sam wasn’t going to give this up. He was enjoying this way too much.

“Saaam!” He whined one last time, and now Sam _really_ wanted to give it back to him. But then his eyes wandered to the small letters on the school pass. His smile disappeared as he read what was written there.

“Milton? Gabriel Milton?!” He asked as he lowered his arm so that Gabriel could reach it.

“Wait a second… Isn’t that-“ He said when his friend finally pulled the pass out of his hand. “Gabe, are you part of Samandriel’s family?”

Gabriel looked up, and after a few moments of hesitation he knitted his brows incredulously. “Who?”

“Samandriel Milton.” Sam crossed his arms and gave his friend one of his best bitch faces. “The kid in the hospital? I told you about him multiple times.”

Gabriel totally knew what he was talking about. He just didn’t want to admit it. Obviously for a reason. Because he _was_ family.

“Oooh, that guy.” Gabriel laughed nervously. “Nah, he’s not family.”

“Mmhm, sure.”

Gabriel kept staring at the ground. He was probably thinking what he should say to make Sam believe him, but that wasn’t going to work. But surprisingly, Gabriel just admitted it. A _part_ of it.

“Fiiine. He _is_ family, but not close. He’s a- My cousin.”

There was an awkward silence, and Sam just _knew_ that his friend was lying.

“He’s your brother, isn’t he? And you’re obviously family, Gabe. Otherwise you wouldn’t have denied you knew him in the first place.”

After an exaggerated sigh Gabriel looked up and started clapping. “Bravo. You got me, Sherlock.”

Sam smiled triumphantly. He already knew his friend too well. But there was still one thing that he didn’t get. “Why would you even lie about that?” He asked.

“Because I don’t like my family, okay? It’s just-“

“Nobody really does, Gabe. There’s always that one sibling that-”

“You don’t know _anything_ about my family, Sam.” Gabriel snapped.

After that there was another awkward silence, but then Sam cleared his throat. “So… Why did you leave?”

Gabriel looked up and swallowed. “How do you know about that?”

“Anna told me that her brother _Gabriel_ had left a while ago. But I couldn’t have guessed that was _you,_ Gabe.” 

“I left because I _had_ to, Sam. I love my mother and my siblings. Love them! But- But watching them turn on each other? _Hating_ each other? I couldn’t bear it, okay? So I left. But now everyone’s back together because of that damn car accident. It’s happening all over again!”

Sam was shocked. He knew Gabriel as one of the happiest persons alive, and seeing him broken like this was just- _horrible._

“Not if you try not to fight with them anymore.” Sam said after a few seconds of silence. “I know your family pretty good by now, and it _is_ possible. Except for some of your brothers, but-“

Gabriel snorted. “Let me guess… Mikey and Luci?”

“I dunno. But I heard they’re still locked up because of a stupid fight they had together, so you’re safe to go.”

“Mmyeah.” Gabriel mumbled.

“I think you should go visit him.” Sam concluded.

“What? You mean right now?!”

“Yeah. You’re too late for your test anyway.”

Gabriel hesitated a moment before glancing at the clock. “Okay, fine. But if they kill me, it’s your fault.”

“Who’s killing who?” Jessica was standing in the door opening, wearing one of Sam’s plaid button-down shirts.

“Oh. Erm, Jess… This is Gabriel, one of my friends. He lives here too.” He smiled weakly at her, and then he turned around to face his friend. “But he’s going to visit his brother now, _right_?”

“Riiight. So… I guess I’ll talk to you later then.” Gabriel said before grabbing his jacket and walking towards the door.

“You too, Jessica. And it was really _really_ nice meeting you.” He yelled over his shoulder before turning around and wiggling his eyebrows.

Sam huffed as both Gabriel and Jessica laughed. Gabriel was feeling a little better. He hoped.

“Byyyeeee Gabriel!” Jessica laughed before Gabriel closed the door behind him.

“I like him. He seems nice.” She said as she finally sat down. “Does he have a girlfriend? Or boyfriend, I don’t know which way he swings.”

“Yeah, neither do I. Nobody does, really.” Sam laughed. “But as far as I know he doesn’t have one. Why?”

“Just curious.” She said before taking a swig of her tea.

“Are you hitting on him, Jessica Moore?” Sam teased as he took a seat too.

“Of course not. You’re the best boyfriend I could ask for.” She said casually before taking another sip of her tea.

Sam felt the heat coloring his cheeks burning red again. This hadn’t been his intention. And he was never fishing for things like this. So why was Jessica always so smooth? Why couldn’t he just be like this? It wasn’t fair.

“Ow. Yeah, uhm… You too. I mean- Not boyfriend, girlfriend of course.” Sam laughed at his own awkwardness. “Sorry. I’m not used to be alone with such a beautiful girl.” He admitted.

“It’s okay, Sam. You’re just too cute. That’s all. Don’t worry about it.”

Sam sighed in relief and finished his tea. “So… About yesterday-“

“I rather not talk about it right now.”

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.”

“Your house is pretty cool.” She said a little too fast, but Sam appreciated her attempt to save their conversation anyway.

“Oh, thanks.”

“So you live here together with Gabriel?”

“And Gordon and Alastair. But I don’t really like them. I was so damn happy when Gabriel finally knocked at our door.”

The confused look in Jessica’s eyes told him that he needed to explain.

“Gabriel has only lived here for a month now. He randomly appeared when the car accident happened.”

“Oh. That’s weird.”

“No, not really. I just figured he’s Samandriel’s brother. He has some family problems, and I think he wanted to watch everything from a safe distance. But now he’s on his way to Samandriel, so I hope it’s gonna be alright.”

“I’m sure he will.” Jessica gave him a warm smile before looking at the clock.

“Oh, shit! My mom’s gonna be at my door soon.” She sighed as she looked at him apologetically. “I should head back home before she climbs through the window and notices I’m not there.”

“And you’re gonna wear that?” Sam teased as he looked at his plaid shirt that was obviously way too big for her.

“Yeah, I should probably wear something that actually fits me.”

“It’s pretty cute, though.”

“Yeah, right.” She laughed. “Imma change now. Shouldn’t you go check on Dean real quick?”

“Why?”

“Before we went to bed you told me that you were worried about him.”

“Oh. Yeah, I was.” He said as he got up and started to take the plates. “I’ll go there when you’re home.”

“Pfft. You don’t have to wait for me. Just go now, I will close the door behind me.”

“Wha- How?”

“Sam.” A nervous laugh escaped through her lips. “You gave me the key this morning. Don’t you remember anything of what happened?”

“I guess not. I’m sorry, I was kinda tired. I haven’t had enough sleep.” He admitted. “But you gotta hurry, Jess.”

“Yeah I do. But thanks. For everything.” She said before wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You’re welcome.” He smiled and he pressed a quick kiss to her lips.

He heard Jessica climb the stairs while he finished cleaning everything up. After that he put on his jacket and opened the door. He hesitated before grabbing his bag too. He smiled because of the plan he just came up with.

He was going to buy Dean some pie before he visited him. His brother had at least earned _that_ , and Sam knew that it would be highly appreciated. And now he thought about it… He could finally taste the ‘heavenly apple pie’ Dean had told him about once. But that meant that he had to walk to the other side of town. Oh, well. It was worth it.

“Bye, Jess!” Sam yelled as he stepped outside. “Don’t forget to close the door!”

 

***

 

Dean went over all the memories he still had of his father. He still remembered the one time he had called him a liar.

Every eye in their group had been on his father, who turned red and started stammering angrily. “I have devoted my life to him! I-“

“All you care about is _you_.” He had interrupted. “Just look at how you’re dressed. Everybody is-“

“That’s not true.” His father protested as he grabbed Dean’s arm roughly, but then let go. He glared at Dean and pointed at his face. “You control your mouth, son, or I’ll-“

“Or you’ll what?” Dean had taunted. “Beat me?”

His father jumped to his feet. “I don’t beat you, and you know that.” His face flushed even redder now. “I’ve given you swats when you’ve deserved them.”

The teacher stood up and carefully had told them to lower their voices and stay calm, but Dean ignored her.

“You’re still lying!” He shouted. “You’re usually too drunk to even know your own name!” He knew these words guaranteed him a terrible beating the next time he was alone, but still he taunted his father with a smirk. He didn’t plan on staying home next time. The first chance he had, he would run away.

Again the teacher had tried to interrupt, but his father raised his voice even louder. “I’ve given you every damn thing you-“

His father had never been there for him. All his life Dean had only been in his way. He bet his dad hadn’t even known when his birthday was.

Dean was already standing in front of his house, and he looked up to the sky. Heavy dark clouds crowded the far horizon, but a clear sky overhead let the clear sun bathe the ground with warmth. Dean leaned his head back to soak in the sunshine before opening his front door.

It was dark in his house, but he didn’t bother to turn on the lights. He closed the door and walked to the couch, but the darkness caused him to nearly stumble over something that was carelessly thrown on the ground. As he squinted his eyes and focussed on the object, he recognized the colorful green-and-blue blanket. It was the blanket his mother had knitted for him when he was younger.

Dean picked it up and examined it with his fingers. The material wasn’t as soft as it had been, but it was still kinda nice. He remembered the time he had given it to Sam when he had been cold because of his fever. Or the time he and his brother had used it as building material for their pillow fort. The time he had lost it and he had cried until Sam admitted he had stolen it.

He smiled weakly. His mother had given it a name when Dean just called it ‘blanket’ all the time. What had she called it? He tried to remember, but he couldn’t. He aggressively threw the blanket on the ground. It had been a dumb fucking name anyway.

He had forgotten it. Like he would have forgotten his mother’s face if it weren’t for the few pictures he had. He wondered how much he’d actually forgotten about her already. Too much, probably.  He couldn’t even miss her because he didn’t know anything about her anymore.

Water started to fill his eyes, but Dean wiped it away before it could even form a single tear. Just look at him. Crying over _nothing._

The last time he really, _really_ cried… Dean huffed at the memory of it.

It was the time he had disobeyed his father and come home late. After being strapped until his skin was raw with welts, he watched in horror as his dad paused and turned the belt around with his big knuckled hands.

“You think life’s a game! You think you’re in charge! You think I’m a big joke!” His father shouted as he started hitting Dean again, but this time with the metal buckle end.

Again and again Dean screamed. “Don’t! Don’t! I’m sorry I came home late. I’ll obey! Please, Dad, don’t! Please stop!”

As Dean kept screaming, his dad kept hitting him.

That night was the only time Sam ever said anything in his defense. He was standing in the doorway, body frozen in shock. “Dad... Dad you’re hurting him.” He said softly.

Their father spun around to face the little boy. “You mind your own business, son, or I’ll use this thing on you.”

Dean had never seen his brother that terrified anymore. He quickly shook his head stretched his muscles.

He shouldn’t be thinking about all this. This was only hurting him. But he _did_ know a good medicine for it. Dean wanted to walk to the kitchen, but hesitated before wrapping the blanket around his shoulders.

Because it was cold, of course. Nothing else.

In the kitchen the glass bottle filled with dark liquid was already waiting for him. Dean smiled weakly as he reached out for it, but his smile disappeared when the sound of his doorbell stopped him.

Dean groaned as he made his way back to the door. As he opened it, he had to look up to meet the man’s gaze.

“Sammy? Whatcha doin’ here?” He tried to ask as casually as possible.

“Just checking on you.” His brother asked as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. ”Why is it so dark in here?”

“I just got up.” Dean lied. Sammy didn’t have to know his stupid little problems. He probably had enough problems for himself already. “So… Why aren’t you at school?”

“I’ll go tomorrow. Jess needed me this morning.”

“Why aren’t you with her then?”

“As I said, I wanted to check on you. And her mother was coming to visit her.”

Maybe he could make his brother leave so that he could be alone again. Only then he could fix his problems. With the bottle of whiskey, obviously.

“Why don’t you go visit her as well? Like, a little surprise or something?”

“That’s a ridiculous idea, Jerk.”

“No it isn’t! I’m sure she’d like that. Listen to the pro here, Bitch.”

Sam laughed as he shook his head, but he stopped as something caught his attention. “Wait… Is that Binky?”

“What?”

“Binky. The blanket you’re wearing over your shoulders.”

Dean realised the damn thing was still around his shoulders. He felt his cheeks turning pink, so he quickly turned around and pretended to look at the clock. “Oh. Yeah. I was cold. But, ermm… It’s quite late already, why don’t you just go visit her?”

Sam seemed to consider it again, and finally shrugged. “Okay, maybe I should. Why the hell not, right? But _you_ are going to see Castiel, then.”

Dean froze when he heard that name. “C-Castiel? Why would I want to see him?”

“I dunno. You two seem to get along together, so it wouldn’t be a bad idea. You could use some distraction, I’m sure.”

Sam obviously didn’t know that he’d already seen Cas today, but another time couldn’t do bad, right? Maybe Anna had already left, or maybe Castiel just wasn’t in Samandriel’s room anymore. Maybe he was in the park, or-

Yeah, this seemed to be a good idea. Maybe he didn’t need to drink after all. Talking with Castiel had helped him the last time, so it probably would help him now.

And of course he liked being with Castiel. That dude was already a good friend, and they only knew each other for a day or so. Cas understood him. Cas _cared_ for him. He thought.

“Okay, deal.” Dean said a little too loud before grabbing his jacket.

“Geez, you’re really happy to see him, aren’t you?” Sam teased.

“Shut your face, Samantha.”

“But Castiel and Jessica can wait. I have something for you.”

“What’d you do this time? If you screwed up Baby again, I swear to God, I-“

But then he recognized the box Sam pulled out of his bag.

It was a pie box.

 

***

 

“You _what_?!” Gabriel yelled before jumping on his feet. “Why would you _do_ that, Castiel?!”

“I thought it was the best thing I could do.” He admitted. “Father Metatron said it too.”

“Oh, but Cassie… He just wants to _control_ you, don’t you see?”

“No, I do not see that.”

They’d been swapping some stories after Anna left, and they really had _fun_ together. Until Castiel had told his brother about Metatron.

“You’re so naïve, little bro… But okay, if you think you did what’s right, I won’t stop you.” He said before sitting down again.

“Thank you, Gabriel.” Castiel smiled.

“But if he ever forces you to do something, you tell me and I make sure that douchebag ends in prison.”

The smile he wore earlier disappeared from Castiel’s face now. Metatron has already forced him to do so many things, and another time would obviously come.

Should he tell Gabriel? Did he really want to make his story even _worse_ by telling the truth? Worrying his brother even more than he already did?

No. He wasn’t going to tell him everything. He didn’t have to _now,_ and if I needed to in the future, he could always tell him by then.

But it was already too late, because Gabriel noticed something was wrong.

“Wait a second… Did he force you to make that promise?”

“Well, if you say it like that, you may say-“

“So that damn fucker did!” Gabriel yelled. “If you don’t trust that guy, just never go see him again. It’s as simple as that. He will never find you, I’ll take care of that.”

“But Gabriel, I-“

“You don’t need that guy, Cassie. You have me, Anna, Samandriel, your other brothers… And even Naomi if you really _really_ have to. But please, don’t visit Metatron anymore. He’s no good.”

“I can’t just never visit him anymore, Gabriel. I should at least tell him that he is never going to see me again.”

His brother sighed. “Fiiiiiine. But don’t buy any of his lies, okay? If he tells you you’re going to hell or something, don’t believe him.”

Castiel swallowed. “But… I’m not actually going to do that! I mean-”

“Why the frick not?”

Did he really want to do this? Walk away from Father Metatron, stop all of this and just enjoy his life without using his powers? Or at least only using his powers when _he_ wanted to?

Of course he wanted that. Why was he even thinking otherwise? But the thing that stopped him from doing that was Father Metatron himself. Castiel was scared he would be angry. Of course he was going to be angry. Castiel had made a promise.

But he hadn’t wanted to promise anything. Metatron had _made_ him promise, so it wasn’t really a promise, right?

Even if it wasn’t, he still was scared. What if-

Castiel swallowed. “What if I dogo there? To hell?”

“You won’t, Cassie. You’re a good person.”

“But-“

“Just tell him that you stop, and after that you walk away.”

That sounded easy. He may be able to do that. He just had to walk in, say that to Father Metatron, and leave again. Yes. That could definitely work. Metatron couldn’t do him any harm, right?

“O-Okay. Maybe I should do that.”

“Okay then! That’s really great! I’m proud of you, little Bro!” Gabriel said while he ruffled his hair playfully. “Now, do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I must do this alone.” He decided.

“Okidoki then. Is that douche even home?”

“I think he is in church right now, so I will directly go there.”

“So here is your trench coat, and off you gooooo!” Gabriel sang as he threw the trench coat over his head. Even though his brother was acting pretty stupid and childish, it still made Castiel laugh.

“Good luck and if you need me, I’m waiting for you, broooooo!” His brother continued.

“Thank you, Gabriel. For helping me. You can stop singing now.” He laughed.

“No probs. Now, go see Sir Megatron.”

Castiel smiled. His brother may be a weird man sometimes, but he always meant it well.


	14. Perversions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At night, when Dean was left alone with his thoughts, he always relived the nightmare of being alone with his dad. That was when he felt the ache of feeling lonely, the fear, and yes, still, the anger. His father had been right. Anger was a memory never forgotten.  
> But for the last few days, usually later at night, Dean also remembered the fluffy clouds above him. He remembered the crispy leaves under his feet, the shining sun warming his face and the park bench. He remembered the raven hair and the gentle eyes, electric blue orbs that peered patiently at him as he shared his story. Remembering those eyes brought Dean a certain calm.

Castiel sighed as he closed the doors behind him. He swallowed as he looked up to glance at the gigantic old clock above him; it was past two already, and he hadn’t eaten anything yet. But he wasn’t exactly hungry, so Castiel decided to go for a little drink in the city.

The sun was a radiant as he entered the forest, and its light was bathing the whole world in a warm glow. A bus cruised down the twisting road behind him, and forest green hills loomed over the mountainous drive before him. An endless expanse of turquoise wonder was visible on his right, shimmering like liquid gold, stretched towards the distant horizon.

Castiel stopped and closed his eyes, breathing in through his nose and just _relax_ for a moment. In nature he could be himself, just a person. The trees didn’t expect him to be kind and selfless. The wind didn’t ask for his words or his counsel. The soil didn’t rise to meet my boot or shy away.

Here he was simply the person who saw from these eyes and walked on these feet. He could release the labels and emotions he received from home and church. He could leave judgement and expectations in the city and just walk. Some found it surprising that on occasion people just started walking and never came back, but Castiel found it odd that it was so rare.

Maybe they were a noble species after all, unwilling to abandon their responsibilities and loved ones. Castiel smiled at that thought, and opened his eyes again. He started humming The Battle Hymn again, as he made his way to the city.

 

***

 

The pie had been delicious. But yeah, what did he expect?

The mushy apples inside were spiced with just the right amount of cinnamon, and the smell of them alone already sent shivers up to Dean’s spine. And that heavenly filling was enveloped in this flakey and crispy pie crust, sweet but not _too_ sweet. The only thing that had been missing was the vanilla ice cream that he preferred to serve it with. He loved the way it slowly melted away, gradually covering the slice with lukewarm white cream that- Oh god it was so good.

But in spite of the heaven that had been in his mouth there was still a thought kept bothering him. Dean didn’t know why the hell his brother had bought this for him. Sure, he was grateful for it, but still.

Sam only bought him pie when he needed or had broken something. Dean glanced at his brother, trying to figure out what it could be, but Sam only gave him a weak smile back. And that was the moment Dean recognized the look in his eyes. He swallowed as he realised that there was another thing that could’ve caused his brother to buy him the best damn apple pie in the world. His brother was _worried_ about him.

And he shouldn’t be. Why were people even offering him help? Dean was _fine._ He didn’t _need_ any of this pity and comfort. He hated it. It was annoying and useless.

“So… How are you doing?” Sam asked carefully.

_Oh, great. There we go again._

_“_ I’m okay, I guess.” He mumbled. Dean didn’t even have to look up at his brother to know that he was disappointed in this answer.

But what did he even expect? That everything would be fine after a slice of pie? Did he even know how _not okay_ Dean was? He huffed. Of course he didn’t. Nobody understood him, and nobody cared.

And why would his brother care? _He_ was smart and had a whole future ahead of him. It would take a shitload of crap for him to actually fuck that up.

Why now, all of a sudden, should Dean believe he cared? He was there for him every day, but that didn’t prove anything. He still hadn’t forgotten the time that Sam had _left_ when Dean had turned eighteen. The time his little brother found comfort in _drugs_ instead of him.

But Sam seemed a little different after those three years. Happier, more sure of himself. Dean smiled softly. Sam wasn’t the insecure little brother he used to be. His brother had grown up.

Sam clearing his throat slammed him back into reality. “Ermm… I know it is a difficult topic to talk about, but-“

“Get on with it.” Dean sighed. Whatever it was, it couldn’t get any worse right now.

Sam swallowed before asking a question. “Ever wonder why Dad used to beat you?”

Dean looked up, surprised. “I’ve never done anything to him!”

“I never said you did.”

Dean hesitated before answering. “He just whipped me ‘cause he was mad.” He gave Sam a broad smile to lighten the mood, but it didn’t seem to help.

“I really don’t understand why you’re talking so airily about this, Dean. This is a serious subject.”

“I know, man. I just don’t like talking about it.” He admitted. “But yeah, that shit’s still bothering me, okay?”

At night, when Dean was left alone with his thoughts, he always relived the nightmare of being alone with his dad. That was when he felt the ache of feeling lonely, the fear, and yes, still, the anger. His father had been right. Anger was a memory never forgotten.

But for the last few days, usually later at night, Dean also remembered the fluffy clouds above him. He remembered the crispy leaves under his feet, the shining sun warming his face and the park bench. He remembered the raven hair and the gentle eyes, electric blue orbs that peered patiently at him as he shared his story. Remembering those eyes brought Dean a certain calm.

Then Sam broke the short silence. “Maybe when this is all over, you can go start a new life somewhere.”

“It will never be over.” Dean said dryly.

“That’s up to us. I’ve already been clean for a month.” Sam said with obvious pride in his voice.

Dean studied his brother. “Why?”

A faraway look crept into his eyes. “A couple of years ago, before Dad took a wrong turn, I always thought that we would be a normal family. I knew Dad loved us, and when I saw him start beating you and crap, I kept telling myself things would get better. And those drugs helped me ignore reality.” His brother shook his head. “It took a really good doctor and Dad ending up in a hospital to wake me up. I realized I couldn’t change anybody but myself. And I’m sorry you’ve gone through all you have. Can you ever forgive me for that?”

“You weren’t the one who hit me, Sammy.”

“No, but I didn’t really try to stop it. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

“It’s okay.” Dean said.

“No, it’s not okay. But maybe we can _change_ things.”

Dean studied him curiously. “Dude, this is actually the first time you’ve ever talked to me about this.”

“I know. But this is the first time I’m clean while I see you like this.” He admitted.

Dean’s eyes widened as he saw his brother opening his arms to pull him in for a hug. A goddamn _hug._

“Oh come on! Really, Sam?” He complained as he tried to escape out of the arms, but his brother kept holding him tight. But after Sam let go of him, he turned away to hide his misty eyes.

He felt Sam’s gaze burning his back. “What are you staring at?” He snapped without turning around.

“I think you’ve changed too.” Sam said calmly.

“I haven’t changed a single bit.”

Sam huffed. “Are you sure about that?”

Dean quit trying to think of answers with his head, and instead just- He didn’t know. He just started _talking_. “I dunno. I just know that Dad isn’t gonna come back to say he’s sorry. And even if he could, that wouldn’t change shit. He could never take away the memories of it.”

“That’s why you should get on with your life, Dean. I’m not saying that you can forget everything that happened, but just- Get a girlfriend, move to another city and start a family or something.”

“I sure as hell don’t ever wanna have a kid and beat him up. I’m no better than Dad, Sam. I’m _worse_. So what the hell makes you think things can be different for me?”

“You’re nothing like him, Dean. You’ve taken care of me when he didn’t. And with the alcohol- You aren’t as bad as he was. Not _yet_. So why don’t you start by trying to stop drinking?”

“Maybe that doesn’t change shit. I’m still gonna be like him.”

When Sam didn’t answer, Dean found himself irritated. “And why aren’t you with your Jessica? I thought you were going to visit her.”

Sam hesitated before replying, completely ignoring his question. “Actually, I think you should get a girlfriend too, Dean. Why did you even broke up with Anna? You two seemed so happy together.”

“I wasn’t- I wasn’t happy with _her_.” He replied a little too fast.

“So you know you can be happy with someone else?”

Dean felt his stomach turning. Could he be happy with someone? Was someone out there for him who made him happy? Who made him forget about his problems, and cared about him? Who wanted to help him, and made him open up, even when he was being distant at first?

He froze as he realised there actually _was_ someone like that. There was this guy he met a few days ago. They had only talked a few times, and not in really good circumstances. But besides that, it had been- It had been amazing. He had never felt like that when talking to someone.

With his beautiful black hair and his beautiful blue eyes and his beautiful white smile and-

He swallowed. He wasn’t thinking about Castiel. This just wasn’t right. That wasn’t-

Dean Winchester was _not_ gay.

 

***

 

Sam could already see Jessica through the window of her house. She was sitting at the table, and was probably talking to her mother. But she didn’t look happy. She didn’t look happy _at_ _all._ She was shaking and he saw from here that she was _crying_.

What could have happened? Had this something to do with her job? Had this something to do with _him_?

Part of him wanted to storm inside and comfort her, but he had to respect her privacy. She had the right to talk to her mother privately, and maybe she didn’t invite him on purpose.

Sam hoped that Jessica and her mother hadn’t seen him, and he decided go home. Leaving her like this made his heart ache, but it was the best thing to do. Sam turned around and wanted to made his way back home, but then someone walked into him. They both grunted and Sam looked at the guy that obviously wasn’t paying attention. Surprisingly he recognized him.

“Castiel?! What are you doing here?”

The man didn’t look good. The skin under his red-rimmed eyes was dark and his hair was messier than normal. He didn’t even answer Sam’s question, he just kept staring at him with vacant eyes.

Great. So he had to be worried about Castiel too. “Cas? What happened?”

“Sam? I-” He managed to say, but Castiel stopped in the middle of his sentence to giggle.

“What’s wrong with you, Cas? Wait a second- Are you… drunk?”

“No!” Castiel snarled, but his eyes softened quickly. “Yes.”

“What the hell happened to you?”

“I found a liquor store.” Castiel said.

“And?”

“And I drank it.”

Sam wanted to ask why, but before he could even start, a familiar voice sounded from behind him. “Cas?!”

Dean ran to the other man and gripped his left shoulder. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been searching for you everywhere.”

Castiel shot an angry glare at him. “On a bender!”

Dean frowned in confusion and looked at his brother. “He’s… Did you say on a bender?” He asked.

“Yeah… He’s still pretty smashed.” Sam replied.

“It is not of import.” Castiel hissed. “Why were you searching for me, Dean?”

This would be the perfect moment to leave them alone. Maybe Dean would open up to Castiel eventually, and maybe he could help his stubborn brother better than _he_ could. Sam could see the two were already close to each other, and he was definitely being the third wheel here.

“So… Dean, I have to go back home. Gordon’s waiting for me there.” He lied. “You’re gonna take care of Cas, right?”

Sam laughed as he saw the panic starting to grow in his brother’s eyes. “What the fuck do you want me to do then?” He whispered.

“Just take him home and make sure he’s okay.”

“Why do _I_ have to do this?” He hissed back.

Sam shrugged and grinned widely. “I’m sorry, Dean, but I really have to go now.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot, Bitch.”

“Jerk.”  He replied before walking away and leaving his brother and his friend alone.

 

***

 

An hour later both of them were awkwardly sitting on the couch in Castiel’s home.

The living room was uncomfortably large, and it reminded Dean of a hotel foyer. It looked like a perfect magazine cover.

Dean had been scared to sit down in case he wrinkled the fabric, or maybe stain it with something he didn’t even know was on his pants. The couch was cream but inlaid with a fine green silk. Leaves were embroidered so delicately that they might have landed there in spring and just sunk in, but Dean knew it would probably have token forever to sew them.

An uncomfortable silence reigned while Dean was scanning the room for some sort of personal touch, something that didn’t suggest a hired designed had chosen it.

There was no TV, only three large bookshelves filled with hundreds of books. On the walls he could see were a few photographs, but they weren’t really… _colorful._ They were black and white, and not casual family snaps, but arranged to look like such by a professional. Nobody in the picture was smiling, and Dean recognized only a few faces.

“How are you feeling, Dean?” Castiel asked after a little.

“You’re the drunk one here, Cas. How are _you_ feeling?”

“I am not intoxicated anymore, I only have a slight headache.”

“Oh. Okay.” Dean felt that the awkward tension was slowly slipping away. “So why’d you get drunk?” He asked as casually as possible.

“My brother Gabriel told me I should quit working for Father Metatron.”

“Sounds like helluva plan, if you ask me.” Dean said. “You’ve already been there?”

“Yes. But he told me that-“ Castiel stopped to look at the ground.

“What did he tell you?”

Castiel hesitated before he continued. “Father Metatron told me that I can be _dangerous_ if I have no contact with him anymore. That I will have a bad influence on the people around me if I don’t follow him. So I apologized and I left.”

“Why’d you be dangerous? You don’t look very dangerous to me, to be honest.” Dean said.

“You do not understand, Dean. I am not normal.” Castiel swallowed. “I am gifted with-”

“Whoa, I know! You don’t have to tell me, Cas. Anna already did.”

“Oh.”

There was an uncomfortable silence again, and again Castiel broke it. “But you didn’t answer my question. How are you feeling?”

“I’m completely fine.” He lied.

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s just hard to explain, okay?”

Castiel nodded. “Okay. But do you know why are you feeling like this?”

“No, Cas, I don’t.” He snapped.

“Maybe I do. Do you think that what happened is your fault?” He asked.

Anger started to boil up in his chest. Did he really want to know everything? Fine. He could get it.

“I don’t _think_ that, I _know_ it is. I should be locked up somewhere, to rot away when I finally die. I don’t deserve anything better, Cas.” He snapped. “Things can’t become better for me and  I’ll never change. I’ll always feel like shit and that’s what I deserve. Is that what you wanted to hear, _Castiel_?” Saying his full name nearly made him shiver. “That I’m not okay?!”

“I only want you to be honest, Dean. And I do not believe anything of what you said is true. Your brother told me that you took care of him when you were younger. Is that true?”

 “Why did you even talk about that with him? And what’s with all the questions? You are wasting your damn time.” He said with a broken voice.

“Am I? “ Castiel asked calmly. “I only care about you, Dean.”

Dean fought back the tears blurring his vision. “Oh, do you? In that case you’re the only fucking one who cares about me.” He blurted. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate what you’re doing, Cas. But I screwed everything up. If they ever find out what I’ve done in my life, I’m going to jail- Can’t you see that I’m no good? Why don’t you just leave me alone now and quit wasting your time.”

Dean looked up and saw that Castiel was blushing. “I only want you to be happy, Dean. I still believe in you and I think there is hope.”

Castiel walked away and left him alone in the living room. He came back with a glass of water and a suspicious smile on his face.

“Here, drink this.” He said while giving him the glass.

“Thanks, Cas” Dean said softly.

“Oh, and I heard you like pie. Is that correct, Dean?”

“Erm, yeah it is. But why do you-“

Castiel stood up and reached into the brown paper bag that had been standing on the ground the whole time. One by one he pulled out groceries and set them on the small wooden table.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked. Castiel ignored the question as he laid out sugar, butter, cherries, salt, flour, eggs, baking soda, a bottle of water and molasses.

“Okay.” Castiel said after he finished. “Now, I want you to taste everything on the table.”

“No way!” Dean grumped. “I’m not eating that crap.”

“You surprise me, Dean. You are actually afraid of a little bad taste!” Castiel teased.

“I’m not afraid of anything.” Dean boasted. “I just don’t get why I gotta do this. It’s just stupid.”

“Then taste everything on the table. I will explain it afterwards.” He promised.

“Fuck this.” Dean snapped, but still he tried each item one by one.

First he tasted the sugar, the flour, and the baking soda. He purposely took big mouthfuls of it to prove nothing bothered him. He tried to drink some molasses as casually as possible, and he stared straight at Castiel as he bit off a chunk of butter and swallowed it.

When he came to the eggs, he looked defiantly at Castiel as he picked one up, tilted his head back, and broke it raw into his mouth. He downed everything with a single swallow. Dean finished by shaking salt directly into his mouth.

“So?” Dean asked. “How did everything taste?”

“Fucking gross.” Dean said as he took along swig of water from the bottle. “What the hell did you expect?”

Castiel walked away and Dean heard him taking something out of the fridge. “I want you to taste one more thing.” He said as entered the living room again.

Castiel unwrapped a deliciously smelling cherry pie and cut off a large slice. “Here,” he said. “Eat this, if you dare.”

This guy was unbelievable. They just had been talking about all of his problems, then he asked him to eat random things, and now he was offering him a slice of homemade pie? There was obviously something wrong with him.

But Dean couldn’t resist the hopeful look the piercing blue eyes were giving him. Another slice of pie today couldn’t do harm, right? And it _did_ smell good, so…

“Fine.” He said before he wolfed down the moist slice of pie, eyeing Castiel the whole time. The pie was _delicious._ It was even better than the apple pie he had eaten earlier.

“So what does all this prove?” Castiel asked as he had finished eating.

Dean shrugged in response. “Did you like the pie?”

“It was kinda okay.”

“I baked it this morning, using the same ingredients you tasted on the table.”

“Yeah, so?” Dean said.

“What ingredients should I have left out?” Castiel asked.

“None.” Dean answered. “That’s a dumb question.”

“But you said that the ingredients tasted gross.”

Dean let his irritation show. “Not mixed together, dumbass.”

“I think I made my point.” Castiel said as he crossed his arms. “You can be a ‘kinda okay’ cherry pie too, Dean.”

That comment almost made him blush, but he quickly shook his head, trying to hide it. Was this guy _flirting_ with him now, or what was he trying to do? This was just damn _stupid_.

“Do you even hear how ridiculous you sound?” Dean huffed.

“It is not that hard, Dean. Just open your eyes and-“

“Oh, so you think my life isn’t hard?” He snarled back.

“Life is what you make of it. What you focus on becomes reality. So life is hard if you make it hard for yourself.”

“So I’ve failed living my life? Is that it?” He shouted.

Castiel started panic. “No, you do not understand what-“

“Oh, I _do_ understand, Castiel. _You_ just don’t. You don’t know shit about my life, so you better fuck off.”

“I only want to help, Dean. I know you-“

“I don’t need your fucking help, Cas. How many times do I have to tell you? You can help this damn Metatron of yours if you wanna help someone, but leave _me_ alone.”

“Father Metatron is not-“

“I know about your powers, Cas. And everything you did with them. And maybe you _are_ dangerous. I bet Dad died because _you_ tried to ‘help’ him! This is _all_ your fault, Castiel, so don’t think I will ever forgive you!”

“Please, Dean. That is not true. Let me help you. I am _able_ to help you, and-“ Castiel stepped closer and gently put his hand on his shoulder, but Dean flung it off.

“Stay the fuck away from me. Do you _really_ think I need you? Well, surprise, I don’t!” He growled angrily.

“I _care_ about you, Dean. Please, I-“ Castiel pleaded.

“Well, _I_ don’t care about _you_. And _nobody_ cares that you’re broken, Cas.”

Dean saw only a glimpse of the watery blue eyes before Castiel stood up and walked wearily to the door. His shoulders sagged forward as if tired from a long hike. Leaving the pie and all the ingredients on the table, he let himself out the door without looking back or saying anything.

Dean stood and walked sullenly around the room. Cursing, he swept his arm across the table and sent all of the baking ingredients flying.

Wrappings broke open, eggs smashed, plastic containers ricocheted off the wall, and in seconds the bright white living room looked bombed. Sticky molasses and egg whites coated his shoes as Dean picked up the cherry pie and flung it hard at the white door. “The pie tasted horrible!” He shouted. “And you are just a _freak_!”


	15. Illusion of Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he came near Cas, it was like his entire body was betraying him. But if that was the big problem, if it was just that, he’d have given up for good by now. He wasn’t a damn slave to his own biology.
> 
> No, the problem was that he liked Cas. The guy who cared for him, who helped his father, even when he knew what he had done. 
> 
> He wanted to know Cas. He wanted to unravel his expansion-pack because he seemed interesting, unexpectedly deadpan hilarious, and unconsciously gorgeous. Because that guy made the best damn pie of the universe, and wanted to help him when he was being distant.

_Farewell conflicting hopes and fears_

_Where lights and shades alternate dwell._

_How bright the unchanging morn appears._

_Farewell inconstant world._

Dean didn’t know that the heavens would open up to weep over John Winchester’s memory so much when the clouds had decided to take a dump on everyone who showed up for his funeral.

The autumn rain that had been threatening to fall since dawn finally mixed with the ash cover of the day. As they stood in front of Mary Winchester’s tombstone at the cemetery, John Winchester’s name now engraved above hers, Dean knew he  _should_ do the romantic and the optimistic thing and think that it was great that they were finally together again. But thinking that was bullshit.

His parents were just stuck in the ground in the same damn place, a memorial to a senseless tragedy. And that was what his life would come down to too, in the end. Except for the partner, of course. Dean didn’t _deserve_ that.

There was no one to blame for John’s death but him. It was just the inevitable conclusion of a downward spiral that had been going on since the death of his mother, and hit terminal velocity a few years ago.

Dean was the sole pallbearer. Of course he was, the cremation casket was a damn metal air-tight capsule, no bigger than a mason jar, filled with everything that was his father, seared down to its base components. He slid it into the base of the tombstone and then he put the brass plate engraved with a cross over it.

After they left, someone from the funeral home would come drill it into place, and that was it. That was the actual burial. Everything else was just some cookie-cutter words from a random funeral-home provided minister.

Dean stood in the rain as he looked at his mother and father’s gravestone for one last time, while the cemetery workers packed away the awning efficiently in their wake. As he watched, the gray viscous rain started to fall onto the now exposed stone.

 

***

 

They made it off the turnpike and through downtown before Sam’s contemplative silence finally broke.

His brother had learned to grieve from him and from their father’s almost militaristic parenting, and that meant bottling things up. But the problem was that his little brother had apparently picked up ‘talking things out’ somewhere along the way, and Dean swore that Stanford had only encouraged that bad habit.

“You’re not going back for dinner with us, are you?” He asked.

Dean shrugged, non-committal, and used the excuse of driving to keep his eyes away from his little brother.  “I’m not hungry.”

Sam stared at him as if that was the scariest sentence ever uttered by a man, like he was ready to tell him to pull over so they could hug it out, like he was planning to take all sharp objects away from Dean before he did something stupid. Because clearly missing one meal was enough to mean he had gone off the deep end.

“I’m fine, Sammy. Why don’t you just ask whatever it is you wanted me alone for? We’re going to be there in a minute.” He said.

Sam huffed. “Are you really putting a time limit on any potential conversation, Dean?”

“In theory we’re supposed to talk on the phone at least every week, so for now, yeah. Damn right I am. Tick friggin’ tock.” 

His brother sighed loudly and hunched into himself in the passenger seat. “Just think about your future, Dean. Find yourself a partner, get married, have children. I don’t care, just be happy.” Sam paused to breathe. “There you go. Within a few seconds. Tick friggin’ tock.” He proudly said with a smile on his face, and Dean tried to hide his own. His brother was such a dumbass sometimes.

He half-waved goodbye as Sam drove away, standing beside his car, his baby. He hesitated before he drove directly to the large house he had visited yesterday. The white house with the magazine-like interior. The house he had ruined yesterday. Castiel’s house.

He parked his car in the parking lot in front of the house, stepped outside and after a moment he found her bumper with his shoe. He climbed up onto her hood, the ease of familiarity thrown off by the slippery material beneath him until he found his usual perch.

What the fuck was he going to do now?

 

***

 

“Excuse me, you did _what_?!” Naomi yelled as she stepped closer to him. 

Castiel flinched as she rose her hand. “I- I told Metatron I have my doubts about his plans.” He said quickly.

“Why would you do such a thing, Castiel?!”

He swallowed. “Gabriel told me he believes that-“

“Oh, please. _Gabriel_?” His stepmother’s laughter was filled with sarcasm. “He _left_ us, Castiel. He left _you_. Why would you even want to talk to him again?”

“Because he is my brother.” He said sternly.

“And I am your mother.” She hissed back.

“But you are on _his_ side.” Castiel was shouting now, and he immediately backed off as he noticed the tone he was using to talk to her.

“Aren’t _you_ , then? Are you rebelling against us, Castiel?”

Rebelling? Was that the correct word for it? _Was_ he rebelling against this side of his family? The side that had hurt him in too many ways, but also made sure that he didn’t hurt anybody? The side that told him to do something against his will, but also avoided that he was using his powers to make others obey?

Why was he even talking about _sides_? They were a _family._ They were supposed to love each other, to be there for each other, to be _one_.

“I don’t think that is the correct word for it.“

“And what about Michael and Lucifer? And Samandriel?” Naomi said. “They are on our side too.”

“Samandriel also thinks Father Metatron is wrong.”

Naomi’s eyes widened. “Wha- How did he… I-“ She stumbled. She was searching for the words, but they didn’t come.

“Yes?” Castiel asked, trying to look as innocent as possible.

On the inside he was smiling. What could his mother bring against this? Samandriel had always been her favorite son, and everyone in their family knew that. He always got the most presents at Christmas, she always gave him the largest cookies and she _always_ told him she loved him.

“I- You…” She cleared her throat. “You made him believe that with your powers.”

Castiel froze. “What?”

“Yes. You’re _manipulating_ him. He can’t think straight anymore.”

“How?” Castiel asked suspiciously, tilting his head slightly to the left. “Since when am I able to manipulate what people think?”

“I don’t know, but Father Metatron told me everything about it this morning. You are _dangerous_ if you don’t learn to control your powers, Castiel.”

So Father Metatron had told her about that, too. So that meant that he was at start again. They knew about his powers, his thoughts, his brothers, his past… They knew everything about him. His mother and Metatron knew all of his secrets.

Well, not _all_ of his secrets. They didn’t know about _Dean_ , of course. Dean, with his green eyes and his beautiful lips. Dean, with his bowed legs and his freckles. _Dean_.

Only the thought of him already made Castiel smile.

And he should be happy, actually. His mother could have been _angry_ with him, she could have _humiliated_ him, she could have _hit_ him. Castiel was _lucky_ his mother reacted this calmly.

“I am sorry, Mother.“

“That’s why you should stay with _us._ We can help you with your gift, and in that way nobody gets hurt. Okay, Castiel?” She smiled. It sent shivers up to his spine, but it wasn’t the same feeling Dean’s smile gave him. This smile made him feel cold and maybe even a little scared.

“I- I do not…”

“Castiel!” His mother’s voice sounded angry.

He should say yes. What could he even do about this? Everything his mother said was true, and he didn’t want to hurt anyone. He would rather die than hurt an innocent person. And what would he lose if he just obeyed another time? He had been doing it all his life, so another time was nothing compared to that. He hadn’t planned on disobeying, anyway.

“Yes, Mother.”

 

***

 

He watched cars splash through the puddles on the street outside of Castiel’s apartment, tires throwing out the water as he tried to gather his thoughts, anchoring himself on the familiar shape of his Impala beneath him.

Car keys and cell phone. They were sitting next to him like a decision, a choice, not just possessions he carried around every day. He rubbed the pad of his thumb along the edge of his key, and the dips and curves of it, thinking. Then he reached for his phone, bringing up the contact list, his thumb hovering over the entry Castiel had put in for himself. As a blatant invitation, every possible way he could contact Castiel laid out in front of him.

He could just leave. Use the keys, take the car, and get out of Castiel’s life the way he should have when he had left his house yesterday. But he could _call_ too. He could ask if he can come in again, then apologize, and after that maybe try to figure out what it was that kept drawing them back together.

Sam thought he should be planning on having a future? He couldn’t even figure out what the fuck he was doing in the present.

His finger hovered over the Call button, but he changed his mind at the last moment and took the coward’s route. It was fitting. After all, he was sitting on a car on the damn guy’s parking lot instead of going up to his door.

There were only two feasible outcomes if he went to Cas. Either he would be brought back in the rain, and then he would just go on with whatever happened without thinking about what the fuck actually was going on, or would finally be turned away like the fuckup he was.

Dean sighed. He had to know first. He had to figure things out with enough distance that he could protect himself.

 _[_ _You_ _3.57: Im sorry about yesterday. You up for a talk?]_

He hit send on the text before he could second-guess himself again, and laid back on the car, eyes closed, legs stretched out along her hood, and head against her windshield, resting the cell phone on his chest.

He tried to keep his head clear, tried to let it all bleed away, but it wasn’t going well. His mind was racing, concocting every possible response from Cas, ranging from dismissive to mocking to something _worse_.

When the phone buzzed against his chest he kept his hands steady as he turned it over to see the glowing screen, and he had to blink at the simple response, trying to make sense of it for a moment.

 _[ **C**_ ** _astiel Novak_** _4.01: Why?]_

Four characters. Castiel gave him four fucking characters to work off of, a text with no damn inflection. Dean smiled as he could imagine Castiel’s head tilt. He thought it was the cutest thing ever.

 _[ **Y**_ ** _ou_ ** _4.02: Its complicated. Can I come in to talk?]_

Castiel’s response was quick, buzzing the phone in Dean’s hands before he even had the opportunity to put it back down. Castiel had to be staring at his phone, waiting for Dean’s messages. It was terrifying to think that what he said matters that much to anyone, but still a familiar warmth started to grow in his chest.

_[ **Castiel Novak** 4.02: Do you want that?]_

Dean wasn’t completely stupid. Just because he didn’t want to acknowledge it didn’t mean that he hadn’t figured out that they were apparently so ‘compatible’ that every time he got near Cas his brain short-circuited.

He had been staring into the guy’s fucking eyes before he even knew his first name, he had talked to him about his damn problems when he should’ve pushed him away. And Cas… hell, Dean _knew_  he was fucking up _his_ life even more.

When he came near Cas, it was like his entire body was betraying him. But if that was the big problem _,_ if it was just _that_ , he’d have given up for good by now. He wasn’t a damn slave to his own biology.

No, the problem was that he _liked_   _Cas_ _._ The guy who cared for him, who helped his father, even when he knew what he had done.

He wanted to know Cas. He wanted to unravel his expansion-pack because he seemed interesting, unexpectedly deadpan hilarious, and unconsciously gorgeous. Because that guy made the best damn pie of the universe, and wanted to help him when he was being distant.

The guy whose cheeks flushed pink at the drop of a dime. The guy who always stuttered through awkward conversations, but was secretly a quiet badass who had issues with bullies in the past and with his own family and church right now.

He couldn’t understand the kind of faith that would make someone a toy of an douchebag-priest, but Dean respected it, and maybe even envied it a bit. Dean knew that Castiel was highly religious. He knew what that meant. Castiel was probably still a virgin too-

Hell, Dean already wanted to teach him how great sex could be, and he wanted to crawl into bed with him every night and wrap his arms around him, and be held in return.

So, from his perspective… Of damn course he wanted to enter Cas’ house again. What didn’t he want from him?

But what would Cas be getting out of that? A broken, used up guy so terrified of being close to someone that he had no idea of how to be someone’s boyfriend. A man who carried so many scars that there wasn’t any chance of him being capable of anything healthy, who in the course of a few days had managed to irreparably screw up Cas’ life already.

Thunder rumbled and the rain was falling in earnest now, but it was cleaner. Now it was just a normal storm, settling in to drench them all and wash away the ash. The message on his screen had sat long enough for the phone to go dark, and he had to unlock it again to answer. He felt bad for making Cas wait.

 _[_ ** _You_ ** _4.14: You shouldnt want me.]_

Somehow, he knew not to even bother putting his phone down. The answer came so quickly that it seemed to ride on top of his own, the answer popping up beneath his message, the vibrating phone buzzing in his cupped hands.

 _[_ ** _Castiel Novak_** _4.15: I should. And I do.]_

Cas was one helluva genius. With a sigh of relief and still the heat burning in his body Dean let his thumbs fly across the keys on the screen, typing and sending his reply.

_[ **You**_ _4.15: Cas I have no idea what Im doing.]_

And with that timid confession, Dean knew their friendship was going to be a huge mistake. He knew there was no chance that this was going to work out for either of them. This was going to end badly. Dean was going to get invested, start to care, and it was going to shred him and fuck up Cas.

There was no happy ending to his story. No more than there had been for his father. He was just not built for it.

 _[_ ** _Castiel Novak_ ** _4.15: Neither do I. We will figure it out.]_

It was a promise, but not necessarily one Cas could keep. The intent behind it, though, was still warm and comforting, a hope of acceptance and comfort, and he wanted to wrap himself in it the way he was cupping the phone between his hands, as if he could hug Cas through the tiny screen of his phone. But he wasn’t expecting it to buzz again so soon, not when he hadn’t responded yet.

_[ **Castiel Novak** 4.16: Are you going to come upstairs now?}_

Dean squinted at the screen suspiciously, and then huffed. Again that one moment of genuine, hard-won humor was enough to shake off the fears. He responded quickly.

_[ **You** 4.17: Are you watching me Cas?]_

It would explain the speed of the responses, and he swore he could hear the distant buzz of a vibrating phone now that he was listening for it past the sound of the rain. Cas was sitting on the stairs up to his apartment, and he was watching him.

_[ **Castiel Novak** 4.17: Would you leave if I said yes?]_

Dean tried to hold back his laughter, knowing Castiel could see and hear it. He typed his response as lightning cracked with thunder fast on its heels, but he didn’t jump and was smiling at his screen.

_[ **You** 4.17: Yes.]_

Dean held his breath as he looked over to Castiel and saw his facial expression. He was looking _sad_. Why was he sad? He knew this was a joke. Right?

Fuck. So it hadn’t been hard-won humor. Castiel had been _serious._ This was why he didn’t like texting. It made Dean’s heart ache to see his friend like this, and he wanted to send something back, but before he could type a reply his phone was  already buzzing.

_[ **Castiel Novak** 4.18: No, I am not watching you.]_

When Dean looked up to glance at him, he saw that Castiel had gotten up and looked ready to climb the stairs. He was actually getting _inside_.

Panic started to grow inside of him, and Dean was sure he’d never typed this fast in his life.

_[ **You** 4.18: Come back I was joking dude.]_

On the background there was a splash of footsteps through puddles, but Dean was too focussed to notice. He got the buzz of a response and looked to that rather than try to place the direction of the footsteps.

_[ **Castiel Novak** 4.18: You should look up now.]_

And then Castiel was standing right before him. In the short walk from the stairs to the carport he had managed to become soaked, and rain water had saturated the cuffs of his pajama pants from sitting on the concrete walkway. “Hello Dean.”  He said dryly.

Without thinking Dean jumped off of his car and flung his arms around Castiel, pulling the warm and solid body against his own. It felt good. It felt really, _really,_ good.

There was something primal and beautiful about an autumn storm, setting the little hairs on Dean’s arms standing up, and as fragile and new as whatever he had with Castiel was, it felt like they were protecting each other against the elements now.

“Erm… Dean? What are you doing?”

The moment these words made their way into his ears, Dean realised what he was doing. He immediately let go of Castiel and stepped backward, nearly stumbling over his own feet.

“I- I dunno. I shouldn’t have- I…” He mumbled as he scratched the back of his head.

“It is okay, Dean. It was not bad.”

 _Fuck. Don’t blush. Don’t blush. Don’t-_ And there it was. He was blushing, great. This guy just made Dean Winchester blush. He sighed in defeat as he sat back on his baby again.

“And… Yeah, I guess I should be sorry for your living room too. And for hurting you in ways I shouldn’t have.”

“Oh. Yes, thank you, Dean. I am sorry too.” Castiel said softly as he clambered up next to him onto the car, and Dean shifted to make room.

After a short silence he huffed. “We’re pretty fucked up, you know.” Dean said, and Cas shrugged slightly, not denying it but not bothered by it, either.

“Maybe a little unorthodox. My apologies for staring. I saw Sam pull away and I was worried you were going to disappear again.”

“Thought about it.” Dean admitted.

“That is completely understandable. I should not have asked you about your past. And-” Castiel paused, lips pursing slightly, and Dean could tell he was more hurt than he was letting on about being hurt again. “You could have told me that you wanted to be left alone, Dean. I would have respected your wishes. You did not have to… say any of _that_ , just to get rid of me.”

Castiel had a point, and he knew it. But Cas was also wrong about a part of it, too, and Dean needed him to understand. “I never really like to be alone. But I just didn’t want to bother you. I like being with you, but you have enough on your mind already.”

Castiel blushed. And was fucking adorable.

“I will always have time for you when you need me, Dean. And I will always come when you call.” Castiel shifted in place when he realized how Dean was looking at him, and closed his eyes. “I mean. . .”

Dean snorted in amusement, and it disappeared into the sound of the storm. The lightning cracked almost on top of them, so bright that it left an after-image burned on Dean’s eyes when he blinked.

“Should’ve left earlier yesterday. But I keep invading your life, and I just…” Another thunder clap cracked, and it may have startled him a bit. “Son of a bitch! Fucking-“

“If it makes you more comfortable, we could-” Cas reached past him on the car, smoothly scooping up Dean’s keys and sliding off of the car in one swift movement.

Dean blinked in surprise, picking up his jacket and his phone, and by the time he slid off of the car Castiel was already opening the door and then ducking into the dark interior of the Impala.

Dean followed him in, sliding onto the drivers seat and closing the door behind him.

“You are not invading, Dean. I really enjoy the time you spend with me.” Castiel continued as they were both settled inside.

Dean laughed at that, but on the inside he was melting away. Cas liked being around _him_ too. “Good. Me too, Cas.” He admitted.

“So we could say we are friends?” Castiel asked expectantly.

“Yeah, sure. We’re friends from now on.”

Everything was cool blues, the lights of the carport and the flashes of lightning through the thin tarp, and gave it the sense of being underwater, narrowing the world down around them. It was quite comforting, the leathery smell and the familiarity of this car, and it grounded Cas in his life to have him here, sitting next to him.


	16. Order Through Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course. That damn question again. Why did people always think he was gay? He wasn’t. Women were way too beautiful to ignore, so why would he like boys? There were a few men that weren’t that bad, though. Like- He swallowed. 
> 
> Like _Castiel_. He was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen. Okay, and maybe- _Maybe_ he would prefer Castiel to most girls, but that didn’t mean that he was gay, okay? Because he _wasn’t_ gay. Only the thought of it made him laugh. Dean Winchester. Gay.

Sam hoped that after the funeral Dean would shut down everything that had something to do with their father. He knew there was only a little chance that such a thing would happen, but Sam had hope.

It had been obvious that John’s state had hit Dean the hardest of all, and Sam knew that his actual death would ruin him. But except for last Friday, his brother hadn’t looked _that_ bad. Not that he didn’t look bad at all, but Sam had seen worse than that. It had been just a normal, official mourning.

Sam was already tired of all of the sadness. His father had been a cantankerous old man, gambling his son’s well-earned income and selling his own belongings for alcohol money.

But _still_ he was supposed to wear black and look sad. He just didn't want to. Sure, he was going to miss his dad, but it wasn’t _that_ bad he wasn’t here anymore. His father had never really been there for them. And this way he couldn’t do any more harm to himself, or even better, he couldn’t do any more harm to _others_.

This felt far more like an occasion for bunting and cake. But no. The only person he would successfully punish with those actions was his brother. And he had suffered enough already, so Sam had pulled on his black suit. There was no getting around this one. And if he thought of the pile of homework he had to do after everything was done, it shouldn't be too hard to look unhappy.

But once he was back in his car and dropped off his elder brother after the funeral, he removed the black jacket to reveal the plain white blouse he was wearing underneath, and turned on the radio. The soft tunes of _Imagine_ sounded through his car, and that made him even happier.

The song made him think of the one that sang it over and over. It made him think of long, loose, golden curls, bright white teeth hidden behind scarlet red lips, amazingly soft peachy cheeks and her rare blueish-green hazel eyes. It made him think of _Jessica_.

The daydream of his girlfriend didn’t last long. The moment he drove past the old church, the red-haired girl on his left signalled him to stop. So he pulled over and stepped out of the car, and the moment he could see her face more clearly he recognized the girl as Anna. And she didn’t look happy to see him.

After she had looked around to check if anybody was around, she stepped closer to him. “Did you hear what your genius brother did?” She hissed.

“Ermm… You should ask what he _didn’t_ do, actually.” Sam joked, but Anna’s face remained cold and serious.

“I’m talking about what he did to _Castiel.”_ She snapped, crossing her arms. ”Do you even know what he made my little brother do?!” Sam swallowed. He had no clue.

“He made Castiel go to Father Metatron. He made Castiel think that he should stop being there for us. He made Castiel turn against us! His own family! _That’s_ what he did!” She shouted angrily.

Sam clenched his jaw and looked around nervously. Everyone was staring at them, probably questioning themselves what the hell was going on.

“Calm down a bit, Anna. There are others here!” He hissed through clenched teeth. “Do you wanna get into the car and talk there? I’m sure that would-“

“Oh, no!” She laughed sarcastically. “There’s no way I’m getting close to any of the Winchesters after all the pain you’ve caused.”

“Wait… Is this about the breakup?” Sam asked suspiciously.

“How _dare_ you bring that up now! Of course it isn’t! I don’t careabout your brother, I only care about my family.”

Oh, please. The Milton-family and their special bond. He _knew_ they cared about each other and he _knew_ they were protective, so he didn’t have to hear about their closeness every day. After the first time he had already been tired of it.

Sam sighed. “Okay, do you want to add anything else? Or can I go now?”

“You’re all a bunch of alcoholics unable to love and forgive. Only _seeing_ you makes me want to throw up. I hope you all burn in Hell for what you’ve done.” She shouted before turning around and leaving Sam alone in the middle of strangers that were staring at him with wide-opened eyes.

A heavy silence was settled over them, thicker than the uneasy tension in the atmosphere. His unsettled eyes glanced unceremoniously around and tried to avoid catching the other glances that passed by. Even the kids that were sitting on a picnic bench shifted uncomfortably in their seat and grasped their hands under the table.

Sam felt that his face was turning redder and redder, so he climbed back into his car, clumsily bumping his head against the metal roof, and drove back home as quickly as he could.

This was _so_ embarrassing. What exactly did Dean do to make Anna _this_ angry?

If this _was_ about the breakup too, how did his brother end his relationship? Did he insult her? Did he just left her? Did he cheat on her?

He just didn’t believe this was only about Castiel. Dean knew that it would be best for Castiel just to follow his own path, and not listen to anything that was told him, and Sam knew that too. But he had thought that Anna thought about that the same way, but apparently not.

Shit. What if Castiel and Dean had been fighting? What if his brother didn’t even _like_ Castiel? Why had he even left Dean alone with him? What if this all was _his_ fault?

Every possible answer was ghosting around in his head, telling him to just _call Dean_ and ask his brother himself. He _knew_ he had been holding something back. It wasn’t normal that his brother was this quiet during a drive. He didn’t even turn on the _radio,_ for God’s sake.

But Dean already had a shitty day, and Sam knew bringing this up would make it worse. So he decided to go see his brother tomorrow, after both of them had cooled down a little bit.

 

***

 

Again Dean woke up from his ringtone; _Back In Black_ sounded through his bedroom, loud and rough, just the way he liked it. He yawned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before grasping the phone from his nightstand and unlocking the screen. To his surprise it wasn’t his brother who had been calling him most of the times. This time it was an anonymous caller.

Color drained from his face as he realised this could be anyone. Sure, this could be a wrong call. But it could also be a murderer who had kidnapped his brother and asking a ransom.  He didn’t know. The fact that he couldn’t prepare himself made him feel anxious.

“H-Hello?” He stammered as he picked up. “Who is this?”

“Am I talking to Dean Winchester?” The obviously distorted, low voice sounded through the phone. Dean’s heart was pounding in his chest now.

He swallowed before he took courage and scraped his throat. He could handle this. He had dealt with all kinds of people in the past, so why would a random stranger be any different? “Yeah. Who is this?” He asked more confidently this time.

“This is agent B speaking. We are glad to inform you about a particular case.”

Was this supposed to be a joke? A _case_? Please.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said sternly.

“And that is what makes it fun.”

Dean sighed. He didn’t have time for this. “You know what’s even funnier? Me hanging up the phone if you don’t tell me what the fuck this is about.” He growled.

“Geez, Dean! Why do you have to be so serious?” A unfamiliar voice of a girl answered this time. On the background he heard the giggle of another girl.

“Who the heck is this?” He snarled.

“Gimme that phone, dammit! What if he hangs up?” He heard the other, slightly familiar voice say. “Dean! Relax, it’s us! Jo and Charlie!” And indeed, it was obviously Jo who was talking now.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” He mumbled. “But why that damn voice? You scared the shit outta me, you know?”

“That’s way cooler, duh.” The other girl, Charlie, said.

“Sure.” He huffed. “But did you wake me for a reason, or just to fuck with me?”

“We wanted to ask if you already have plans for today.” Jo asked.

“Actually, I don’t. But why-?” He was cut off by Charlie.

“You wanna watch Star Trek with us?” She asked cheerily.

He hesitated before he answered. Did they woke him up just to ask if he wanted to watch a movie with them? He didn’t even _know_ Charlie yet. But okay, Star Trek sounded nice. And this way he could finally meet Jo’s girlfriend.

“Ermm… Sure…?” He said slowly.

“Hell yeah! See, Charlie? I told you he would come!” Jo cheered.

“But wait… I’m not gonna be the third wheel all the time, right?” He asked.

Both of them burst out in laughter. “Nah, you’ll be fine.” Charlie assured him.

He already started to feel excited. Which was obviously stupid, because he was only going to be watching a damn movie with one of his friends and her girlfriend. Nothing special.

But this was finally a chance to escape reality and forget about everything that happened for a little. And Dean was sure he was going to have fun with them, so why the hell wouldn’t he accept their offer?

“Okay then. When and where?”

“Around 2, at my place?” Jo asked, excitement also clearly audible in her voice.

“But that’s one helluva drive, man!” Dean complained. “I gotta drive all the way back afterwards!”

“You can just stay the night and go home tomorrow. You okay with that?” Jo offered, causing the other to giggle in the background.

“Sleepin’ with 2 beautiful girls, _and_ watching Star Trek? I ain’t complaining at all.” He teased.

“You haven’t even _seen_ me yet, dumbass.” Charlie yelled through the phone.

“But she’s reeaalllyy beautiful, Dean.” Jo said, and Dean could hear quiet kiss and a muffled giggle.

“Ugh, I’m at least gonna throw up twice if you’re already talking to each other like this.”

“You’re gonna be _fine_ , Dean!” Charlie said once more.

“Yeah, yeah. I get it. But I gotta get my things right now, okay?” He laughed. “See you both soon!”

“Bye Dean!” They said before he hung up the phone and started to collect his stuff.

Man, he could definitely use a movie night right now.

 

***

 

“Why don’t you come with us next time then?” Charlie asked as she poured in another drink.

“Because I don’t want every damn cosplayer to think we’re a threesome.” He said as he jumped back on the couch, a bowl filled with fresh popped popcorn in his hands.

“Oh, no. That’d be horrible. What if people think you’re _different_?” Charlie said with a high-pitched voice.

“What if people think you’re friends with two lesbians?” Jo laughed as she claimed the seat next to him.

“Eh. I don’t really care about that.” He admitted. “It’s quite cool, actually.”

 “And that’s what makes _you_ cool, Dean.” Jo said proudly as she reached for the remote. “But now sshhh, time for the next one!”

Dean had already seen _The Wrath Of Khan_ multiple times, but it was still a pleasure to watch. They talked a little at the beginning, but once the movie had really started they watched it in complete silence. But when they had watched about the first half, Charlie suddenly paused it without saying anything. She turned to face Dean and only then he noticed the smirk that had appeared on her face.

“Jo… Why is she smiling like that? I dunno what I should think about it and I definitely don’t like it at all.” He laughed, but when the silence remained the laugh turned into an awkward half-smile.

“What is it?!” He said louder, obviously more serious this time.

“Do you want us to ask it straightforwardly or do you like subtlety?” Jo asked as she wiggled her eyebrows.

“Just ask me, goddammit!” He laughed.

The girls glanced at each other before Charlie spoke up. “Are you gay, Dean?”

Of course. _That_ damn question again. Why did people always think he was gay? He _wasn’t_. Women were way too beautiful to ignore, so why would he like boys? There were a few men that weren’t that bad, though. Like- He swallowed.

Like _Castiel._ He was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen. Okay, and maybe- Maybe he would prefer Castiel to most girls, but that didn’t mean that he was gay, okay? Because he _wasn’t_ gay _._ Only the thought of it made him laugh. Dean Winchester. Gay.

But the laugh he had planned came out way more awkwardly and soft. It nearly sounded like a _giggle_.

“No! Why’d you think that?” He said, lowering his gaze to hide the redness of his face. “Why’d I be gay?”

“Dean, I recognize a gay when I see one.” Charlie said, pride audible in her words.

Dean felt that he turned even redder and looked up, only to see both of them staring at him with a broad smile on their faces.

“I said _no,_ goddammit! Hell, why’d you even ask if it’s a yes for you, even when I say _no_?!” He shouted angrily.

Fucking idiots. He _didn’t_ like Castiel, he _wasn’t_ gay for him, he wasn’tgay for _anybody_. He. Wasn’t. Gay.

- _Right_? He didn’t like boys. That just couldn’t be. His dad had always told him that he couldn’t imagine a girl would be interested enough to marry him. But he had always told him and Sam that he was happy they weren’t _faggots_. His dad _hated_ all those gay kids, and he said he’d beat them to shit if they ever crossed his path.

Luckily Dean wasn’t interested in boys. Luckily he wasn’t gay. _Right_?

God, why was he even _considering_ it? That meant that he wasn’t sure. Oh, great. What if he _was_ gay?

“Dean, let’s be honest here. I know you’re having-“ Jo started, but he cut her off.

“Stop talking about it. Just- Just stop it, okay?” He said suddenly as he hid his face in his hands. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” He mumbled.

“Okay, lemme help you then. Do you like girls?” Jo asked bluntly.

“Yes.” He said almost immediately.

“Okay.” She said. “And do you like boys?”

“M-Maybe…? I dunno, I-“

“Why don’t you know?” Charlie asked as she grabbed her drink and offered it to him. “Have you ever liked a guy? Do you like a guy right at this moment?”

“I- I think I do. I mean…” He muttered. Why was he talking about this? Now they were immediately assuming he _was_ into dudes.

“Who is it? Is it that guy you met in the bar a few days ago?!” Jo asked excitedly.

“No, it’s- No! It’s… This other guy. I’ve known him for a few days only, but- Hell he’s really beautiful and caring and smart and-“ Dean felt his cheeks burning with embarrassment, and he let out a nervous chuckle.

Luckily Charlie and Jo were smiling now too, because otherwise it would’ve been even more awkward.

 “So you like him! Cool! Finally something exciting to talk about!” Charlie shouted as she jumped up from the couch and ran into the kitchen.

“Geez, Charlie! I think you should just shout it even louder!” Jo said as she gently rubbed his shoulder. “It’s okay, Dean. A little gay is okay!”

“Oh, god. I knew you’d use that one, you know that?” He replied nervously.

“Hah! You don’t deny it!” Charlie sang as she ran back into the room with a tray of cupcakes.

“Not confirming it, either.” He murmured softly before his eyes fell on the pink heart-cupcake that Charlie placed in front of him on the table. “Oh, come on! Really?!”

“What? I think you should appreciate the special happy come-out day cupcake I made for you!” Charlie said as she stuck a candle in the cupcake and lit it.

“But… I don’t- How did you know…?” He stammered as Charlie pressed it in his hands.

“Jo told me about you, and we kinda figured it together.” Charlie started.

Jo laughed at that. “Dude, the way you talked about that new friend of yours? It wasn’t _that_ hard to notice. We just made a little plan to make you come out a little easier.”

“I’m _not_ coming out! I am _not_ -“

“Sshhh… It’s okay, Dean. Enjoy your little cake!” Charlie said as she literally pressed the cake into his face. “Eat, my child. Eat!”

“Jesus fucking _Christ_ Charlie!” Dean laughed as he slapped her arm away and tried to wipe the butter cream off his face. “Jo, how the hell are you still alive? I’d die if I had to be with this monster for more than three days a week.”

“Charlie, calm down!” Jo giggled as she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and fell on the couch with her. “I gotcha. Now breathe in, and out.”

“I’m just happy you’re in love, Dean!” Charlie teased as she stroked his leg with her foot. “My little boy is growing up!”

“You’ve only known me for a few hours, man!” Dean said as he pushed away her feet. “And can we just watch that damn movie? That’s why _I_ was here, after all.”

“Sure. Whatever you want, Princess.” Charlie giggled as she grabbed the remote from the table. “But you gotta admit that it wasn’t that hard to come out. And… Our next movie night you’re bringing your prince.”

“Okay, okay. It wasn’t. Thanks for helping me.” He said shyly before clearing his throat. “Now shut up about it, okay? And don’t you dare tell Sammy or anybody else!”

“Of course we won’t!” Jo assured him as she grasped the remote out of her girlfriend’s hands, and after being frozen for nearly half an hour, the Spock on the screen started talking again.


	17. Blurring the Lines Between Virtue and Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel never wore a watch. He hated the time. It only caused you to stress, to miss meetings and even worse, to think about the past. About the pain that was over. About the pain that was written inside your skull. About the pain that could come in the _future_.  
>  The forest didn’t care for seconds or minutes. Even hours were inconsequential. The smallest measure of time here was the cycle of daylight and darkness. And even then the forest was more in tuned with the seasons.  
> Rebirth brought by the comfortable warmth of spring, darkened foliage from a gentle summer's kiss, the onset of a rainy fall, and then the keen bite of a freezing winter. Here in the forest so little could happen in the time it took for him to change from a child into a man, to gain and lose so much.

The black Chevrolet Impala cruised down the freeway, travelling south. Dean was sitting in the driver’s seat of his baby, pulling on to the highway and relaxing in to the drive.

He was used to drive alone, but a few years ago Dean couldn’t imagine driving without Sam sitting next to him. This had been their home for a long time, and his car still _felt_ like home _._ Dean smiled as he gently brushed a hand over his baby’s dash. He and his brother had almost grown up in here. She’d always been their own personal little sanctuary. Safe.

His father had bought the car when he got engaged to his mom. When their house burned down, this had been the only home they had left. Dad had always been on the road with him and Sam, driving around the country, finding odd jobs and dropping them off at the shitty motels.

Being in the Impala was a relief. He and Sam had both learned how to drive her, had their first kisses in her, had their first… lot of things in her. Dean huffed at the memory of Sam’s face as Dean caught him in the Impala with his first girlfriend. He smiled and shook his head, before he continued to think about his baby.

He had always loved this car, and he took good care of her. She contained some of the only good memories he had left of his dad.

Dean bit his lip. He wasn’t up for another hour of thinking about his Dad, so he needed some distraction. He turned his head to look outside, and he watched the sun dance across the sky as he drove, the trees creating patterns with their shadows as they stretched into the car. After a while he grabbed one of his cassettes and popped it into the player, so that he could listen to some music until he arrived at his home.

 

***

 

The moment Dean could see his house, his eyes fell on a figure that was standing in front of his door. He quickly parked his baby as close to his home as possible, and made his way to the stranger.

But to his surprise it wasn’t a stranger at all. He vaguely recognized the much shorter male with golden brown hair, curling just at the base of his neck and at the tips of his ears. The man turned around and gave him a narrow golden-eyed look.

“Gabriel?” He called as he walked closer to Castiel’s half-brother. “The hell are you doin’ here?!”

“I’m wondering what your side of the story is.” Gabriel said as a crooked smile appeared on his face. “I’ve heard a lot about you lately, Deano.”

“And how did you find me?” He asked as he pulled the keys out of his pocket and walked to his front door.

“Helloooo…! I live with that moose of a brother of yours, dumbass. He gave me your address.”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know that? Sammy never tells _me_ anything.” Dean growled. He swayed the door open and gestured the other man to get in. “Come on in then, stalker.”

“Thanks, bro.” Gabriel said while he stepped inside. “Nice house you have here.”

Dean sighed. “Quit the sweet-talk. What the fuck is all the fuss about?”

“Okay, so long story short, I told Cassie to tell Metatron to go fuck himself, and now Anna thinks you’re the one who made him do it.” Gabriel answered with an innocent smile on his face.

“What?! I didn’t do shit!” Dean growled in response. “So everyone in that fucked-up family of yours believes I forced Cas to do that?”

“Yup.” Gabriel replied dryly as he jumped on the couch. “But what I don’t understand is how the friggity fuck you made her think that.”

“I-“ Dean paused as he rubbed his face with his hand. “I kinda broke up with her.”

“Ouchh…” Gabriel mouthed. “No wonder she hates you!”

“I can’t help it! I never wanted a girlfriend, and she-“ Dean paused, knowing he had made a mistake he definitely shouldn’t make when Gabriel was in the same room.

“You want a _boyfriend_ then?” Gabriel said teasingly, causing Dean to freeze. “You know, someone to do gay, manly things with? “ He added with a seducing wiggle of his eyebrows.

“N-No! Gabe, what the hell-“ He stammered as he felt his face turning red _again._ “I’m _not_ gay, if that’s what you mean.”

“Oh, that’s a shame, Deano. Because if you _were_ , I wouldn’t mind it.” He shrugged.

“I’m _not_ gay, goddammit!” Dean growled as anger spat from his eyes.

“Okay, okay! Calm down kiddo, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Dean knitted his brows together, not understanding what Gabriel was trying to say.

“I’m kinda gay myself, so…” Gabriel added casually.

Dean felt his face instantly turn from bright red to white. “You are? I mean- Not that I mind either, but…”

“Yup.” Gabriel said while the corners of his lips curved slightly up again.

So… Gabriel was gay. That was… Unexpected, at least. But how the hell was he being so calm and cool about it? Why wasn’t he stuttering or mumbling? Why wasn’t his face turning all hot and reddish? How was Gabriel always so _confident_? That was something Dean could be jealous about.

Gabriel scraped his throat to draw the attention back to him. “But besides that, we were actually talking about you and my sis.”

Dean sighed. He was so _done_ with this. Hopefully this all would be over soon. “I dunno what’s wrong with her, man. And I really don’t care, either.” He said bluntly.

“Maybe I should offer her a vacation or something. Just to relax for a little while.” Gabriel murmured as he slowly carded his fingers through his hair. “Do you think that’d help?”

Dean huffed. “I dunno. It’s _your_ sister, man!”

“And it was _your_ girlfriend.” Gabriel teased as he wiggled his eyebrows once again.

“Goddammit, Gabe!” He laughed as he hit the other man on his shoulder. “She _never_ was my girlfriend.”

“Sure, Deano.” He said sarcastically.

Actually, being without Anna wasn’t such a bad idea. It would be difficult to reach Castiel if Anna was always protecting him with everything she had, and if she wasn’t here anymore Dean could finally forget about it, and maybe she too.

Gabriel scraped his throat again. “But should I do it, though?”

“I think I’d like some Anna-free time, so…” He joked, but Gabriel kept staring at him without the smile he usually wore on his face. “Yeah! I mean… Yeah, why the hell not? I think she could use that.”

Gabriel’s expression softened. “Alrighty then.” He crossed his arms and sank deeper into the couch, as some sort of  sign that their serious conversation was over.

“Ermm… You want something to drink, or-“

“Heck yeah!” Gabriel cheered suddenly, out of nothing.  “I could definitely use something sugary right now!”

It startled Dean, causing him to wince and Gabriel to laugh hysterically. “Jesus Dean! Calm down, bro!”

Dean smiled awkwardly and mumbled something inaudible as he made his way into the kitchen, pouring a glass of soda for both of them. But his thoughts were with something else.

Should he do it? Should he ask about him? Would it be _weird_ if he asked Gabriel? Sure, he wanted to know how Cas was doing, but asking his stepbrother? Would it be obvious that he cared about him? Would it be obvious that he was in _love_ with him?

Dean sighed as he grabbed the drinks. Fuck it, he wanted to know. And this way was the easiest and the fastest.

“How’s Cas doing, actually?” He asked as casually as possible the moment he walked back into the living room.

“Meh, he’s fine, I guess.” Gabriel answered as Dean placed the glasses on the table and sat down himself. “Haven’t seen him yet, but to me he didn’t look that bad. Why do you ask?”

“I- Erm…” Dean started. “Yesterday we talked a bit, and it seemed like he was kinda… Unsure about some things.”

“Yeah… It’s always been like that. He has some problems with choosing a side.” Gabriel said as he took a sip of his drink. “Whoa! This is surely some good stuff, buddy!”

Dean frowned in confusion. “A side?”

“I mean-“ Gabriel paused. “He doesn’t know if he should listen to my mother and Metatron or if he should listen to himself.”

“Oh.” Dean replied. “But how’s that so hard? I mean, if you ask me, I’d definitely choose for myself. Why the hell would you listen to an abusive stepmother and some sort of douchebag-priest?”

Another silence, but this time is was longer than usual. “How’d you-“ Gabriel stammered. “How do you know about my mother?”

Dean shrugged. “Cas told me once. I knew your mother was a bitch, but I was kinda surprised by it, though.”

“Yeah… That’s why I left, you know? I _hated_ her. Still do, actually.” Gabriel admitted.

“But why does it have to be _Cas_?” Dean asked.

“He’s always been the lone wolf, so to say.” His friend laughed bitterly. “He’s easy to manipulate, eager to obey and his confidence has never been really great.”

“Still. That’s no reason to force the poor guy in some sort of sect.” Dean grumbled.  “He better stays away from that Metadouche and that bitch.”

“Yeah.” Gabriel agreed. “That’d be best. And I think it’s our mission to keep them separated.”

Dean huffed. “Yeah, okay. That’s a deal then.”

Castiel was going to be protected from those who were abusing and manipulating him. _Dean_ was going to protect him. And maybe, _maybe,_ Castiel would like him more and more, until-

Dean swallowed. He shouldn’t be thinking about it. Not about Castiel, not like this. Not now, and not _ever_.

But besides that, Cas was going to be safe. He was going to be happy, whether with or without Dean. He was going to let go of his past and his mother. He was going to forget about the loneliness, the abuse, the pain, and he was never going to see or speak to Metatron again.

 

***

 

Castiel never wore a watch. He hated the time. It only caused you to stress, to miss meetings and even worse, to think about the past. About the pain that was over. About the pain that was written inside your skull. About the pain that could come in the _future_.

The forest didn’t care for seconds or minutes. Even hours were inconsequential. The smallest measure of time here was the cycle of daylight and darkness. And even then the forest was more in tuned with the seasons.

Rebirth brought by the comfortable warmth of spring, darkened foliage from a gentle summer's kiss, the onset of a rainy fall, and then the keen bite of a freezing winter. Here in the forest so little could happen in the time it took for him to change from a child into a man, to gain and lose so much.

Perhaps that is why he loved to be here. It stabilized the rapidity of his thoughts, grounded him in a place where ticking of clocks was unregarded. A place where he could let go of the demands of technology and social lives. Just him, the trees and this exact moment. He only needed to care for the sun's position in the sky. This was like free therapy. A reboot. A reset.

The trees and bushes of low growth had disappeared. Now there was room for some century old cork trees, gigantic mahogany trees, and the acajou, whose long, sombre branches were forming a vaulted roof of dark green, almost seventy feet above his head.

The forest path had grown wider and was stretching in a gentle incline towards a hillock of moderate height, entirely freed from trees, and in the distance rose the irregular forms of old buildings and the purplegray spire of a church.

Now he was closer to it, Castiel saw that gnarled trees hung low over the Victorian building, creaking ominously in the howling winds. The heavy oak doors were still opened, echoing around the empty church as he walked in.

“Father?” He asked as he looked around in the hollow space. A few beams of sunlight made its way through the high arched broken windows, but it was still pretty dark inside. He carefully walked further in, trying not to fall over the musty prayer books and the empty old offertory boxes that were spread upon the ground.

“Ah, Castiel! I’ve been waiting for you, my child.” The familiar voice of Metatron echoed through the room, and Castiel winced as he felt that a hand was holding onto his shoulder. He slowly turned around, so that he was facing the old priest now. “Do you have some more things to confess to me?”

“I- I do.” Castiel said as he lowered his gaze. “I felt I had to apologize once more. I am truly sorry I upset you, I did not mean to-“

“Castiel!“ Metatron let out an unnatural laugh. “I already told you it was fine. If, of course, you wouldn’t do it again. That was our little deal, right?”

“Yes... But-“ Castiel paused and bit his lip before he continued. “But Father, I-“ His voice broke. How was he even going to start this conversation?

He _needed_ Metatron to know that he was choosing for them, and that he had to let down the ones he loved because of that. He wanted the priest to know how _badly_ he wanted to fix it, how _devoted_ he was to him and to God.

“I only came here to tell you that I am abandoning my family for you, and that-“

He was cut off by Metatron’s hysterical laugh. “Oh, my dear Castiel, of course you aren’t abandoning your family!” He said as he petted his head. “I’m sure your lovely mother is going to be really happy about the choice you’ve made. And what about Michael and Lucifer? What about Samandriel?”

Castiel shook his head. “That is the point, Father. Samandriel also told me I shouldn’t return here anymore. He told me that you are _using_ and _manipulating_ me for your own goods, and that I shouldn’t see you anymore because of that.”

There was a short silence until the priest’s eyes widened. Metatron  covered his face with his old, shaky hands and let out a scream. “Oh no! May The Lord forgive us!” He shouted as he rose his arms above his head. “That poor young soul! Lord, forgive us!”

Castiel swallowed. “Wha- What is wrong?”

“Samandriel! He has _turned_! The Devil is inside him, Castiel!” Metatron yelled as he nervously grasped his gray curly hair. “The Devil took control over your stepbrother!”

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat. “What- What does that mean? I didn’t notice that anything was wrong! Samandriel seemed like he was-“

“Of course you didn’t notice it, you insolent fool!” The priest snarled as he turned around and walked back to the altar. “It was your powers! _Your_ gift made The Devil enter him, and now there’s no turning back!”

“No, no, no! I-“ Castiel stumbled backwards and walked into the wooden bench that stood behind him. “I caused this. This is all on me, I- I should have listened to you before, Father! I feel so bad for not obeying, I…”

“Shut _up,_ Castiel! Stop your pathetic whining and clear your mind. You’re supposed to fix this on your own because you’re the one who caused all of this!” He snapped from behind the altar. “But I’m offering you my help only _this once_. Because I think together we _are_ able to fix this.”

Metatron walked back to him with a small wooden box in his hands. “I need you to do something. Not only for me, but also for yourself, your stepbrother, your family and for _God_.” He said as he pressed the old wooden box into his hands.

“I- I don’t know what this is, Father.” Castiel stammered as he focussed his attention on the box.

From the smell and the structure he could tell the box was made out of pine wood. There were some remains of golden letters visible on top of it, forming a word that wasn’t readable anymore, and the metal on the corners of the box was rusty. The box was obviously as old as the priest himself, maybe even older.

“I’m sure you know what to do with it, Castiel. You’re a smart boy, and I have faith in you.” Metatron said as he placed his hand on top of Castiel’s head, before turning around and blowing at the flames of the candles on the altar. “And you _will_ succeed, if you remember that this _needs_ tohappen. This is the only solution possible, and I promise everyone will forgive you.”

“But I don’t know what I should-“ Castiel murmured softly.

“You can do it, Castiel. Just be quick and make sure nobody sees you.” The priest added  as he looked at his pocket watch. “Oh, what a shame! It’s almost time, Castiel. You need to go.”

“Father, I-“

“ _Castiel_! I _warn_ you. This is the only chance The Lord gives you to prove your faith in him. If you don’t accept it, he will _never_ forgive you for what you’ve done in the past and what you will do in the future. And then you will burn in _Hell_.” The priest said with a low, rumbling voice. “And we don’t want that, do we?”

Castiel swallowed. So there still _was_ a chance he was going to Hell. And he certainly didn’t want that. He had never been there, but the stories he had heard were bad enough.

Hell was not for ordinary sins. It was not for the parents who had lost their tempers in frustration when they were struggling under the stresses of life. It was not for the mentally ill or for those who were too damaged to know right from wrong.

Hell was for the really _bad_ persons. It was meant for the people who sinned over and over, who made the world a horrible place. And for those there was only one place left. One place they truly deserved; Hell. And there was no way out of it.

And if Castiel obeyed, he was another step away from that place. He’d do _anything_ not to end there, without a doubt.

“N-No. Of course not.” He replied, straightening his back so that he would look more confident. “I will do what I must do, Father. I promise that.”

“Good. Now, be a good boy and do God this favor. It will make the world a better place.” Metatron said as he walked to the large doors with him. “And don’t forget to be quick and silent.”

“Yes, Father.”

As soon as he was walking down the forest path again, Castiel opened the old wooden box Father Metatron had given him. He opened it with shaking hands and his heart was beating faster than ever, but his body froze completely as he saw what was inside. His breath caught in his throat, causing him to nearly drop the wooden box, as his eyes fell on the three perfectly aligned syringes that were shimmering in the sunlight.


	18. Stuck in a Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each one of the syringes had been numbered. First he had to inject number one, followed by two and three. It wasn’t that hard, he was certainly able to do this.  
> He silently gripped the bedpost, trying to calm himself down before continuing. He let out a shaky breath and closed his weary eyes. _Deep breaths_. Could he do this? He shook his head rapidly disallowing his second thoughts to get the better of him.  
>  He could do this, he had to do this and he was going to do this. Metatron had said it was the best thing to do, so it was the best thing to do.

Nearly five weeks without school.

Five weeks, though for Sam it had felt like _years._ For the past month the days had begun to blur together and he hadn’t even paid attention to the day of the week, let alone the date.

A lot had happened the past weeks, but Sam knew he had to move on. Everything could only get better now, so why shouldn’t he try to pick up his normal life? Okay, normal… The last few weeks had gone pretty well, but before that-

It had been six months since the last time he’d seen Azazel. He could still remember his first meeting with that _demon_. Azazel had told him that the drug would sharpen his mind. _Demon’s Blood_ was supposed to make you smarter, more alert and stronger. But once he got addicted to it, he hadn’t felt stronger at all. He’d felt so weak after he thought he couldn’t live without it anymore. But now he knew he could.

It had been six months since the last time he’d touched a syringe. But he still remembered the first time the drug had entered his body. He could still feel the heavy and burning sensation of the liquid flowing through his veins. Still relive the happy lifehe’d enjoyed so much. The life with _her_.

It had been six monthssince the last time he’d seen Ruby. Since he’d seen her innocent-looking smile with her glossy lips and her sweet eyes, her long dark lashes and her dark shoulder-length hair. What could’ve happened to her? Was she still alive? Was she missing him?

Sam swallowed. Did _he_ still miss _her?_ He didn’t have to. This time he wasn’t alone. And this partner wasn’t going to leave him. He just _knew_ Jessica was going to be here forever. He knew she loved him as much as he loved her, and he loved her more than anything. They were going to be happy, and nothing could ruin their relationship.

“Come on, Nerd! We gotta hurry!” Gordon’s yell echoed through the living room, breaking Sam free from his train of thought, followed by the loud noise of a door slamming closed.

Sam rolled his eyes at Gabriel, who was making himself another sandwich. Of course he knew that it was late, but he had to make sure he hadn’t forgotten something. “Just let me check everything for one last time-“

“You’ve checked your books already four times in the past twenty minutes, kiddo. I’m sure you got everything.” Gabriel said as the short male picked up his bag and was surprised by the heaviness of it, causing him to nearly fall over. “Whoa! What’s in here, Samsquatch? You planning to bury a body or something?”

Sam sighed as he grabbed his backpack. “Books. And I hope I got everything. If Mills gets angry because I did forget something, I’m gonna tell her it’s your fault.”

“Yeah, whatever. It’s not like she doesn’t hate me already.” Gabriel said as he took a lollipop out of his pocket and started unwrapping it.

Sam huffed. “Dude, it’s 7 freakin’ am and you haven’t even finished your sandwich yet!” Gabriel responded by questioningly raising one eyebrow, causing Sam to laugh even harder. “Okay, okay, whatever. I don’t even know why I’m still questioning your addiction to sugar.”

“I’m not questioning your book-fetish either!” Gabriel complained as he pulled the lolly out of his mouth and pointed it at him. “And I thought you had to hurry, boyo. I guess Gordon’s not gonna be happy if you let him wait for another half an hour.”

“Fine. But you’re going too.” He said sternly. “Can’t fool me with those damn tricks of yours anymore, you’re coming with us _now._ ”

“I’m not going there anymore! How many times do I have to-”

“You’re coming, Gabe. Stop whining and being such a pussy! School isn’t that bad, why do you hate it so much?”

Gabriel shrugged hesitantly. “I just- I don’t know? The classes are just… boring or something.”

Sam tried to look at his friend, but he was avoiding his gaze. Gabriel didn’t look like he was going to come with a good explanation, so Sam decided not to make such a big deal out of it.

Sam nodded. “Okay then. But at least go today, Gabe.”

“But Sam, I-“

“Do it for me?” He asked with the best puppy eyes he could come up with. “Then I have at least _one_ decent friend in the car.”

Gabriel sighed as he dropped his head in defeat. “Fine. Only today.”

“We’ll see about that later. And it’s only school, Gabe. What exactly could go wrong?”

Gabriel huffed, but Sam couldn’t see the sagging sadness in his eyes, hear the heavy heartbeat in his chest or feel the shrill shiver down his spine.

 

***

 

The hospital was nothing like he remembered it. Instead of the enjoyable atmosphere that had been there before, it seemed more like a prison to him now. There was no openness, no space, and the only thing he could smell was the unpleasant scent of disinfectant.

Instead of the once so beautiful decorated hallway, it now looked like a narrow unending path. The air was stagnant, and it made him even more nervous than he had been before.

From ahead he heard muffled voices, some angry, some placating. This was the last waiting room he’d pass before he reached Samandriel’s room. Castiel bit down on his lip. This wasn’t going to be easy. He could feel the fear in his chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wanted to protect him but there wasn’t really any danger. At least not for _him._

The tension grew in him like an angry ball propelling him towards an anxiety he just didn’t need. He tried to come up with reasons for why everything would turn out alright and why he was doing this, but still the nagging voice in the back of his mind was speaking of nothing but doom waiting for him.

Castiel swallowed as he started to cross the waiting room as quickly as possible, walking past the row of plastic hallway chairs. In the corner of his eye he could see a child kicking his legs in the air, clearing the white floor by several inches as they swung back and forth. Castiel was mesmerized by the blue rubber boots on his feet and the green duffle coat. Somehow the child reminded him of his youngest brother.

His face had an unhealthy look and his eyes were opened wide as he stared at nothing on the wall, like he was possessed too, just like Samandriel. Would the problems be solved when he gave him the injections? Would everything become normal again? Castiel didn’t know. But Father Metatron had said that it would help. And it wasn’t like this was going to be dangerous, right?

Castiel sighed as his eyes fell on the door in front of him. The door to Samandriel’s room. Castiel’s heart felt like it wanted to beat free of its cage, and it was pounding like it was going to crack one of his ribs. His senses were on high alert. Every color was brighter, every noise louder, every stranger a cause to make his heart beat more fiercely still.

His body wanted to either rush into the room, give his brother the medicine and pray for it to be over, or turn around and just walk away because he was just too scared. But he didn’t really have a choice. He _had_ to do this. He had promised it.

Castiel took a deep breath before he grabbed the doorknob and slowly opened the door. As he gently closed it behind him, and turned around, he saw his little brother lying in the hospital bed with his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful, so relaxed, so- _Innocent._

His adrenaline surged so fast he almost vomited. His heart was still pounding in his chest, but he tried to ignore it and slow his breathing.

This was the best moment to do it. This was his chance. Castiel hesitated before placing the wooden box on the table next to the bed, and he carefully opened it, not wanting to wake his brother. The three syringes were still lying on the black foam inside. He didn’t exactly know what kind of medicine it was, but Castiel knew what to do with them.

Each one of the syringes had been numbered. First he had to inject number one, followed by two and three. It wasn’t that hard, he was certainly able to do this.

He silently gripped the bedpost, trying to calm himself down before continuing. He let out a shaky breath and closed his weary eyes. _Deep breaths_. Could he do this? He shook his head rapidly disallowing his second thoughts to get the better of him.

He could do this, he had to do this and he was going to do this. Metatron had said it was the best thing to do, so it _was_ the best thing to do.

With trembling hands he picked up the first syringe. Castiel swallowed before facing his brother and looking down at his uncovered upper arm. He gently placed his left hand on the shoulder before aiming the syringe at his arm and slowly pressing it in. He squeezed his eyes as the needle entered the flesh and forced the liquid into Samandriel’s, praying that it would work.

After he’d emptied the first syringe, he slowly pulled out and sighed in relief. This was still going well. Only two syringes left, and then Samandriel would be free. Everyone would be safe and everyone could be happy again. Castiel smiled as he grabbed the next one, but his breath caught in his throat as he turned around and saw that his brother’s eyes were _opened_.

“C-Castiel?” Samandriel muttered. “What are you doing here?”

“I- Erm… I was just checking on you, but I will-“ He stammered.

“I don’t need anyone checking on me, Castiel. The doctor said that I can go home tomorrow, so I really don’t need help anymore.”

Castiel swallowed. “That is- That is good to hear, Samandriel! But I will leave now. You need your sleep.”

“But I don’t want you to leave, I just- I just want you to-“ Samandriel said, but he stopped abruptly.

“Samandriel?” Castiel asked, slight panic audible in his voice. His brother was lying completely still, eyes closed again, and his breath was slow and gentle. “I- I don’t… Samandriel?!”

Was this supposed to happen? Did he do something wrong? He tried to remember what Father Metatron had said about what was going to happen, but every single thought was melted together, forming a mental soup of conflicting instructions.

The panic that had been gone for a minute was back, causing his heart to beat hard and fast again. In the grip of silent panic, Castiel turned around aimlessly and he quickly grabbed the second syringe from the box.

As the beeps of heart rate monitor moved further apart every second, he wildly inserted the contents of the second syringe. He pulled out a little too quickly, causing the remaining liquid to spill on the floor and his trenchcoat, and immediately his eyes darted to the monitor.

It wasn’t helping. Why wasn’t it helping? It was supposed to make things better, but this didn’t _look_ like better. Maybe if he-

Castiel let out a muffled sound as he grabbed the last syringe and roughly pressed the needle in Samandriel’s arm. This had to work. This was going to work. Father Metatron had told him this was a solution, so it _was_ a solution.

Silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shattered on the ground, like a gaping void needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything. It was poisonous in its nothingness, thick and heavy, interlaced with the loud uninterrupted noise of the monitor, and broken by the screaming silence of sorrow.

Castiel’s eyes widened as he saw the horizontal line on the monitor. That could only mean one thing.

He had killed his brother. His sweet, innocent, young brother, who’d never harmed anyone in his life. He was dead. Samandriel was dead, and it was his fault. This was all _his_ fault.

Castiel strained his vocals but nothing came out, still he screamed, hoping someone would her him. Suddenly, his body wracked with raw sobs and he shook like a leaf. Fright consumed every cell in his body, swelling them with terror. With every second he practically felt the rise of his blood pressure, and he knew this was the least of his worries.

His brother. His _little_ brother. He killed his brother. What if his family found out? What were they going to think? What were they going to say? Were they going to hate him? Was he going to be left alone again?

The thoughts were accelerating inside his head. He wanted them to go away so he could breathe, but they wouldn’t. His breath came in gasps and he felt like he would black out. The room started to spin, and he wanted to call for a doctor, but no sound came out. Nothing _audible._

Castiel cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional pain flowed out of every pore and his body was uncontrollably shaking. He grabbed onto a chair so that it wouldn’t cause him to fall, and from his eyes came a thicker flow of tears then he had cried in years.

He was losing his mind. Again. His eyes saw nothing. They had lost all sight of what is and what could have been. His mouth was still open, letting out an eternal silenced scream, stained with only one last memory;

_And then you will burn in Hell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!  
> First of all, I hope you're enjoying the journey so far! It's so amazing to know people are actually reading this and each notification I get really makes my day.  
> I think I'm gonna add end notes from now on, just to keep everyone updated and prove that I'm not some sort of robot creating fanfiction.  
> Acutally that's the only thing I wanted to say for now, so I hope we'll meet again next chapter!  
> Oh, and please give me some feedback if you want to, I really love to hear from my readers and I appreciate every single one of you! <3


	19. Singular Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world was different like this. Silent. Frozen. _Empty._
> 
> Castiel felt a sharp pain spreading through his chest. This was the kind of agonizing pain brought on by devastating secrets, lifelong affairs, and family issues. _Family._
> 
> The pain hit him like a stray bullet meant for somebody else. The cold did its best to numb the pain, but as Castiel got closer to the building he was heading for, the pain became more intense, more shooting. Almost _killing._

_Five hours, fifty-seven minutes and fifty more seconds of school._ Gabriel thought to himself as he entered the building. Sam was walking beside him, and the smile he was wearing was almost blinding. Gabriel couldn’t get why someone could be so happy to go to school.

He frowned at the boys on the other side of the hallway. They were whispering and obviously laughing about him, and someone coughed “ _gay”_ in his fist, causing everyone to laugh even harder.

Sam obviously didn’t notice it. He was way too busy enjoying the tired-looking students dropping their books and the depressed teachers trying to make their way through the crowd.

Gabriel didn’t want to look at the guys. And he knew he shouldn’t. But he did. They were still staring at him, and Gabriel felt himself blushing so he quickly dropped his gaze.

Just…  Fuck this. This is why he didn’t like school. The classes were boring, yeah, but this was just so much _worse._ After he came out it had _always_ been like this. He was the weird one, the loner.

All his friends had left him, and he’d tried to make some new ones, but since Crowley had been messing with him, no one had dared to befriend _Gabriel Milton_.

Gabriel looked up to his tall friend, who was checking his books now. Sam was probably still thinking he’d forgotten a book or something. Gabriel huffed.

He was such a nerd.

But besides that he was a good friend. Sam didn’t care about how different he was, so Gabriel didn’t care about Sam’s past. He knew what his friend had been through, actually, everyone in school knew. But, unlike the others, Gabriel was _proud_ of him.

And because of Sam he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t feel as weak as he did before, and he almost felt _safe_ when his new friend was close to him.

Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea at all. Maybe things were going to be different now. Suddenly the ache in Gabriel’s body was gone, and a _real_ smile stretched upon his lips.

“I gotta check my locker, Gabe. I think my shirt is in there.” Sam said as he suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway. “You have all your stuff in the locker room, right?”

Oh, yeah. They had PE right now. Great. That was his _favorite_ class of the week. The one class they had with Crowley had to be _today_.

“Yeah.” Gabriel replied absently.

“So… I’ll be back in a few, I guess.” Sam said. “Just wait for me in the locker room, okay? I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Gabriel huffed. “I’m not a kid, Samsquatch. You don’t have to watch over me or something.”

“I know, Gabe. But still, wait for me there, okay?”

“Fiiiinneee.” He replied. “See ya later, Samsquatch.”

Gabriel sighed as he walked into the locker room. Thankfully none of the boys had noticed him walking in since they were too busy with themselves.

When he arrived at the row his locker was in, and sighed in relief when he noticed there wasn’t anyone around. He couldn’t bear having people stare at him like he was from Mars or something. As if he could help that he was different.

Gabriel rested his book bag on the bench and proceeded to open his locker, but the moment the door had been opened it was slammed shut again. Gabriel didn’t need to turn around to know who was standing behind him.

“Turn around, Gaby, unless you’re hard from watching all these half-naked guys.” The recognizable voice barked, followed by the hysterical laughter of the others.

Gabriel took a deep breath and turned around to meet the harsh gaze of Crowley and a few of his gang members.

Crowley roughly gripped him by his collar and pushed him back to his locker. “Didn’t you read the sign, dear?”

Gabriel’s brain was racing. “W- What sign?” He stuttered with fear in his voice.

“The sign that said _No fags allowed_.” Crowley replied as the familiar smirk began to play across his lips.

He should’ve expected that one.

Crowley let loose of him and roared in laughter with his friends. “Good one, dude!” Someone complimented.

“I know.” Crowley smiled as he focussed his attention back to Gabriel. “I suggest you sit down, Princess.”

Part of him told him to do what they said, and the other half told him to walk away from them and just _fuck school_. But he had promised Sam to wait here for him and Sam had looked so happy when Gabriel gave in and went to school. Besides, he was too afraid to just walk away. He knew that if he did, it would only make everything worse.

“What are you waiting for? Sit!”

Gabriel hesitated before slowly sitting down on the wooden bench, not losing eye contact with Crowley for a second.

“I’ve missed you, you know? I thought we’d never see you again after our little… _incident._ ” Crowley started as he grabbed Gabriel’s bag and turned it upside down, making everything scatter to the tiled floor.

“Don’t touch my bag, dickhead, that’s personal!” Gabriel protested as he got up and paced towards Crowley.

Some of the other guys had started to watch the scene he and Crowley were creating. A few of them laughed along while some watched in pity. Everyone knew better than to stop Crowley.

“Whoa, easy! You sure have changed, boy!” Crowley barked as he pushed him back against the lockers.

“Yeah, and you haven’t change a single bit. Still as douchey as before.” He hissed back.

“Is it because of that new moose guy? Is he a friend of yours?” Crowley asked before a crooked smile appeared on his face. “He left you, didn’t he? Your new little boyfriend just ran away from you and now you’re all alone.”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Gabriel said as his cheeks colored pink.

“Come on, I know you’re a _fag_.” Crowley yelled as he grabbed him by his hair. “You’re a little faggot _,_ and you _disgust_ me.”

 _Fag_. That word kept spinning through his head. He remembered the first time Crowley had said that to him.

_Hold him still!_

_Shut up, fag!_

_Crowley, hand me the marker!_

_Don’t move, Gaby, we’re going to make you a pretty little princess._

The cracking sound of his jaw still sounded through his ears, the pain in his stomach still was there and the taste of blood still remained in his mouth.

Gabriel bit on his tongue and looked down to the ground. He was so angry. He was angry with himself for being so _weak,_ but that was nothing compared to his rage towards _them._

Crowley had ruined his once so happy, restored life. Crowley had made his friends leave him. Crowley had made his life Hell-

“Fuck off!” Gabriel snarled, and before he knew it he’d punched Crowley right in the face.

“What the- You shouldn’t have done that.“ Crowley hissed before dangerously approaching him and grabbing his right hand. “Let’s make sure you’re not doing that again. Gav, grab his hand.”

“Wha- What are you doing?” Gabriel asked as someone pinned his left hand against the lockers while Crowley shoved the other to the edge of the open locker next to his head.

Gabriel opened his mouth to say something, but then Crowley slammed the door against his hand. _Hard._ He screamed out and Crowley did it again.

“Stop! Please stop!” Gabriel yelled, but Crowley shut the door again. “Please…” He whined, feeling saliva collect in his throat.

Crowley slammed him against the lockers again and reeled his fist back. Gabriel closed his eyes, drawing his body closer to himself. He wasn’t ready for the punch.

But that punch never came, and Gabriel slid down onto the ground before looking up.

“Don’t fucking touch him! Not ever!” He heard Sam yell as his friend kicked Crowley in the stomach, causing the guy to lose balance and fall over.

“Sam! Stop! I-“ Gabriel yelled and Sam immediately let go of Crowley before looking at him.

“Shit, are you okay?” Sam asked, running over to him.

“M-my hand.” Gabriel said, holding his shaking hand up to him. His knuckles were purple and bloody.

“Shit.” Sam hissed, and Gabriel looked back to see Principal Hendriksen entering the room.

“What is going on here?” He asked before looking down at Crowley and back to Sam again. “Sam Winchester, do you know how much trouble you are in?!”

“He hurt Gabriel.” Sam answered simply, looking down at Gabriel’s bloody hand.

Gabriel took a deep breath to even out his gasping. Heck, his hand hurt.

“Look, suspend me later, ‘cause Gabe’s hand is probably broken and we gotta get him to a nurse or something.”

“Alright. But after that, I want to speak to the three of you.”

“Fine.” Sam sighed as he helped Gabriel up and gave him a worried look. “Are you okay, Gabe?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Okay. Let’s get away from here.” Sam said as they slowly but surely made their way out of the locker room.

“Hey, Sammy?” Gabriel said softly after he closed the door behind them.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

 

***

 

Tears blurred his vision as he made his way towards the old church where Father Metatron was waiting for his return.

Back in the hospital he had thrown away everything that could’ve been used as evidence as quickly as he could, just like Metatron had told him to do. Luckily Samandriel’s room had been on the ground floor, so that he could easily slip out of the window after everything was cleared up.

It was cloudy outside, and nothing made a sound. All he could hear was the sound of his shoes on the forest path. Today was the kind of day where it was so cold that even a scream couldn’t cut through the piercing, frozen air, and Castiel could see his breath trailing behind him as he walked through the forest.

The world was different like this. Silent. Frozen. _Empty_.

Castiel felt a sharp pain spreading through his chest. This was the kind of agonizing pain brought on by devastating secrets, lifelong affairs, and family issues. _Family._

The pain hit him like a stray bullet meant for somebody else. The cold did its best to numb the pain, but as Castiel got closer to the building he was heading for, the pain became more intense, more shooting. Almost _killing._

He swallowed as he started walking at a brisk pace. He had the feeling hundreds of eyes were watching him, following every movement he made, _judging_ him. Castiel knew they weren’t really there, but it was bothering him just the same.

 _Murderer_. _Monster. Psycho._

The words spun through his head, making him feel dizzy and blurring his vision even more.

They didn’t have the right to judge him. They didn’t know that Castiel _had_ to do this. They didn’t understand everything had been meant to be, they weren’t battling to do good, and they didn’t need to prove that they belonged in Heaven.

They weren’t real. Castiel clenched his jaw as he quickened his pace again. He was losing it.

The church was in sight, and Castiel slowed his pace. He took a few deep breaths as he approached the heavy wooden doors, but before he opened them he took a moment of pause.

_What if I get caught?_

Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Maybe then he would be forced to be separated from humanity. That way he couldn’t hurt anymore. _Kill_ anymore. That’s what he deserved after everything that he’d done.

Castiel entered the church after a moment of hesitation. It was dark inside, and after he closed the door behind him he took another deep breath, exhaling slowly.

“Castiel!”

The trembling voice of the old priest echoed through the church, sending shivers through his spine.

His life was over.

“F-Father, I-“

“Did you succeed?”

Castiel swallowed. He had ruined it. He had totally ruined it. Nobody would forgive him for this, not even God. He couldn’t fix this and he was going to Hell. He was-

“Castiel.” Metatron’s voice sounded firmer this time. “Is the problem solved?”

“I- I do not…” When the words wouldn’t come, the tears did.

Castiel had learned to cry silently when he was alone in his room. He was used to the pearl-shaped tears that rolled down his cheeks without any sound coming from his mouth, but right now he was failing.

This was more than crying. The desolate sobbing that came from him proved that he was drained of all hope. Castiel sank to his knees at the cold stone floor, and his gasping wails echoed around the wooden benches. He had killed his brother. This was all his fault. Metatron was going to tell him that he _did_ belong in Hell. And Castiel knew that he deserved that.

“Castiel.”

The pain that flowed from him was as palpable as the frigid fall wind, and it felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest and was being burned to ashes. The place where it had been was now a shear of nothingness that somehow took over and was holding his soul, threatening to kill him entirely.

_Fear. Hate. Delusion. Death._

“Castiel!”

The awful hollowness, the waves of evil wretchedness seemed to engulf his mind, body and soul. _Death._

The sting of a firm slap against his head sent him back in reality, causing him to fall on the ground completely now, body shaking and tears still burning on his cheeks.

“Calm down, you incoherent freak!” Metatron snarled as he kicked his shoulder. “Did you do it?!”

“I- I…” Castiel sobbed. “I k- killed him. I- I am so sorry, Father, I didn’t know that-”

He was cut off by an exaggerated sigh. “Well, hellooo, that was the intention, Ignoramus.”

 “Wha-“ Castiel said as he slowly got up again, leaning on a wooden bench.

“Did you clean everything? Is it safe? Did you get caught?”

He frowned in confusion. Were the injections _supposed_ to kill his brother? Did Metatron _know_ that this would happen?

Castiel shook his head. “N- no, I…“

“Are you _sure_ he is dead?”

Castiel flinched at the last word. _Dead._ His brother was dead. And it was all _his_ fault.

“Y-Yes. He is dead. And it’s my fault. Father, I-“ He swallowed. “I killed my brother. I do not understand how this is supposed to be a good thing. I thought killing was-“

“You didn’t _kill,_ Castiel, you _helped.”_

“I don’t-“

Again he was cut off by Metatron, but this time by a clap of his hands. “Now, Castiel, let’s see….” The priest turned around and started walking to the altar placed on the other side of the church. “Now, I want you to-“

The words of the priest slowly faded away as Castiel closed his eyes. Father Metatron _knew_ the injections would kill his brother. He _knew_ it would go like this, and still he’d asked him to do it. How could he even _think_ that this is so easy?

“Father.” He said through clenched teeth. “I killed my brother. This isn’t something you should find normal.”

A loud, humorless laugh sounded through the church. “Oh, Castiel. I know this isn’t normal, but it had to be done. And don’t forget we’re not talking about your brother. We’re talking about your _step_ brother.” A soft smile appeared on the priest’s face, but his eyes were cold and hard. “You don’t _have_ any siblings. You don’t _have_ a family. You only have _me._ ”

Castiel swallowed. He didn’t like it when someone talked like this. He loved his stepbrothers and sisters, and he knew they loved him too. They almost felt like a family to him, and they felt like his _own_ family. No one should tell him the things Metatron just told him. They made his heart ache.

They made him sad because everything was true. Castiel didn’t have any siblings, he had no one except for Father Metatron, and he _was_ alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :)  
> Sorry for the late (and pretty short) chapter, I have a test week right now and I don't wanna fail entirely, so... xD  
> And I really //hate// writing Metatron/Cas dialogue, things like that just makes me wanna stab Metatron right in the face, I don't know how feel about it but yeah. ^~^  
> Next chapter I'm gonna make up for the bad stuff that happened here, so BE PREPARED.  
> I love you all very much, and I'll see you in a few (probably three) days! <3  
> Also, I really like to get some feedback from you, so don't hesitate to comment or send me an ask on my Tumblr or something. :D


	20. Saint Gone Astray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean was just… He was like the Sun. He had people orbiting around him. Some of them were so close that it burned them, and some of them were so far that they were the coldest they could be because they wanted to be closer. The lucky ones were in the perfect distance, close enough to feel the Sun’s warmness and live with him peacefully.  
> The point was, in one way or another all the people that met him were going to feel attracted to him. Obviously, because he was one of the brightest persons you could ever meet. But he?  
> Well, in their little system, he was Pluto. A cold, strange little planet that no one wanted around the sun, but one who was oddly spinning around him in large circles, in the opposite direction as everyone else. And, of course, he was _craving_ the Sun right now.  
>  But everyone knew that little planet would never be close enough or big enough to form part of his system. So why would the Sun notice Pluto?

Dean and Castiel were on his bed, side by side. Dean scrutinized his friend, watching him as the pink lips slightly curled upwards.

It was perfect.

Castiel buried his nose in Dean’s neck, and the barest scrape of teeth made his skin tingle. All at once they were naked and Castiel looked better than Dean ever imagined he could have been. His skin was all tanned and his shoulders were just _perfect_.

He held his breath as Castiel slowly made his way up to his face, causing their lips to get closer and closer…

Dean rose up from his pillow with a gasp. Cold sweat soaked his t-shirt from the collar down, but the fire was still burning in his body.

He didn’t- He didn’t even know him. How could he dream like that about somebody he barely knew?

“Damn it.” Dean muttered. This was not how he wanted the morning to begin.

He put on the first pair of jeans he could see and stumbled downstairs, already craving for his cup of coffee and the newspaper. Maybe that would distract him from thinking about the dream he’d just had.

After he’d flipped over a few pages and his cup was half empty, his eyes fell on something that nearly made him spit out his coffee.

Samandriel had died.

 

***

 

“That doesn’t make sense, just tell me what the fuck happened!” He yelled as the doctor raised an eyebrow.

“Sir, please listen to me. I already told you I can’t keep you informed. You’re not related to the patient, and Mrs. Milton has asked me personally to keep every outsider away. I’m sorry.”

Dean rose his voice even more when he slammed his fist on the table. “I’ve been fucking close to that boy and I swear to God-“

“What the fuck is _he_ doing here?!” The familiar voice snarled from behind.

_Oh God. Not her. Not now._

Anna pushed him away from the door. “Don’t even _think_ you can come close to him! I won’t let you!”

_Oh, she’s being all protective again. Lovely._

Dean let out an exaggerated sigh. Maybe he should go. Not because Anna told him to, fuck no. But he was wondering if _Castiel_ was around too. And maybe he could spot him somewhere. Hell, maybe they could even _talk_.

He knew he shouldn’t be this happy about it. He couldn’t even get why he was acting like this, but he didn’t care anymore.  He couldn’t help it. He really liked their last talk, and _God_ he’d missed that son of a bitch. With those crinkles at the corners of his eyes as that goofy smile appeared on his face, and his amazingly dark brown, almost black hair and those goddamn blue eyes.

But it wasn’t just his looks, though. Only talking to Castiel already made him feel... Happy? Yeah, happy. Wanting to do something that made you happy wasn’t that weird, right? He just wanted to _enjoy_ life for once.

A soft smile crept up to his face and the air grew thick with a tightness that couldn’t help but make him breathe slower, deeper, happier.

He _needed_ Castiel right now.

“Dean! Hello!” The snapping voice of Anna woke him out of his daydream. “Why are you smiling? I thought I told you to get the fuck out!”

“Sorry, Miss, but I don’t know if-“ The doctor placed his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it away.

“Oh, I _do_ know. He should go.”

You know what? Fuck this. He was so _done_ with Anna and her bullshit. He was planning to leave, but not _yet._ First he had to make her a little more angry. The smile returned on his face, but this time it was more of a smirk. This could become fun.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go. Just calm down a little, sweetheart. You look a little irritated.” He said teasingly.

“I’m not irritated, I’m _furious_.”

“You shouldn’t be. You better watch out, what if your face stays as red as it is now?”

He could literally seethe anger growing in her eyes. Damn, he should’ve done this earlier. This was pure _gold_.

“Shut up! Leave!”

“Fine. But if your face stays as red as a tomato, don’t be all complaining about it.”

Dean walked towards the door, grabbed the handle and opened it, but turned around before actually getting out. This was just _perfect_.

“What if it’s gonna turn to your _hair_ as well? Oh wait… Nevermind.” He huffed as he left the hospital, heading for the park and ready to _accidentally_ walk into Castiel.

 

***

 

The biting cold chilled his fingers into clumsy numbness and the cold seeped into his toes, spreading painfully throughout his feet. His lips had turned a more blueish hue and his teeth were chattering like a pneumatic drill. He began to lose his sense of time. Had he been out here for minutes, or already for hours?

The frigid wind poked him like icy fingers and was wrapping around him like a shawl woven from snow itself, but he wasn’t going to leave the park bench. _The_ park bench. The place where he had been sitting with Dean.

A strange sensation was growing in his chest. Why did he feel like this? Why was he always thinking about Dean? The man who had ruined his living room, the man who had something to do with his stepbrother’s accident, the man who caused everything to _change_?

He didn’t know if the last one was good or bad. Castiel had wanted everything to change, but why did it have to be like this? Why had there to be an accident? Why did he have to kill Samandriel?

Castiel bit his lip. How would Dean react if he knew what he had done? Would he be mad? Would he understand? Was he going to tell him about it? Was it even a good idea to _be_ here right now?

This bench felt like their spot, where everything had begun. He had no idea why this place was so special to him, but what scared him was that Dean could be feeling the same about this spot. What if Dean was planning to come here too? What if he was going to ask questions about Samandriel?

Castiel lowered his head and hid his face in the palms of his hands. This was just one big mess and his life had become even more chaotic than before.

Before he thought bowlegs were attractive. Before he could get lost in forest-green of eyes. Before he was able to countsomeone’s freckles in his dreams.

Before he had met Dean Winchester.

How could a human be that beautiful? Lord, help him. Dean was just… He was like the Sun. He had people orbiting around him. Some of them were so close that it burned them, and some of them were so far that they were the coldest they could be because they wanted to be closer. The lucky ones were in the perfect distance, close enough to feel the Sun’s warmness and live with him peacefully.

The point was, in one way or another all the people that met him were going to feel attracted to him. Obviously, because he was one of the brightest persons you could ever meet. But he?

Well, in their little system, he was Pluto. A cold, strange little planet that no one wanted around the sun, but one who was oddly spinning around him in large circles, in the opposite direction as everyone else. And, of course, he was _craving_ the Sun right now.

But everyone knew that little planet would never be close enough or big enough to form part of his system. So why would the Sun notice Pluto?

The crispy sound of crushing frozen leaves made Castiel look up. In front of him was standing a person, outlined with a bright golden light. And if it weren’t for the voice Castiel recognized as it said his name, he wouldn’t have known that it was the Sun who was noticing him.

 

***

 

Castiel looked up at him with tired eyes, body slumped on the park bench. Fuck, he looked bad. And why wasn’t he saying anything? Why did this guy have to make everything awkward?

Dean cleared his throat before speaking up again. “So… Care if I sit down?”

“N-No, of course not.” Castiel answered hesitantly.

“Thanks.” He said dryly before sitting down next to him.

Immediately he felt the heat of Castiel’s body, a welcoming warmth surrounding him through his leather jacket.

“I- Erm… I don’t really know how to say this, and I’m not really good at this kinda shit, but… I’m sorry for Samandriel. I dunno if it helps, but it really hit me, you know?” Dean swallowed when Castiel was still staring in the distance. It seemed like he wasn’t even listening. _Fuck this, just-_

Dean sighed. “Look, I know it doesn’t change anything, but I really liked your stepbrother. He was a good kid, and I hope he’s at a better place, or something like that.” He mumbled.

This, exactly _this_ , was why he hated chick-flick moments. They were hard, awkward and they didn’t change anything.

But then a weak smile appeared on Castiel’s face as he turned his head to look at Dean. “Thank you, Dean. I appreciate your words.”

“So… How do you feel?” Dean asked carefully, not looking away from him for even a second.

“Terrible. I wish I was dead instead of him. He did not deserve this. I-“

Of fucking course he was feeling like shit. Stupid question. They hadn’t even been talking for five minutes and he already fucked up.

But only then Dean noticed a pair of tears that was racing down Castiel’s cheeks. Fuck, he was crying. His friend was crying, and- Oh God.

“Hey! Hey! Cas, buddy, don’t cry! It’s okay, I- Shit!” Dean said as he started to panic. This time Castiel needed him. Dean was totally okay with that thought, but what was he supposed to do?

But what did Castiel _expect_ him to do? Was he supposed to touch him, rub his back or something? Like in the movies? Dean cursed under his breath. Why had it always to be this damn hard?

“Cas?” He asked softly as his friend started sobbing. “Hey! Come on, man! It’s okay to cry, I’m here.”

God, he sounded like a moron.

Dean hesitated before he gently placed his hand on Castiel’s back. This was okay, right? Was this what friends did? Or was it weird?

Well, apparently not, because Castiel moved closer to him so that he was nearly, _nearly,_ lying his head on his shoulder, and Dean had his arm around him now.

They just sat like that for a few minutes, and Castiel’s head eventually was leaning on his shoulder. The sobs had evened out and Castiel calmed down a little more every second, until the was just softly sniffling.

Dean felt Castiel’s hot breath in his neck, and his body had been frozen for every second. He didn’t know what he was able to do as a friend, and he was scared that if he did something wrong Castiel would walk away or something. This just- It was good like this. Castiel only needed some comfort, and Dean was happy to give him that.

“Dean?” Castiel asked after a few more minutes, voice rougher than before.

“Yeah?”

“Is this making you uncomfortable?”

“Nah, not really.” He huffed awkwardly. “It’s fine, dude, really.”

“Okay, good.”

Dean swallowed. “You okay again?”

“Oh, ermm…  Yes, I think so.” Castiel said quickly as he lifted his head from Dean’s shoulder, and immediately the cold early-winter breeze welcomed his neck. “I apologize.”

“’S fine.” He murmured before clearing his throat. “So… You wanna talk about it or something? ‘Cause I’m not that good at talking, but I-“

“Not really. There is not really something to talk about, Dean.”

“Your damn stepbrother just died. That’s one helluva subject, if you ask me.”

“Yes. But I was prepared for it.” Castiel said. “And Death is always there. He is always following you, and no one is able to escape it. I just think thinking and talking about that is of no use.”

“Wow. Just- That’s really deep, man. But I get it, I think.”

Castiel looked up, surprised. “You do?”

“Yeah. With Dad, I- I also felt like shit at first. But after a few hours of being a mess I realised I wasn’t helping anyone with it. Mourning is just for yourself, I guess. But it wasn’t helping me at all.”

Castiel hummed in approval. “Exactly, that is another way to say it.”

There was another silence, but not exactly an awkward one, even though they were sitting pretty close to each other. A little _too_ close for friends, but Dean didn’t care. The birds were singing nicely, and they were both just enjoying the view. And there was nothing wrong with that.

After a few minutes Castiel started to hum the same song as he did last time, and Dean tried not to smile.

Castiel was _adorable._

 

***

 

Castiel turned to his other side for the fifth time his night already. He couldn’t fall asleep, and the only thing that was on his mind was _Dean_. And probably these two things had something to do with each other.

Since he met Dean, he had become a little more himself. He learned to open up a little more, and he was less awkward around people than before. He’d shown Dean almost all of his weird habits, and still Dean wanted to be friends with him. _Friends._

Dean had made him question every promise he ever made to himself. He made him open up when he didn't want to let himself in. He helped him to breathe when he didn't want to anymore. Because Dean was his friend.

And friends cared about each other, right? So did Dean care about him? As a friend, of course. Because otherwise it would be weird.

Or did Dean think that what they had was a little more than friendship? Castiel swallowed. Did _he_ think that what they had was a little more than friendship?

Did Castiel love him? As a friend, certainly. But… Could it be something more for him?

Suddenly Castiel remembered his Greek class. Their teacher had taught him that in English there was only one word for “love”, but in Greek there were three different words. All three could be experienced in varying degrees, and each one carried great responsibility.

 _Philia_ was brotherly love, like that of siblings and good friends. But could he already call Dean a good friend? He’d only known him for a few weeks, so no, not really.

 _Agape_ was a love that gives and asks nothing in return. But Dean had asked something in return, and so did Castiel. They asked each other’s comfort in return.

And then you had _Eros_ , which was the physical love between two partners. With Eros, you felt like you couldn’t get enough of each other. As if you were trapped in a constant delirium of need and _love_. It felt like a sudden connection between two humans.

Like the way their bodies had fitted perfectly together as they were sitting on their park bench. Like their eyes locked together as they first met in the hospital.

And the same warm smile that spread across his face when he saw Dean appeared on his face now. Being with Dean felt like it was meant to be. It felt right. It felt like home _._

Then Castiel knew.

It was definitely _Eros_.

The humidity of Castiel’s heart was increasing rapidly. There was no looking back. He had fallen in love with a man, his _friend,_ and there was nothing he could do but love him with every ounce of his body as it tingled uncontrollably.

And he _had_ to smile because Dean had brought him joy. And that was something that Castiel thought had been banned out of his life once and for all.

Castiel took a deep breath as he turned onto his back, suddenly feeling way better. He blinked one last time before _really_ closing them, and sighed.

_I think I love you, Dean Winchester._


	21. The Dreaming Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He stood up and walked downstairs, entering a silent empty living room. Why was everyone so busy when he finally had a free day?  
> He made his way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He sighed as there was again literally nothing in there. That meant he had errands to run. And quickly, too, because he was starving. So Sam put on his coat, left the house, closed the door behind him, and got into his car.  
> It was almost half past eight. That meant Jessica was having her interview right now. He really hoped she would get the job she wanted, even though that meant that they wouldn’t have that much time for each other anymore. And hell, he would miss her if he couldn’t see her every day.

Sam had woken up to the bright morning light that penetrated through the thin curtain. He sighed deeply while running his fingers through the silken strands of Jessica’s hair that framed out across his chest. Her small snore made him smile as he watched the still upcoming orange sun. His roaming fingers left her hair to soothingly trail up and down her slender neck, which apparently woke her up.

“Mmh morning, Sam.” She murmured sleepily.

“Morning, Jess.” He replied, and placed a tender kiss to the top of her head.

She yawned. “What time is it?”

Sam huffed as he lifted his head to glance over at the clock on his nightstand. “Almost eight.”

“Shit!” Jessica cursed suddenly as she jumped off from the bed. “I’m gonna be late!”

“Where do you need to be?” Sam asked.

“I have an application interview in twenty minutes!” She breathed as she clumsily put on her pants.

“Wait a second… A job application?! Why don’t I know about this?”

“I wanted to tell you but I forgot, okay?” She hissed, wildly looking around. “Where’s my shirt?! I’m sure I left it on that damn chair!”

“Jess!” Sam laughed nervously. “It’s right over there.”

“Oh.” She put on her shirt, grabbed her black jacket and put that on as well. “Do I look decent enough like this?”

Sam smiled as he walked towards his girlfriend and pulled her in for a hug. “You look fine, Jess. And calm down a little, you’re gonna do great.”

“Err, I hope so.” She said as she let go of him. “I really don’t know, actually.”

“I’m sure you will. What kind of job is it?” He asked while she collected her curly hair on the top of her head to make a messy bun.

“I’ll tell you later, I really have to go now. How’s this?” She asked as she finished doing her hair.

“Good, but… You have to go right _now_?! Why? You still have over fifteen minutes to get there!”

“It’s outta town, and if I hurry I can get the bus.” She explained.

“I can drive too, you know?” Sam offered. “I don’t mind some extra time with you today.”

“Erm… No, I’m gonna get the bus. I think I’d like some alone time, to prepare myself for the interview. You understand, right?”

Sam sighed. “Oh. Yeah, I- Of course I do. I just thought you’d like my company.”

“I do, Sam! Of course I do, but- It’s not about you, I just- I just want to get there on my own.”

“Alright. No problem, I’ll just- I’ll wait for you here, then.” He said, dropping himself back on the bed.

Jessica smiled softly. “Okay. I’ll be back as soon as possible, and I’ll tell you everything. I swear.”

“Yeah, you better.” He laughed. “But I think you should go now, or you’re gonna be late.”

 “Yeah, I know.” She sighed as she placed a quick kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Sam watched his girlfriend leave the room and heard her walking down the stairs, followed by the sound of their front door closing.

After he told Jessica about the fight with Gabriel and Crowley, she had insisted to come over and stay the night. And he really didn’t mind, of course. First they talked about Gabriel and his injuries, but soon they had been talking about Samandriel.

A few of Jessica’s friends had told her that his death was caused by a lethal injection. That meant it was either suicide or murder.

Why would Samandriel kill himself? Samandriel committing suicide was one of the stupidest theories Sam had ever heard. And who could’ve killed him? _Everyone_ liked Samandriel. He was always positive and happy, _forgiving,_ not to forget. Why would someone kill such an innocent boy?

He just didn’t understand what happened, and even more important; _why_ it had happened. Maybe Dean knew what was going on. His brother was way closer with the Milton family than he was, so Sam decided to grab his phone and call him. After it rang a few times Dean picked up the phone.

“Do you even know how late it is? You woke me up, Bitch.” The voice of his brother mumbled through the phone.

“Yes, I know. It’s a normal Thursday, so it’s pretty normal to be awake at this time.”

Dean huffed. “Yeah, whatever. Why’d you call?”

“Well… You know what happened to Samandriel, right?”

“Yeah? Why?” His brother asked.

“Do you know what happened _exactly_?”

“No. I asked about it, but the sons of bitches didn’t want to tell me.”

“Okay, so get this.” Sam said. “The doctors found out that he was killed by lethal injection.”

“Erm… Okay, meaning?”

“So Samandriel could’ve done it to himself, or…”

“Someone else could’ve murdered him.” Dean added slowly.

“Exactly. But do you know something about that family that I don’t know?”

“Why?! How should I know?” Dean snapped.

“Well, you’re besties with Castiel.”

“I’m not.”

Sam sighed. “Good friends, then. But did he tell you anything?”

“Nah, not really. Just that he was ready for his death, or something like that.”

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I dunno man. But Cas also cried for a few minutes, and that was pretty much everything.”

“Hmmm… But do you think he believes he was murdered?”

“Erm… I guess? I don’t know. It’s not like I talk to that guy every day.’

“You don’t?” Sam teased.

“No.”

“Oh come on! You two seem to really get along. Why don’t you-“

“Sam, I gotta go.” Dean said suddenly.

“What? Why? Because we’re talking about Castiel?”

“No. Because I gotta do something important.”

“With ‘ _Cas’_?” He asked suspiciously.

“No. At the garage.”

He huffed. “Yeah, right. You just woke up, Jerk.”

“So? I better get this done now.”

“Okay, okay. I get it. You better hurry up then.”

“Talk to you later. Bitch.”

“Bye.” Sam said before he locked his phone and shoved it in the back pocket of his jeans.

He stood up and walked downstairs, entering a silent empty living room. Why was everyone so busy when he finally had a free day?

He made his way into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He sighed as there was _again_ literally nothing in there. That meant he had errands to run. And quickly, too, because he was _starving_. So Sam put on his coat, left the house, _closed the door_ behind him, and got into his car.

It was almost half past eight. That meant Jessica was having her interview right now. He really hoped she would get the job she wanted, even though that meant that they wouldn’t have that much time for each other anymore. And hell, he would miss her if he couldn’t see her every day.

Sam sighed as he made his last turn, supermarket already in sight, but then a dog ran in front of his car and before he could do anything he felt a horrible bump. Sam quickly looked into his mirror and his held his breath as he saw an Australian Shepherd spasming  on the road behind him. He immediately stopped his car and raced towards the poor dog he’d just hit.

“Oh god!” He said as soon as he noticed that blood was coloring the asphalt under the whining dog. He started panicking.

He had hit an animal. He had hurt this poor dog and now it was _bleeding_. Maybe even _dying_.

Before he knew it he was entering a veterinary hospital, carrying a dog covered with a blood-stained blanket.

“Help! I need help! I mean- The dog needs help!” He yelled as he stepped inside.

“That way!” A nurse answered immediately, pointing to a treatment room.

“He just- He came out of nowhere, right in front of my car!” He breathed as he laid the dog on the table. “We need a doctor! Are you a doctor?”

“The doctor is coming, Sir. But I’m not really sure…”

“You’re not sure _what_? This is an _animal hospital_!” He shouted. “You save animals!”

“Sir, I-“

“Save this animal!”

A woman wearing a large white coat entered the room. “Can you escort this gentleman out, please?”

“Yes, of course.” The nurse answered calmly.

“I- I did this…” Sam stammered as she led him out of the room.

“Come on, Sir. Please, let the doctor do her job.”

The nurse brought him to the waiting room and offered him a cup of coffee, but Sam refused. He just felt too _sick_ for anything.

Why hadn’t he been paying attention? He had been _driving_! Now he’d hit a dog. A poor animal that never did any harm. He was bleeding and he was probably not going to make it. This was _all_ his fault.

 

***

 

Sam was sitting in the waiting room, staring down at the floor with his hands clasping. He’d been waiting for almost an hour now, and finally the doctor came into the room. He immediately stood up and held his breath as the doctor stepped in front of him.

“He has sustained some serious internal bleedings, and there’s at least two leg fractures that I can see right now. But with some TLC he should pull through for you.”

Sam sighed in relief. “Thanks, Doctor.”

“So… Are you going to take the dog?”

“Look… I- I would, but he’s-“ Sam cleared his throat. “He’s not mine.”

The doctor smiled softly. “He’s not anybody’s.”

Sam wanted to. He _wanted_ to. But he couldn’t.

“But I- I have a busy life, I go to school and I live with two friends in a student house. I can’t-“

“Don’t you think you’re responsible?” The doctor snapped all of a sudden.

“Why do you think I brought him here?”

“Oh, Roberta, please hand this man his trophy on his way out!” She shouted sarcastically. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have hit him in the first place.”

Sam let out an exaggerated sigh.

Maybe he _should_ take the dog. It was his fault, anyway. And he’d always wanted a dog, and this was his chance. He couldn’t just leave the dog here, could he?

“Fine. I’ll take him.”

 

***

 

“Hey! What the-“ Sam heard Gabriel yell as soon as his friend entered the room. “Saaaam!? What the friggity fuck is this?”

“That’s called a dog, Gabe.” He replied dryly.

“Yeah I know, I have eyes. But what the frick is it doing in our house? And why is he half mummy-ish too?”

“Hit him with my car when I was gonna do our errands. And he didn’t have a home so I had to take him.” Sam explained.

“Whoa, wait a second… So we have a doggie now?!” Gabriel cheered, almost bouncing towards their new roommate.

“Yeah. You don’t have a problem with it, right?” Sam smirked.

“Nah, of course not!” Gabriel said absently as he enthusiastically petted the dog. “What’s his name?”

“Ermm… I dunno. I thought maybe you could come up with one?”

“Heck yeah!” Gabriel yelled enthusiastically. “How’s… Ollie?”

Sam snorted. “Ollie? _Really_?”

“It’s a badass name, shut up.” Gabriel laughed. “Isn’t it, Ollie?”

“Alright, alright. Ollie it is.”

“Yaaaayy! Welcome in your new house, buddy.” Gabriel said as he kept petting the dog with his left hand, while his right was still bandaged tightly.

 _At least he looks a little happier_. Sam thought.

 

***

 

Dean dragged his hand down his face and paused at the last step. Did he really want to do this? Go to Castiel _again_? Maybe the guy didn’t even want to see him right now. His steps towards the house gradually slowed as doubt started muddling his confidence. This sounded like a better idea when he was in his own house. Now he just felt stupid.

  
Well, he was here now, wasn't he? He puffed up his chest nervously and raised his hand to press the golden button next to the wooden door. One ring later he was standing awkwardly in front of Castiel’s fancy home.

He only wanted to see him, okay? And it was a beautiful day, too. So why not visit him? They could walk through the park for a little, talk about some random things. Dean didn’t care. He just wanted to be with Castiel because he missed him. That’s all.

And before he knew it he was standing in front of his friend. Dean raised his gaze to meet Castiel’s piercing blue eyes, and _damn_ , Castiel looked amazing in his black, threadbare robe and his bed hair.

“Dean?” His friend asked hesitantly. “What are you doing here?”

“Ermm… I- Uh…” He stumbled as he felt the heat creeping up to his face. “I was wondering if we could like, go for a walk or something?”

Castiel tilted his head and squinted. “Again?”

“Yeah! I mean-“ He scraped his throat. “If you want to. You don’t have to go.”

Castiel smiled and looked up at him with soft eyes. “Of course, I would love to.”

Dean swallowed. _Love._ It wasn’t only the word that made his stomach turn, but also the way it escaped from his friend’s pink, slightly chapped lips.

But Castiel cut off his thoughts. “First I will need to change. Do you mind to wait for a few minutes?”

“Nah. Take all the time you need. I’ll wait here.”

“Or you may come in, if you prefer that.” Castiel offered.

“Okay, I’ll do that then.” Dean said, and entered the already familiar smelling house as Castiel let him in.

“I will be here in a moment. Just make yourself comfortable.”

 _And don’t ruin anything again._ Dean added in his head as he looked around in the living room. Everything was looking perfect again, even after his outburst. “Yeah, thanks.” He mumbled instead, and he heard Castiel leave the room.

 

***

 

“But how did Sam get in touch with Azazel?” Castiel asked, frowning.

They were sitting on the park bench again, side to side, enjoying the nice weather together.

“Azazel had been in charge of finding children. He either kidnapped them or just took them off the streets.” Dean explained. “Sometimes he’d get drug addicts, if he was desperate, but mostly he chose young kids. I was older than he wanted, but Sammy was still in that window. We had some money problems, but Dad just kept drinking without caring. That’s why I dropped out of school and left Sammy alone in school. I didn’t have any choice, I had to.”

“I understand your actions, Dean. It is definitely not your fault. None of it is.” Castiel said sternly.

“That’s when Azazel tried to give him this drug.” He continued. “I’d never heard of it, but it seemed pretty bad to me.” Dean was wringing his hands in his lap, staring at the lake in front of him as he retold his story. He hadn’t talked about this in so long. And no one knew about this, except for him and his brother.

“I told him not to take it, that he was smart enough, that he’d grow into being strong enough. Said he was just a kid and that drugs weren’t the answer. And I- I really thought he’d listened to me.”

 “After about two months I found out what the drug was capable of, and then I knew we’d made the right choice saying no. The newspapers were filled with articles about this mysterious guy forcing people to use some sort of new drug, and how that stuff had killed several children.” Dean’s eyes took on a faraway look before he snapped himself back to the present, grimacing at the vivid image that was playing across his mind’s eye.

“Sammy wasn’t home by then. He’d told me he was with a friend, but then he came home crying. That’s when he told me about everything. How a few of his friends had refused the drug, and were punished for it. Told me that some of them took it like it was candy, already desperate for it. How he had been forced to take it- Everything just made me so damn angry, Cas. And I knew I had failed to protect him. That I had failed Dad, I had failed _him_ -“

“You didn’t fail. You did well protecting him, Dean.” Castiel soothed. “No one could have done a better job, and no one could have been a better big brother. I am sure you did everything you could.”

“But he got addicted, Cas. I didn’t save him.”

“No one could have. It was all Azazel’s fault.” Castiel growled.

“I shouldn’t have left him alone. Of damn course it was my fault.”

“Dean, listen to me. It was _not_ your fault. You had to leave him because you had to make sure you two could buy something to _eat._ You can blame your father for not taking take of you and your brother. You can blame Azazel for forcing Sam to take the drug. But you shouldn’t blame yourself.” “You must have had a really difficult time, but you made it. Both of you. You two have lived through something that many wouldn’t survive. And look at him now.” Castiel said as he softly stroked Dean’s hand. “He is living his own life, completely free of that drug. You couldn’t have done better, Dean. I’m so proud of you.”

“You shouldn’t be.” He growled as he tried to pull away his hand, but Castiel grabbed it again, firmer this time.

“Yet I am, and you can’t change that.”

“Let go of me.” Dean snapped.

“No. I want to show you that I care. And I truly believe that you are one of the most righteous men alive. So I have every right to be proud of you. Do you understand?”

“You don’t get to-“

“I know you are still in pain, Dean. And that is why I am here for you.” Castiel said softly. “Don’t you know how much you are worth? You are an amazing human being, and although you think you are broken, you should always try. Because living is more than simply hoping. And I know you can do it. Though you’ve been treated so horrible, you still have to try. Though everyone beat you down, you always got up. And you will get up again, and again. You are _so_ strong, and you deserve to be happy.”

As Castiel said these words Dean felt his eyes tear up. And he tried to hold them back. He _really_ tried. He wasn’t gonna cry just because someone was telling him this bullshit. And definitely not in front of _Cas_.

Dean looked away from his friend, but Castiel gently grabbed his chin and turned his head back so he was looking straight into his eyes.

“You brighten every moment, Dean. Even my darkest nights. You- You took my broken world and you’re making it right.”

Dean kept staring into the watery blue eyes. They were filled with emotion and honesty. Maybe Castiel _did_ mean what he said. Maybe he _was_ proud of him. And that he _did_ care about him. That meant that Dean had at least _someone_ , right?

That thought immediately made him feel better. The heavy weight in his chest made place for another feeling. A feeling that was a lot less painful, but still uncomfortable. It was the same feeling he’d had a lot in the past week. A feeling that sent shivers up to his spine and goose bumps all over his skin. A feeling that he always had when he was thinking about Castiel.

 _No_. This was wrong, and he shouldn’t be thinking about this friend this way. Castiel was not gay, and even if he was, he probably not interested in someone like Dean.

He dropped his gaze, but then his eyes fell on his right hand. Castiel was still holding it. And he’d been holding it for a long damn time already.

“Erm… Cas?” He asked carefully. “You’re still touching my hand.”

“Yes, I know.” Castiel whispered.

“You can let go now.”

“I know.”

Dean cleared his throat. “So, why don’t you?”

“Do you want me to?”

First, he wanted to say _yes_ , because this was _so damn gay,_ but then he realised he didn’t care. Castiel’s hand felt amazing. The touch of his slender fingers was so soothing and calming, and holding his hand felt right and just _satisfying._ So why not?

But what if someone _saw_ them? What if they thought they were _gay_? Dean held his breath. What if they _were_ gay? What if his brother knew? His friends? His _boss_?

Finally, a little voice in his head remembered him of something. Something one of his friends had told him. And it made him smile. _A little gay is okay, Dean._ Sounded through his head.

And it _was_ okay. But _only_ if no one saw them.

“Not exactly.” Dean admitted after a short silence. “But can we like, go somewhere else? Because here it’s a little too… crowded. It’s just not-“

“Whatever you want, Dean.” Castiel smiled softly. “Where do you wish to go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

“Okay.” Castiel said as he stood up, pulling Dean with him. “I know a place with a beautiful view, just follow me.”

“Yes, Sir.”

So they made their way to Castiel’s special place, their fingers never untangling. But what they didn’t know was that someone had already noticed them and secretly took a picture.


	22. Tears of Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh. So he didn’t _have_ to explain anything. But now his brother already knew that there was something going on. Castiel bit his lip. Was it smart to talk with someone about his feelings?
> 
> Anna had always told him that it would be so much easier to deal with things if you talked about it with someone. But would it be a good choice to tell Gabriel? The sibling who ran away from home? The sibling who was known by his tricks and his lies?
> 
> But also the one who always had been there for Castiel, who had cared for him so much that he had tried to protect him and stood up against his own mother for him?
> 
> Yes. Maybe he _should_ tell Gabriel.

 “Jess! Jess! You gotta see this!” Sam shouted enthusiastically as he stormed through the front door after Jessica had opened it.

“Jesus, Sam! Calm down a bit!” She said  as she closed the door and followed her boyfriend to the living room.

Sam pulled out his phone and showed her the picture, practically pressing the phone onto her face. “Do you know what this means?”

“Sam I can’t even see it! Hold it still!” Jessica hissed, gripping his wrist and snatching the phone out of his hand. “How’d you get this?”

“I caught them. But dude, come on! I mean… I knew those two were close, but no one could’ve guessed this would happen!”

“I did.” Jessica said dryly.

“What?! How?”

“Oh come on! Haven’t you seen the way they look at each other?” Jessica said as she walked into the kitchen to get something to drink. “Ever since they met they seemed connected at the hip, and I won’t be surprised if one day Castiel comes out as his boyfriend.”

“But… Why didn’t you tell me, then?”

“I thought they deserved some privacy. And I know you, Sam. You’re going to tease the shit out of them now, aren’t you?”

There was a short silence before Sam reacted. “What?! I’m not _that_ mean, Jess!”

“You are.”

“What?”

“I said you are.”

“Yeah, I got that.” He said softly as he slowly sat down next to his girlfriend. “But why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m not.” She said, looking away.

“Yes you are. Did something happen?” He asked worriedly.

“When? I had my application interview, remember?” She snapped.

And then Sam realised. Jessica had had her interview. And he hadn’t even asked her anything about it.

“Oh. I’m sorry, Jess. I kinda forgot about it.” He admitted. “So… How did it go?”

“Great. It was great.” She hissed.

“But is that why you’re upset? Cause I forgot to ask?”

There was another silence, and as soon as Sam noticed the silent tear that rolled down her cheek, he immediately moved closer to his girlfriend. He looked into her eyes, trying to figure out what was wrong.

“Something happened, didn’t it?” He asked softly.

When he saw the tears were spilling more frequently now, he grabbed her hand and gently squeezed it. “Hey… It’s okay, Jess. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I can’t help you if you don’t.”

“It’s just…” She started. “I don’t know what to do, Sam. I really don’t know.”

“Is this about that interview? Did they tell you you weren’t good enough? Cause if they did, they don’t deserve you. You’re amazing and professional and-“

“I got the fucking job, alright?!” She snapped suddenly, causing Sam to flinch. After her outburst her eyes softened and she hid her face in her hands, sighing.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I- I did get the job, but they offered me something else too.” She said softly. “They asked me if it was possible for me to work somewhere else. And we won’t be able to really see each other.”

Sam swung his arm around her and hugged her close. “It’s not gonna be that bad, right? I mean- A few days without you I can survive.”

“I’m not talking about days, Sam.” She said as she rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m talking about _months._ If not _years_.”

Sam swallowed. “ _What_?! How is-“

“They asked if I wanted to join their orphan project in Africa.”

“God, Jess! That’s amazing! Please tell me you said yes.”

Jessica shook her head. “I told them I had to think about it. But I’ll have to call before the evening.”

“It’s the perfect job for you! You definitely have to say yes.”

“It is, but… But I will have to stay there for three years, Sam. _Three_! I won’t be able to be with you, feel you, see you or maybe even _hear_ you!”

Sam sighed. “I know. But sometimes you have to make choices in your life. And this is an opportunity you get only once in your lifetime, Jess. And knowing that you’re having fun and you’re doing the things you like makes it worth not seeing you.”

“But… How are we going to do that, Sam? Are we even gonna stay together?” She asked.

“Of course!” Sam assured. “What would I do without you?”

Jessica shrugged. “Crash and burn.”

Sam huffed. “So you’re gonna call them back and tell them that you’re gonna do it?”

“Okay, fine. But promise me that we’re gonna skype every day, okay? So that we won’t miss each other that much?”

Sam sighed. He knew he was going to miss her anyway. God, he already missed her if he hadn’t seen his girlfriend for a few hours. How was he going to live without her? What if Jessica was going to lose her interest in him? What if she was going to break up withhim? What if _he_ just wasn’t going to be able to handle it?

But he couldn’t tell his girlfriend all this. He knew this was her dream job, and she just _had_ to take this opportunity. No one should be stopping her, and definitely not _he_.

“Sure.” He smiled. But on the inside he was _dying_.

 

***

 

“Cassieee!” He heard as he opened the door, and before he knew it his brother’s body was pressed against him in a tight hug. “How is my favorite sibling?”

“I- Erm…” Castiel muttered. “I am fine, thank you. Can you let go of me, please?”

Gabriel loosened his grip. “Awhh… Don’t you like our little brother-bonding time? I’ve missed you, you know?”

“Gabriel, I am serious. Let go of me.”

“Geez, fine, Mr. Isolate.” Gabriel huffed as he let go of his brother and walked inside.

“Why are you here?” Castiel asked as Gabriel hung his coat on a hook.

The other looked up, surprised. “Why not? I just wanted to talk to you. Mostly ‘cause you seemed a bit off for the last few days.”

Castiel held his breath. Did he know about Dean? Was it that obvious? Did Gabriel see them when they had been holding hands and walking through the park?

“Wha- What are you talking about?” He asked as they made their way to the couch. “There is nothing _wrong_ with me.”

“Okay. So there _is_ something going on?” Gabriel asked suspiciously.

“I- I don’t know. Maybe?” Castiel replied. “And I certainly don’t know if I should be talking about this with _you_.”

“Ahhh, Cassie! I’m offended! You know you can tell me everything, right? I’m soooo trustworthy!” Gabriel said as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Castiel huffed humorlessly. “I don’t know. Do you already know what it is?”

Gabriel huffed. “No! Otherwise I wouldn’t ask it, smartass!”

Oh. So he didn’t _have_ to explain anything. But now his brother already knew that there _was_ something going on. Castiel bit his lip. Was it smart to talk with someone about his feelings?

Anna had always told him that it would be so much easier to deal with things if you talked about it with someone. But would it be a good choice to tell _Gabriel_? The sibling who ran away from home? The sibling who was known by his tricks and his lies?

But also the one who always had been there for Castiel, who had cared for him so much that he had tried to protect him and stood up against his own mother for him?

Yes. Maybe he _should_ tell Gabriel.

“Okay. I assume you do know Dean Winchester?” Castiel started.

“Yup. Mr. Freckles. He’s that new friend of yours, right?”

“Yes.”

Gabriel nodded. “Sooo… What’s up with him?”

“I- I think I… I don’t know if-” Castiel stammered. “I think I like him, Gabriel.”

His brother raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I kinda figured.” He said. “So are you now like, besties or something?”

“No, it is not like that.” Castiel said as the heat grew in his chest. “The point is I don’t know if-“

“Oh my god. Cassie?!” Gabriel yelled all of a sudden. “Are you _coming out?!_ ”

“Sshhh, quiet!” Castiel hissed.

“Well helloooo…! How can I be quiet if my bro just told me he’s crazy for a dude?!” He shouted.

This wasn’t going well. What if someone heard them? What if suddenly everyone knew he had fallen in love with a man?

“Gabriel!” He snarled. “Just listen to me for one minute! You never listen to me!”

His brother rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. “Fiiinne. But geez, Cassie, I didn’t know you could be such a drama queen.”

“I am not _crazy_ for him, I just- I think he is really nice and-“ He cleared his throat, and he could already feel the blush creeping up to his face. “I don’t know. His eyes are just pretty, and he smells good, and he _is_ attractive.”

“Ohhh Cassie! You don’t even know how cute you are! Look at you, all blushing and melting for a Winchester! You’re soooo in love.”

“Shut up, Gabriel.” He mocked. “I shouldn’t have told you.”

“How do you know how he smells, though?” Gabriel asked. “Have you been so close to him already?”

“Well, when we were in the park together we-“

“What?! You two were on a _date_? And I didn’t know about it?!” Gabriel snapped, almost jumping up from the couch.

“It was _not_ a date, we were just going for a _walk_.” Castiel explained.

“Yeah, and getting so close to him that you could smell him. Sure, Cassie.”

“But he smells so wonderful, Gabriel. And he is so strong, and gentle at the same time. Just like his hands. He is so careful with-”

“Whoaaa wait a second!” Gabriel yelled again. “Did you touch his damn _hand_? Were you two _holding hands_?!”

Castiel couldn’t hide the smile that shamelessly appeared on his face, along with another blush. “Yes.” He said proudly. “And I made it happen all by myself.”

Gabriel laughed and clapped his hands.  “I’m proud of you, bro! Couldn’t have guessed you would ever take control. So when are you guys going to be lovebirds?”

“Lovebirds?! What are you guys talking about?” Dean’s voice sounded through the living room, and when Castiel looked over his shoulder he was staring directly into those green eyes.

Dean was standing in the doorway. And he had probably heard a part of the conversation, maybe even the whole thing. Then he would know that Castiel was in love with him. But would that be a bad thing? Maybe Dean liked him too, and-

“Deanooo!” Gabriel said, obviously surprised by his sudden entry, too. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I- Uhm… I was just walking past and I noticed the door was still open. Then I heard you guys talking, so…”

Castiel clenched his jaw. So maybe Dean _had_ heard everything. Panic started to grow in his chest as even more thoughts spun through his head. What if this had ruined everything? What if this couldn’t be fixed?

“You can’t simply walk in, Dean!” Castiel snarled suddenly. What if everything was ruined because of him? What was Dean thinking? That this was _his_ home? The thought of Dean living with him made his insides turn, but still it couldn’t stop the growing rage. “ _Never_ walk in here without ringing the bell. Is that so hard to remember?”

“Oh, erm…” Dean stumbled, turning bright red. “I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t- I didn’t know it would be a problem. I- Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Castiel stared right into his green eyes now, and that’s when Castiel felt guilty. Dean looked so weak like this. So _fragile_. He was obviously hurt by his sudden outburst, and Castiel knew he didn’t mean to upset him. Maybe he had wanted to visit him, say hi, go for a walk again- Either way, he had meant it well.

Castiel sighed. “I’m sorry, Dean. I should not have yelled at you. But next time, use the doorbell please.” He said softly, feeling his own face heating up. “So… What were you planning to do here?”

“I- Uhm… I thought, maybe we could like, go for another walk? I mean, I really like it, you know?” Dean stammered, and in the background Castiel could hear Gabriel’s silent laugh, but he decided to ignore it.

“Of course, Dean. I do like our walks myself.” He admitted softly. “Do you want to go right now? I don’t have anything planned yet.”

And then Gabriel interfered. “Hey! Are you telling me I have to go already?”

“I’m sorry, Gabriel.” Castiel said with a smirk. “But I think I informed you enough and there is nothing left to talk about.”

“Pssh. But hey, fine! No problemo! I’ll just leave you two, you know, alone. _Together_.” He teased as he stood up and winked at Dean. “Bye, Deano. Have fun, and take good care of my little bro. Gabriel out!”

After that there was an awkward silence, until they both were sure Gabriel had definitely left the house.

“What was that about?” Dean asked curiously. “Were you guys having a fight or something?”

“No, not really. But I prefer not to talk about it.”

“Okay, fine.” Dean shrugged. “But you know I’m here for you, right?”

Castiel smiled widely, happy that Dean still cared about him. “Yes, Dean. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

 

***

 

Sam was reading a one of his books while Ollie was playing with the toy duck he had bought for him together with Gabriel. In the pet shop they had picked the nicest dog basket they could find, along with a stock of dog food and, of course, the duck.

As soon as Gabriel had spotted the damn thing he hadn’t let go of it, even after Sam had assured him they already had enough tennis balls for Ollie to play with. So Sam had just accepted it and bought the toy.

And it appeared Gabriel had made a good choice, because Ollie and his new toy were inseparable since they had met. Even though the toy made a horrible noise, Sam still didn’t regret buying it at all. He didn’t know if it was just him, but Ollie looked a lot happier now that he had his new stuff.

But the peace was gone as soon as the front door had opened again, almost twenty minutes after Gabriel had left to visit his brother.

He heard a loud sneeze, followed by a curse. Sam looked up, curious who had just entered the house, and before he knew it Alastair was standing in the doorway of the living room, eyes filled with anger. “Who let this fucking fleabag in?! You know that I’m allergic to those fuckers!” He shouted as he pointed at Ollie.

“That’s Ollie.” Sam said simply. “And he’s gonna stay with us, because he doesn’t have another home. Deal with it.”

“I ain’t dealing with nothing!” Alastair growled as he walked  towards Ollie, who was looking at him in confusion. “Just look at this mongrel! I don’t want this thing in my house!”

“First of all, this is _our_ house, and we can’t just throw him out.”

Alastair smirked. “We’ll see about that.” He said as he bent over and picked up the dog.

“Careful! His fucking legs are broken! Put him down!” Sam yelled as he threw his book on the ground and jumped up from his chair.

“Broken? Oh, that’s why he has _this_.” Alastair grinned as he roughly squeezed Ollie’s wrapped leg.

Ollie let out a loud squeal, and before Sam could do anything about it, Alastair dropped the dog with a loud cry.

“Fuck, that nasty thing fucking bit me!” He snarled as blood started to spill out of his hand onto the ground.

Ollie was on the ground now, still softly whining and lying completely still. Fuck. He wasn’t moving. This couldn’t be good.

“It’s your own fault! You hurt him, Jerk!” Sam yelled as he walked towards Ollie.

“No one harms me, not even a filthy beast like this!” Alastair shouted as he pushed Sam away from the dog, causing him to fall over and hit the table with the back of his head, leaving him helplessly lying on the ground, doomed to watch the spectacle that was about to happen.

He saw how Alastair wore a smug on his face as he exultantly lifted his leg and forcefully kicked it forward against Ollie’s fragile body.

“Ollie! Nooo!”

The sound of Gabriel’s voice dominated the nauseating noise of Ollie’s cracking bones and his loud whines.

“Gabe, call a doctor.” Sam mumbled as he slowly got up, rubbing the back of his head. “Call a doctor, goddammit!”

 

***

 

“He’s- He’s not doing well.” Sam stumbled as the doctor rushed into the house.

“Where is he?” The doctor asked as he threw his coat on the stairs.

“In the living room.” He breathed. “On the big table.”

The doctor smiled softly. “I’ll try my best, and we’re gonna help him either way.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Sam said, while on the background Ollie’s whining still hadn’t stopped.

 

***

 

Everyone was standing around the table. The doctor, Sam, Gabriel, Jessica, and even Alastair and Gordon. Gabriel was gently petting the dog as the doctor spoke.

“He is really calm right now, but he isn’t doing well. He is obviously in great pain, and his breathing is desultory and his heartbeat isn’t good.”

Sam could hear the soft sobbing of Gabriel in the background as the doctor continued.

“He is already dying, but it could take a while before that will actually happen. It’s up to you to decide if you want to do something about that, but I suggest I put him down as soon as possible.

“No…” Gabriel whispered as he carefully hugged the dog. “Please no…”

“Gabriel…” Sam said softly as he put his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s the only thing we can do for him. And it’s the best for him.”

“I think it’s the most wonderful thing you can do for him right now.” The doctor added. “It’s really sad, but you can help him to pass away in an amazing place where he is with his new friends.”

“You can do it, Doctor.” Sam said softly. “Do you agree, Gabriel?”

“Mmmm.” Gabriel murmured as he let go of Ollie and moved closer to Sam.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes. It’s a yes, alright?!” Gabriel sobbed, before he hid his face in the fabric of Sam’s shirt.

The doctor nodded. “I will give you some time to say goodbye while I prepare the injections.” He walked to his bag and started fumbling in it.

They all prepared themselves for their last moments with their Ollie. While Alastair and Gordon were softly talking in the background, Sam and Gabriel kept telling the dog that it was going to be okay and that he would always stay their favorite little friend.

Sam kept checking if Gabriel was doing okay. And he wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t.

Tears were streaming down his face while he kept petting Ollie. Gabriel had been so happy when Sam had introduced him to their new friend. And sadly, that happy moment hadn’t lasted long. But it was better this way, and both of them knew that.

“If you’re ready for it…” The doctor started carefully. “I have two injections ready. The first contains some sort of sleeping medicine which makes Ollie fall into a deep sleep. The second is the deadly injection."

“Alright.” Sam said. “You wanna go first, Gabe?”

He nodded. “Bye, Ollie. I’ll never forget about you.” Gabriel whispered between his sobs. “You were a badass friend.”

“Goodbye, Ollie. We will miss you.” Sam smiled weakly as he petted the dog one last time before making room for the doctor. He stepped aside, but he kept his hand on one of Ollie’s soft paws. “I think you should do it now, Doctor. It’s not gonna get easier anyway.”

The doctor took one last deep breath before he did it. The turbid liquid that filled the first syringe slowly was pressed out of the glass tube, into the trembling body of the dog.

Ollie had his eyes open and was looking up to Gabriel, who was bending over him. Gabriel smiled weakly and pressed a gentle kiss on his ear. Slowly but surely the dog’s eyes were closing and he gradually fell asleep.

It was unbelievably silent in their living room, except for some soft sobbing. Everyone was keeping their eyes onto the sleeping dog. After a moment the doctor checked his heartbeat and breathing again.

“He’s far gone already.” He said calmly. “He doesn’t feel anything anymore now.”

Gabriel nodded and did a step back. He was standing next to Sam again now, but when the doctor was giving Ollie the second and last injection, he couldn’t look anymore and hid his face in the crook of Sam’s neck.

After that, it was all over. In a few minutes their newest friend Ollie was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo sorry if this chapter made you guys sad. Please don't kill me. <3  
> Next chapters are going to be a little more happy, so yay! :)  
> I hope you enjoyed anyway, and please let me know what you think about everything!  
> Thank you so much for reading, I love you all so much and I appreciate every single one of you!  
> <3


	23. Doors of Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had never expected to fall in love with someone this fast. Sam’s feelings had hit him hard once he realized Jessica had to be the one and only for him.
> 
> It wasn’t until now that he just didn’t realise that he was in too deep. He’d always known he couldn’t live without her, but now he had to.
> 
> They had just been watching a movie in his room when she had fallen asleep with her head resting in his lap. The movie forgotten, Sam looked down to the sleeping face of his girlfriend, carefully tracing his fingers along the features of Jessica’s face, engraving every detail into memory.
> 
> There was a content expression etched onto her face that made Sam feel so warm inside, he could explode at any given moment. The feeling was still so foreign to him. He had never felt anything so overwhelming before.
> 
> “I don’t know what to do, Jess. Dad left, Gabe left, and now you’re going to leave…” He whispered, still tracing the lines on her cheekbones. “What if everyone leaves? I can’t live without you, Jessica. I love you. I really do.” Once these words came out, he knew that he had meant it.

“What do you mean you’re leaving again?!” Sam yelled as he stood up and walked towards his friend, leaving his unfinished homework on the table.

“It’s just… Anna… And I- I just don’t know anymore, Sammy.” Gabriel said softly. “It’s just all the things together, first the whole Crowley thingy, and-“ He swallowed. “Yesterday. Anna told me that-“

“Fuck Anna!” Sam shouted as he slammed his fist on the table, causing Gabriel to flinch. “You can’t just leave me here! Don’t pretend it’s only you who’s suffering from yesterday!”

“It’s not only that. I- She told me that it would be a good idea to go on a small vacation together. Just get outta here and visit our brother Balthazar.”

“And where does this ‘Balthazar’ live?! Let me guess, far away from here?” Sam snarled.

“It’s a few hour drive from here. It’s not that far, and I’ll be back in a few weeks, I promise!”

Sam huffed humorlessly.

“Oh come on! What exactly is your problem?” Gabriel snapped. “I don’t need your damn approval!”

“You could like, you know, just go without telling me! Like you did with your family a few years ago, remember? So why are you telling me all this?!”

“I- I don’t know. I just wanted to let you know, okay? I thought you were different. I thought you actually _cared_.”

“Oh, please. Don’t be such a drama queen!”

“Who’s being the drama queen here? _You’re_ getting all wild cause I’m leaving for a few weeks.”

There was a long silence before Sam spoke up again. “You know what? Why don’t you just leave now?”

“Don’t be like that, Sammy. Come on, I-“ Gabriel said softly.

“Don’t you want to be with your damn family a little longer? I’m sure they would like that!” He continued.

“Please, Sam. Don’t be like this. I haven’t seen him in years. You understand that, right? And if my family never sees me anymore, they’re gonna miss me, and-“

“ _They_ are gonna miss you?!” Sam snarled. “They can’t even take care of you! They don’t even see it when you’re feeling like shit or when you need them. They don’t deserve you!”

“It’s my family, Sam. I care about them, and they care about me.”

Again there was a silence. “Alright. If you really think you’re better off with them, then just leave. I don’t care anymore. I’m so tired of you and your damn family.”

Gabriel looked up at him with watery eyes and stared at him for a few moments. Sam was the one who looked away and turned his back on his friend. He heard a few footsteps and then the sound of Gabriel lifting up his bag. Gabriel opened the door, but before he left the living room and closed the door behind him, he added one last thing.

“At least I _have_ a family.”

And then the door was slammed shut.

 

 

***

 

“Sooo…” Charlie said teasingly. “How is your boyfriend doing?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Dean grumbled as he brought the coffee mug up to his mouth and took a sip.

“Whoa! What happened to the macho Deano I’ve met a few days ago? I’d thought you would’ve gotten laid at least twice already!” Charlie cackled.

“I dunno. I haven’t really gotten any chances yet.” He lied. “Bastard’s got a busy life, I guess.”

“Oh, Dean! You should do a little effort, come on! The way you’ve been talking about him, oh man! You can’t let that husband-of-your-dreams get away!”

“Charlie!” He warned. “Be quiet, goddammit! I don’t want everyone to know about it, okay?”

“Why? Maybe then that Castiel dude knows that you’re up for some hot sex!”

Luckily, their conversation paused the moment Jo placed a plate with fresh sandwiches on the table and sat down as well. “Ugh, is she being pushy again?” She asked as she picked one of the sandwiches.

“Yeah. She is.” Dean huffed as he quickly grabbed the turkey sandwich before Charlie even had a chance to snatch it away from him.

“Oh, you sneaky little bitch!” Charlie yelled as she reached out and tried to steal the sandwich from him. “That one was mine, right?” She asked as she gave Jo the sad puppy look.

“Nope. I’m not writing your damn name on my delicious sandwiches.” Jo laughed as she grabbed another one and dropped it on Charlie’s plate. “Here you go, this one’s pretty good as well.”

“Fiiine.” Charlie sighed as she started to practically attack her lunch. After she had finished her first sandwich, she started talking again. “But… Why don’t you just give it a shot, then?”

Dean nearly choked on his sandwich. “I- Ermmm.” He swallowed the whole bite without chewing. “I dunno… I-“

“Ooohhh. It’s like  _that_!” She chattered. “You’re just being a  _pussy_! Dean Winchester is a pussy!”

Jo giggled nervously and Dean’s face started to turn red as he looked around to see that the people sitting at the table next to theirs were giving them an angry look.  _Great._  He thought.  _Now everyone knows I’m gay._

But luckily Ellen interrupted the awkward conversation. “Hey! You’re scaring my potential customers!” She grumbled.

“Ughh Mooooom!” Jo complained, rolling her eyes. “We’re just having fun!”

“Yeah, you two are, but I’m pretty sure Dean isn’t. Are they making fun of you, boy?” Ellen asked, looking at him with soft eyes.

Dean felt his cheeks turning even redder. “Ermm.. No Ma’am, it’s just-“

“Dean is in love but he is scared to tell Castiel about his feelings.” Jo said suddenly, causing Charlie to laugh hysterically.

“Oh, girls, come on! Let Dean talk for himself!” Ellen growled before facing him again. “It’s okay, boy. There’s no need to be ashamed, this happens to everyone. I still remember how Jo reacted when she had her first crush-“

“Moooom! Please, not in the center of attention!” Jo whined. “Everyone can hear us!”

“Yeah, I know. But you two were talking about Dean like this, too. So why is this any different?”

“It’s just- Arghh, you’re just ruining everything!” Jo growled as she crossed her arms.

“Hey, it’s okay, Jo-jo. It doesn’t matter, we’re all fine, right?” She asked as she looked at Dean.

He nodded and smiled weakly. “Yeah, it’s fine, Jo. Don’t worry.”

“Yeah, as if you’re the expert here, Charlie.” Jo teased as she poked her girlfriend’s side, causing her to nearly knock her glass off the table.

“Geez! Don’t do that shit, young lady! You’re gonna regret that!” Charlie laughed as she poked her back.

Charlie and Jo continued their little fight, but in the meantime Dean and Ellen were having their own little conversation.

“You know what, Dean?” Ellen said finally, making sure she was talking softly so that neither Jo or Charlie could hear her. “I think you should go for it. You’re an amazing boy, and damn attractive too.”

“But… How should I tell him? I don’t know how to do that shit. I mean… What if he doesn’t like boys?” Dean asked.

“Just admit that you really like him. Tell him you maybe want to be more than just friends and that you care about him. Give him little hints so that he knows he’s special to you.”

The idea of being alone with Cas again and just  _talking_ to him made his heart race in his chest. Heat crept up his face again, now only creating a small blush on his cheeks as he laughed nervously. “Mmkay. Maybe I should just give it a shot.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Ellen whispered. “So… When are you seeing him again?”

“I dunno. Haven’t planned anything yet.”

“Why don’t you just go right now?

“Right now?!” He swallowed. “Ermm… Isn’t that weird?”

“Why would that be weird? You’re making it weird, Dean! Don’t worry!”

“Why the fuck shouldn’t I be worried? I’m gonna fuck this up, mark my goddamn words!”

“You’re gonna be fine, Dean!” She assured him.

“And what about the lunch? I haven’t paid for it yet, and-“

“It’s okay, I got ya covered!” She said as she winked at him. “Just go already!”

“Alright, fine. But if it’s gonna ruin everything I’m gonna blame you.”

“Deal.” She smiled, before she continued cleaning a few glasses.

“What?! You’re leaving already?” Jo asked, finally noticing Dean was putting on his jacket.

“Yeah, ermm… I kinda forgot about something…” He lied. “I had this thing at the garage… I’ll talk to you later, okay? I gotta hurry!”

“Erm… Okay? I guess?” Jo said suspiciously. “See you later, Deano.”

Charlie waved at him. “Kay, bye Dean! See you later alligator!”

“Bye!” He said with a big smile before he walked towards the bar to talk to the barista once again.

“Thanks, Ellen.” He said softly. “Thanks for everything.”

“No problem, boy. Now go hunt down that angel of yours.”

 

***

 

He had never expected to fall in love with someone this fast. Sam’s feelings had hit him hard once he realized Jessica had to be the one and only for him.

It wasn’t until now that he just didn’t realise that he was in too deep. He’d always known he couldn’t live without her, but now he _had_ to.

They had just been watching a movie in his room when she had fallen asleep with her head resting in his lap. The movie forgotten, Sam looked down to the sleeping face of his girlfriend, carefully tracing his fingers along the features of Jessica’s face, engraving every detail into memory.

There was a content expression etched onto her face that made Sam feel so warm inside, he could explode at any given moment. The feeling was still so foreign to him. He had never felt anything so overwhelming before.

“I don’t know what to do, Jess. Dad left, Gabe left, and now you’re going to leave…” He whispered, still tracing the lines on her cheekbones. “What if everyone leaves? I can’t live without you, Jessica. I love you. I really do.” Once these words came out, he knew that he had meant it.

Not a moment later, Sam froze in place when he saw Jessica’s mouth tilted up into a small grin. The girl opened her eyes, light brown locking gaze with hazel orbs. Her eyes were brighter than usual, but there was a hint of mischief behind them.

“Uh…” Sam started, trying to think of an excuse, but was interrupted when Jessica rested a hand on the back of his head, pulling him down into a kiss.

When they pulled apart, the grin on Jessica’s face grew wider.

Huffing, the young Winchester flicked his girlfriend’s forehead. “That’s so damn sneaky of you, pretending to sleep.”

Rubbing her forehead, Jessica playfully stuck out her tongue at him. “If I hadn’t done that, then I wouldn’t have known about your manly thoughts. You’re more truthful when I’m asleep than when I’m awake.”

Rolling his eyes, Sam brushed away the hair that was lingering in front of her eyes. “Still that was a mean trick to do.”

Jessica grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers together. “Now I know what’s really bothering you.”

Sam sighed. “Mmyeah. What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

“Very early, around 4 or 5 am I think. And I’ll try not to wake you if you’re asleep, just so you know.”

“But-“

“One of my new colleagues is going to pick me up here, so you really don’t have to worry. I’ll call you as soon as I’m at the airport.”

“Fine.” He said dryly.

“And I’m going to miss you too, Sam. I’m really, _really_ going to miss you. I will think about you every night before I go to sleep, and I’ll remember your face every time I wake up.” And before he could reply, Jessica pulled him down into another kiss. “I love you, too.” She whispered against his lips.

 

***

 

Hearing the sound of running water, Sam woke from his slumber. He slowly opened his eyes to see the unoccupied space next to him. He laid a hand on the empty space, feeling the lingering warmth his girlfriend had left behind, and glanced at the clock. It was only three am, so Jessica shouldn’t be leaving just yet.

As he heard the bathroom door opening, Sam quickly retracted his hand and shut his eyes, not wanting Jessica to know he had woken up. He could feel the space next to him sink down as his girlfriend sat down on the bed. Though his eyes were closed, he knew what she was doing.

Her routine was the same as usual. Jessica would wake up in the middle of the night and head straight to the bathroom to freshen up. Then she would sit down on the bed, like she was doing now,  humming an all too familiar tune, before lying down and fall asleep again.

Sam knew all of her repetitive movements because he would always watch her through his half-lidded eyes. Not once had her routine changed. It had always been the same ever since he first started sleeping with her. But today it was different.

Sam felt a hand softly caressing his cheek, making his whole body shudder. Pretending to wake up, he slowly opened his eyes to stare at her.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Jessica asked, withdrawing her hand.

Sam shook his head, forcing himself into a sitting position. The blanket that had been covering him slid down to reveal his bare chest as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, only to stop when he noticed his girlfriend’s eyes on him.

“What?”

Smiling, Jessica cupped his face and leaned in closer, slowly erasing the space between them. Sam could smell a flowery smell coming from her, the scent that he had become addicted to. The kiss was innocent at first, but it gradually changed into a more passionate one as Jessica pushed him to lie back down on the bed.

She caressed his cheek again, breaking the kiss to stare into his hazel eyes again. “You’re amazing, Sam. And I love you. Never forget that, okay?” She said with a smile plastered onto her face. Seeing Sam’s flushed cheeks, she chuckled and leaned down, intending to kiss him again, but was interrupted by the sound of a phone going off.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Sam asked after staring at the phone on the bedside table for a few moments.

Heaving a sigh, his girlfriend got up from the bed and grabbed the phone. She stared at it for a while before going into the bathroom to answer it.

Now lying on his stomach, Sam rested his head on his crossed arms and closed his eyes. He could feel his heart throbbing in pain as he bit down on his lip, still tasting Jessica’s lips on his. And he _knew_ why she didn’t want to answer the call in front of him.

It was definitely something about her work, probably one of her colleagues telling her to hurry up. Telling her that they were waiting for her in their car. Telling her to say goodbye to him one last time. Because maybe they were never going to see each other again after that.

No, he shouldn’t be thinking that. This was what they had decided on, and they were going to talk to each other every day. Everything was going to be fine.

Hearing the bathroom door open, Sam opened his eyes to see Jessica walking out with a cold look on her face. She sat down on the bed again, but now her back facing him. Silence flooded through the room as the both of them were lost in their own thoughts.

Sam stared at the back of his girlfriend before sitting up and crawling over to her. He rested his cheek against her shoulder as he hugged her from behind. Sam wanted this moment to last forever, not wanting to ever let her go, but he knew he had to.

He could feel his heart beat wildly against his chest, along with the feeling of his hand caressing hers. In response, she kissed his cheek, creating a blissful, but at the same time a heart breaking warmth inside of him. Unconsciously, a tear appeared at the corner of his eyes, slowly making its way down his cheeks.

Feeling the tears, Sam quickly pulled back from his girlfriend to wipe away his tears before she could see them.

Jessica turned to face him, an expression of concern plastered to his face. “Sam? Are you okay?”

Sam’s heart clenched at her worried eyes. “I’m fine.” He replied, faking a smile. Silence filled the room as she continued staring at him, obviously not seeming to believe his words. Sam averted her gaze. “You should get going.”

From the corner of his eyes, he could see his girlfriend’s expression shifting into a sad one as she processed his words. Jessica opened her mouth, wanting to say something, but closed it again and reluctantly got up from the bed to get dressed.

As his girlfriend got ready to leave, Sam could feel his heart throbbing painfully against his chest. It was like his heart was made of glass, cracking under pressure with each article of clothes she put on.

He wanted to hold her back and never let her leave, but he knew he couldn’t. Jessica didn’t belong to him. She belonged to herself. And he knew that she really wanted this job.

Painful or not, whether it was the wrong thing to do or not, Sam refused to let go of this heart breaking connection between them. He would never be able to forget about her, and he would never be able to stop his feelings for _his_ Jessica.

“Okay, I’m ready.” She said, her voice breaking Sam out of his depressing thoughts. He looked up to see her standing by the bed, a bag slung over her shoulder.

Sam forced a weak smile onto his face as he stood up. “Okay, let’s go downstairs then.”

And suddenly, before he knew it, he was standing outside, his arms tightly wrapped around his girlfriend. “Be careful, Jessica. Call me as soon as you get at the airport, okay?”

Jessica nodded, smiling softly, and placed one last soft kiss on his lips. It was the goodbye kiss. The kind of kiss Sam hated the most. Once those lips retracted from him, he would crave for her warmth again.

Breaking the kiss, Jessica stared at Sam for a moment before making her way to the car already waiting for her. “I’ll call you as soon as possible, Sam. I’ll miss you terribly.”

“I’ll miss you too, Jess. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sam.”

And then Sam just stood there, watching how Jessica got closer and closer to the car. He wasn’t going to see her for the next few months. He was going to miss her. His girlfriend. His Jessica.

“Wait! Jess!” He shouted suddenly, causing her to pause and turn around.

He ran to his girlfriend and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her again. And again. And again. He couldn’t let go. He just _couldn’t_.

“Sam…” Jessica laughed nervously between the kisses. “I really have to go now, or we’re gonna miss our flight.”

He took a deep breath and slowly loosened his grip, allowing Jessica to turn around and open the car door.

A sob escaped Sam’s throat as he saw his girlfriend getting in the car and slamming the door shut. She waved one last time, and then she was gone. Now she was _really_ gone. And he was alone. _Again_.

Sam ran up to the stairs, not caring if he woke the others or not, and jumped onto his bed again, burying his face into the pillow next to his and taking in Jessica’s scent.

And then the cracked glass was shattered into pieces.

 


	24. Emptied Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time had just gotten away from him, and he couldn’t seem to catch up. Because now autumn was fading so quickly into winter that it felt like he had missed it completely. Sam looked around him, trying to take it in. 
> 
> Fallen leaves were lining the residential street, scattered across the pavement and piled up in the gutters. The leaves were covering the lawns, crunching under his feet, and their myriad colors were muting under the grey sky. Shouldn’t it be prettier than this? Last year it had all seemed so much more beautiful.
> 
> And yet here he was, after two of the closest persons in his life had left.

“So…” Dean started nervously after he had cleared his throat once again, trying not to spill his coffee on the obviously way too expensive couch. “What were you doing?”

Castiel took another sip of his drink before smiling softly. “Reading.”

“Reading?” Dean huffed. “Isn’t that for, you know, nerds or something?”

“No? Why?” Castiel asked, tilting his head. “Reading can be really enjoyable, Dean.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“So you don’t believe me?”

“Nope.” Dean shrugged. “I just don’t like reading. I’ve never read a damn book.”

“Are you telling me you have never read a single book in your _entire_ _life_?”

Dean scratched the back of his head. “Well… Not really. But, you know… Dad always said that reading was useless, and yeah…  I’ve never really had time for it anyway.”

“But now you definitely _do_ have time. What if I gave you one of my favorite books?  Would you read it then?”

Dean laughed humorlessly. “Erm, I dunno. I think I-“

“Wait let me get it for you!” Castiel said enthusiastically, jumping up from his chair and practically storming towards his bookshelf.

“Cas… I- You really don’t have to-“ He laughed nervously, but his friend was already scanning his books, searching for that one title as he ran his fingers along the spines of the books on the first shelf.

“Here it is!” Castiel said as he paused and pulled a slim book out of the mix, before pressing the old book into Dean’s face. “My father gave this one to me before he… Before he _left_ , and this book inspired me to start writing myself.”

Dean hesitated before taking the book, but never letting go of Castiel’s strong gaze. “Do you write?”

“Well… Years ago I thought I would be a great poet or maybe I had written a best-selling book, but in actuality I have no literature degree, no poems or books, and try to write some articles for the local newspaper. It is far less romantic than the future I had envisioned. “

Dean huffed a noise of agreement. “I thought I’d never have a future, so I dropped out of school and now I’m a mechanic. I’m still not sure if this is really what I want to be, but yeah. Everything’s too expensive to think about.”

“Well said.” Castiel noted. “Though I am sure you never anticipated this as your future.”

“Nah.” Dean said. “But ‘this’ is not much, if you ask me.”

Castiel frowned. “’This’ is enough. You never know how good everything will become, Dean. That’s the beauty of life, it’s unexpected and fresh.”

“Yeah, as fresh as that book you pressed into my face a few minutes ago?”

Castiel huffed, but didn’t respond. In the seconds of silence, Dean gently ran his fingers over the front of the old book. Under the thin layer of dust was hidden a dark crimson red cover, imprinted with swirly and large golden letters.

“It’s really a good one.” Castiel reassured him, breaking the pleasant quietness.

“I hope so. I fucking _hated_ the books that I got assigned for school and crap, though. I just like movies way better, so I just watched those instead of reading the books-”

Castiel cut him off. “What movies do you typically watch?” He quickly knitted his brows together. “Oh… But do you even want to try and read this? Because you do not have to if you really don’t want to, it’s totally-“

“No! No, I’ll read it!” Dean rushed to say. “I- Uh… I like sci-fi and stuff.”

The light frown on Castiel’s face slowly faded into a soft smile. “Good. Have you ever heard about Bradbury?”

Dean shook his head.

“The book is called The Illustrated Man.” Castiel said. “I have a feeling that you would like it.”

“Erm… Alright, thanks man.”

“Do you like tea? Because I was planning to make some, and maybe you can start reading while I am busy?”

Dean was tended to wrinkle his nose in disgust, but he stopped himself just in time. Tea meant another drink. Another drink meant more time needed to finish. More time here meant more time with Castiel.

He nodded. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

 

***

 

Thoughts about Castiel were spinning around in his head. They were supposed to be _reading_ together, but Dean _really_ couldn’t focus.  All he could see was how Castiel was reading his book.

 

God, he looked even more beautiful when he was concentrated. How he softly bit his lip as he turned over another page, how a frown appeared on his face as he probably didn’t understand a sentence, how he smiled as something happened in the story- it all made Dean’s insides tingle.

Dean absently grabbed his tea cup and lifted it up towards his lips, causing Castiel to look up from his book and huff amusedly.

 

“What?!” Dean snapped. “Why are you laughing?”

 Castiel didn't say anything to that, but he kept smiling at Dean. It was a barely-there smile, but it was still there. In the silence Dean couldn't help but look around in the room. Castiel and his place felt  _good._  It felt like a safe place. Like  _home_.

“Dean?” Castiel said suddenly.

“Hmm?”

“I said that your cup is empty. You finished your tea a few minutes ago.” His friend said with an amused voice.

“What? Oh, crap, I'm sorry. I guess you want me to leave you alone now.”

“Not entirely." Castiel responded. "I would like to finish my book, but… Perhaps you would like to join me tonight? I could make us coffee or some more tea, and maybe we could talk about the book I have given you? We have been reading for almost thirty minutes already, so if you can read some more at home, we could discuss-”

Dean’s face colored. “I didn’t actually get around to reading it.”

“What?”

“I was kinda busy with- Ermm… Thinking and stuff. I did read the first few pages, though. But it's kinda hard to read when, you know, you’ve got some problems kicking your ass.”

Castiel huffed out another laugh. “Well, that book is really easy to talk about even if you haven’t finished, as I am sure you have gathered. But I will not pressure you into my company. I am not much fun, at least not now.”

“I think you're alright.” Dean said, brows pinching together. He avoided saying what else he thought of Cas –  _you smell like heaven, your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen, your laugh is adorable, you're the most amazing person I've ever met –_ because it was probably awkward to hear that from a dude like him. 

At Castiel’s steady gaze, Dean added something else. "And tonight I’m available. When should we hang out?”

“Around ten?” Castiel suggested. “That way it will be much more quiet outside on the streets. And I prefer quiet.”

To most people, Dean would say to shove their quiet up their asses, but he was pretty sure that Castiel really meant it. So he just nodded. “Sounds good, Cas."

Castiel huffed.

"What?! Don't you like that I call you Cas?"

“I like it better than ‘Cassie’. That is what Gabriel likes to call me.” Castiel admitted. “So I suppose I do like it, Dean.”

“Cool." Dean said as they reached the front door. "See you later, Cas.”

When Dean stepped outside and turned around, he waved. And Castiel just smiled again.

 

***

 

Sam dragged his tired legs to his bedroom and sat down on his bed. It was just selfish, he _felt_ selfish, feeling like this when Jessica was off on her own and doing all kinds of things.

It wasn’t that he had this desperate need to cling to his girlfriend, it wasn’t that he just refused to give her up and it wasn’t about being Jessica’s boyfriend or not. He just wasn’t simply surrendering her to the community there. Actually, if Jessica had told him it was over, if she had broken up with him and told him that they could never see each other anymore, he’d still be worried about her. He still wouldn’t leave the situation with a much lighter heart than he was doing right now.

But suddenly the phone in his pocket started buzzing. And he couldn’t remember the last time he’d picked up his phone this fast.

“Jess?! Are you alright?” He breathed. “Are you sure you’ve got everything? How is it there?”

“I just arrived at the airport, Sam. It was just a short car trip so nothing special, you know?” Jessica laughed. “But yeah, I have everything here. I’ve checked my baggage about four times when I was packing, so I can say I’m pretty sure.”

Sam sighed in relief. “So… When’s your flight?”

“In about ten minutes, so I still have to hurry. Why aren’t you in school?”

“I just got home, actually.” He said as he lied down on the mattress. “Asked Mr. Hendriksen if it was okay to skip my last class, and he told me that he understood. God, I’m so happy he’s not angry about my fight with Crowley anymore.”

“Yeah, he better isn’t. It’s already a damn shame he blamed you for everything at first, instead of giving you credit for saving Gabriel.”

Sam smiled. “Thank you, Jess. But enough about me now, let’s talk about you! What time are you gonna be arriving at that village?”

“I really don’t know, Sam. It depends on the public transport there. I’ll call you as soon as I know, okay?”

“Okay.” He swallowed, trying not to sound _that_ pathetic. He knew his girlfriend didn’t have that much time, so he knew they had to stop talking. “I guess you have to go now, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Jessica sighed. “I’m sorry, Sam.”

“No, it’s- It’s fine.”

“I… I got to go now.” She said softly. “I’ll… text you?”

Sam wanted to ask _when_. He wanted to know for how long he was going to miss her again, but it was just too inconsiderate to do that. He didn’t want to put any more stress on his girlfriend than needed. He had simply said ‘bye’ again, and hung up.

 

***

 

The wind picked up even more, whipping the branches of the trees into a frenzy. The dark yellow leaves were dancing frantically in the chill, caught by the rushing air. Sam bundled himself further into his coat, pulling it tightly across his chest, and started walking a little faster.

It was almost winter already. Wow, it couldn’t be, right? Hadn’t it just been summer? He had just written his exams, he had just broken up with Ruby, he had just stopped using and he had just moved in with Alastair and Gordon. And then, yeah, autumn had started, complete with hospital treatments, worried therapists and the problems with his dad.

Time had just gotten away from him, and he couldn’t seem to catch up. Because now autumn was fading so quickly into winter that it felt like he had missed it completely. Sam looked around him, trying to take it in.

Fallen leaves were lining the residential street, scattered across the pavement and piled up in the gutters. The leaves were covering the lawns, crunching under his feet, and their myriad colors were muting under the grey sky. Shouldn’t it be prettier than this? Last year it had all seemed so much more beautiful.

And yet here he was, after two of the closest persons in his life had left.

He wasn’t that angry with Gabriel anymore. Sure, he was going to miss him, but Sam was sure he’d come back for him, or at least contact him. Because when a friend left, they left you with regret, hugs and promises. You’d get emails, phone calls and an occasional letter. And hell, Gabriel was his _best_ friend. And he said he’d come back soon.

But if someone more than just a friend left… Well, Sam knew that could go a few ways. There could be anger, there could be tears, and sometimes even resignation on both sides. In that case they told each other that it had been good and that it was all over now.

That was why he was scared. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, and he didn’t know what Jessica was going to do/ What if she chose to leave him? Would that be such a bad thing? Was he going to be sad for a long time if she did? Would it be _better_ if she did?

Of _course_ he was going to miss his girlfriend, and of course he was going to be sad, but would it be _that_ bad? Because if their relationship remained, he had to deal with her constant absence. And what if it had to be like that for the rest of his life? What if she would never be home?

Sam swallowed. He’d rather live _without_ Jessica than live with her without _seeing_ her anymore. He’d be without her anyway, and Sam’s heart ached as he thought about it.

He shook his head as he freed himself from his train of thought. He shouldn’t be thinking too much about this. Because he knew whatever choices you made, whatever paths you chose to follow, nothing could be done about missing a person you loved. Actually, all you could do was smile and go on with your life.

And that’s when he decided that he was going to do just that. He had to go on with his life. He was going to live it, and he was going to _enjoy_ it, whether it was with or without Jessica.

 

***

 

Castiel grunted as he hid his face in the palm of his hands. His head was throbbing.

He had made the mistake of opening his eyes. The light had burned his retinas and was still resonating through his aching head. He flipped onto his stomach and pulled the large pillow over his head, squeezing his eyes shut. As was lying there, other aches made themselves known. His legs, his scalp, his neck, his wrists…

Voices yelling at him inside his head. Naomi, Father Metatron, he could hear them shouting, loudly, angry, grasping at his insides, pulling, yanking, tugging, fingernails catching on the ridges of his fragile body. He screamed that they had to stop, but they the pain was insistent and he couldn’t escape the beatings. His lethargic body tried to squirm away but got pushed down.

Castiel ripped the sheets off quickly. He scrambled out of his bed, wanting to get away from them, away from the sick feeling heavy in the pit of his stomach. He launched up, shaky legged, and trudged to his bathroom.

He didn’t make it to the toilet before he threw up, the bile burning his throat and the tears burning his eyes. He thought about cleaning it up, but realized he didn’t care. He just needed a shower, wash away his problems and get clean from everything.

He quickly reached for the shower knob, not even letting the stream warm up, before he stepped into the flow of icy water. His muscles froze immediately as soon as he felt the bitter cold beat against his skin. A shiver ran through his body, and he felt colder than the water. He felt colder than ice, even colder than he’d ever had before.

How had this all happened anyway? How had he fallen in love with a _man_? Being so close to Father Metatron, being so close to church, being so close to God and Heaven? He had gotten his second chance, but he had already ruined it. He was in love with _Dean._ He knew he couldn’t, he know he shouldn’t, he knew it was wrong. The words had been carved into his brain. This shouldn’t have happened to him.

He threw up again.

The water began to warm gradually, soon scalding his skin. The instinct to get away from the searing heat dimmed as Castiel grabbed the soap and rubbed himself all over. Lathering and rinsing over and over again to erase the feeling. To remove the feeling of  _Dean_  still lingering from his memories.

He avoided looking at his reflection in the mirror when he finally left the bathroom, stumbling back into his warm bedroom, an almost soothing numb filling his aching body. He didn't want to look at himself. He wasn’t sure if he could.

He fell backwards onto his bed, feeling jerky and disconnected. He was still feeling horrible, but it didn’t matter to him anymore. Nothing really mattered. Not the sick in his stomach, not the voices yelling at him in his head, not the bruises on his skin and in his heart.

No, that was a lie. Something did matter to him. Someone.

He swallowed hard to fight the bile rising to the back of his throat. What was he supposed to tell Dean? There was no way Dean wouldn’t know that something had happened to him. And it surely wouldn’t take long before he would guess that it had something to do with Naomi and Metatron. There was no way Castiel would act like he normally would. Not when he couldn’t even get his hands to stop shaking.

No, no. He didn’t need to try to hide what had happened to him. Dean would understand. He would, if Castiel could just explain everything to him. If he could just tell him how important he was for him. And then that he hadn’t been able to stop what had happened. And then that he had fallen-

He couldn’t even say it in his head anymore, how could he even say it out loud now?

Castiel slammed his hands down on the mattress as a pained whine came from the back of his sore throat. He forced his eyes shut to fight against the stinging tears that were already threatening to fall once again.

A soft buzzing coming from his nightstand caused him to lazily reach for his phone. He winced at the bright light of his screen, but then he read the four letters on his screen.

Castiel hesitated before pressing the red button and denying the call, causing his chest to tighten, and it got harder and harder to breathe.

He shouldn’t be thinking about Dean now. He should be cleaning up the mess he had made. He should be praying for forgiveness. He should be talking to someone-

He should be doing at least _something._

So finally he gave in, quickly pulling on a pair of black boxers and pajama pants, grabbing his phone and rushing out of his dark bedroom.

After putting his books back in his bookshelf and cleaning up his bathroom floor, Castiel fell face first onto the couch. He took a few deep breaths before rolling onto his side and bending his knees to his chest, so that his feet could fit onto it as well. He grabbed the remote off of the small coffee table and turned the TV on. He settled on a Star Trek marathon, and eventually he felt himself nodding off and let a deep sleep consume him.

 

***

 

Castiel was startled out of his sleep by the sound of a vibrating phone.

He glanced over at the clock to see that it was already past eleven, before he grabbed his phone to see who was calling him.

“Oh, Lord.” Castiel whispered as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Dean had tried to call him over multiple times already, and he hadn’t picked up one single time. But still, they shouldn’t talk to each other now. First Castiel had to work out a plan, figure out a way to tell his friend about everything. Dean wasn’t even supposed to call him, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Panic welled up inside Castiel’s chest as he stood up and pressed the green button on the screen. He _had_ to talk to Dean now. He _had_ to explain what was going on.

“What the hell, Cas?” Dean’s voice sounded angry through the phone.

“Dean? Please don’t be angry, I-” Castiel said, voice cracking as a lump choked his throat. He could feel his heartbeat speed up as the panic rose, inhaling sharply, jaw clenching, trying to catch a whimper.

“I’ve called you six damn times already!” Dean growled. “I’ve been standing in front of your door for nearly half an hour, but you wouldn’t pick up your fucking phone!”

“What? You were here? Why?”

“We had a goddamn _date_ remember?” His friend yelled, causing Castiel to flinch. “Around ten, at your place! Do you remember it now?! Do you even know how fucking _cold_ it was outside?”

“D-Dean, I- I…” He stuttered, his jaw quivering as he tried to think past his self-hate and the rising sense of restlessness that was causing the churning in his stomach and the unsteady beating of his heart.

“Shut up, Cas.” Dean snarled. “How the fuck could you forget?!”

Castiel tried to explain, tried to spit something out. “D-Dean, I didn’t- It's n-not…” He stuttered, before he bit his bottom lip and squeezed his eyes shut. A few tears were already leaking from his eyelids as he felt the weight of Dean’s anger beat against the guilt he was feeling.

“You know what?” Dean snapped. “Blow me, Cas.” And then he hung up the phone.

Castiel dropped onto the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest, feeling like he could no longer breathe. He brought his shaking hands up and wrapped them tightly around his legs, squeezing, and let his fingernails dig into the flesh, using the sharp dots of pain as a weak attempt to just _forget_.

Castiel’s head thunked on the ground. The pain brought a delicious sense of feeling without actual emotions, and he wasn’t even surprised to find a certain anxiety building up in his chest. He took deep shuddering breaths to calm himself down. With a shallow sense of distance, Castiel realized it was a brewing panic attack, like the ones he used to have after his father had died.

Why did everyone always leave him? Why did he always have to drive people away from him?

The panic he had restrained poured into his veins, adrenaline spiking, then dropping as he finally gave up. Tears streamed down his face as memories from a few hours ago, the ones he didn’t want to remember, flashed across his mind once again.

Castiel felt like screaming, but no sounds could escape his throat, except for one choked sob or two.

He wanted Dean. He wanted Dean to walk in his bedroom and wrap his arms around him. He wanted Dean to rub his back, to kiss every hidden bruise, to take away every memory he had and replace them with something better. He wanted Dean to press his lips to his forehead and whisper soothing words to him until they both fell asleep.

But Dean wasn’t going to be coming back now. This time Castiel had _really_ ruined everything. Again he was left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate every single one of you and I hope you're enjoying the story so far <3 I don't want to spoil anything, but ITS GONNA HAPPEN SOON GUYS ~~~~~  
> Please don't forget to give me some feedback if you have any :)


	25. Passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d never leave. He was stronger than that, and Dean knew. He had known it since the first time they had talked, and he would know it for the rest of his days. Because Castiel was just Cas. The one he’d fallen for. 
> 
> And Dean was going to try and rise above all this, overcome all of his shit. He’d try and be better, be worthy. He was going to put himself back together and pick up every feather, laying them back across Castiel’s spine with steady fingers and a sincere smile. Even if their skin was torn, thin, and greyed, he was going to stay. Because Cas had stayed.
> 
> Because Cas was Cas, and Dean was Dean.

Dean threw his bag on the ground after he’d slammed the front door shut behind him. Fuck Castiel. Fuck him and his beautiful smile, his heavenly eyes and his sexy hair. Just all of his looks were so- hypnotizing. Castiel made him get outside and see more of the world around them. He had made him drink tea. He had even read a damn _book_ because of him _,_ for fuck’s sake.

Dean sighed as he sat down on the couch. Why was he even still thinking about him? They were friends, sure, but it wasn’t like they were best friends. But it was still something more than friends, right? It was just special what they had together.

“Cas.” He murmured. “I just don’t get it, man. I dunno how every thought turns to  _you,_ but...”

He knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be worried about him. Cas was stronger than him. Stronger than he was right now, and stronger than he’d ever be. So why wasting time on thinking about Castiel?

But he was _him_. Cas was everything that came with being himself. Being that mess of mistakes, that whirlwind of absent minded hilarity and good timing, and that heavenly Hell.

Why did he face difficulties daily and instead of the fear for himself, for his friends, for Sammy, was he only curling around the same half-thought? How did his life suddenly consist of more feeling, more constant ache, and more unblinking, wild, persistent faith?

 _“Why_?” He muttered. “I just don’t get it…”

How could Cas turn to him and see someone that was _worth_  something? Something worth more than the damn door he should be shutting in his face, locking him away from the world and just letting him rot in there. 

 _No_ , instead Castiel held out his hand and shattered the door to splinters to free him. _Him._ The thing that shredded his wings, the thing that was less  _human,_  more _disgusting_ and more  _untrusting_ , more and more  _less_  with each day that passed. And _still_ Castiel turned, and spoke, and helped him, healed him. And every time he felt that Cas was breaking even more, and… He just didn’t get it.

The only thing he knew was that he was the mistake. Cas was the good guy and Dean was the poison. Castiel was always looking at him with pity, a pristine blue seeping away in the dark and depressing horror of _his_ eyes, leading to a soul so dark and damaged that he didn’t even deserve another chance anymore.

He was just too far gone, and Castiel had undoubtedly seen that. But still he stayed. And Dean had tried to show him and push him away at first. He tried to display Castiel’s mistake to get close, his misconception that Dean was worthy of the peace that was in his words, in his hold, in his unwavering faith in him. Dean didn’t deserve it, and he didn’t get it.

But Castiel was only being himself.

He’d never leave. He was stronger than that, and Dean knew. He had known it since the first time they had talked, and he would know it for the rest of his days. Because Castiel was just _Cas_. The one he’d fallen for.

And Dean was going to try and rise above all this, overcome all of his shit. He’d try and be better, be worthy. He was going to put himself back together and pick up every feather, laying them back across Castiel’s spine with steady fingers and a sincere smile. Even if their skin was torn, thin, and greyed, he was going to stay. Because  _Cas_  had stayed.

Because Cas was Cas, and Dean was Dean.

 

***

 

Castiel he grabbed his phone, grumbling because of the sudden loud noise filling the room. He winced at the bright light of the screen, but his eyes widened as he saw who was calling him.

“Dean!” He breathed. “I’m so sorry, I-“

Finally he heard Dean’s voice again, immediately causing him to relax a little bit. “None of that, Cas.” He said. “I’m the one who owes you a goddamn apology so I ain’t taking anything from you.”

“I shouldn’t have fallen asleep, Dean. I promised you something, and-“

“Can you listen to me for one second? I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I’m sorry, alright? So can we just forget all this and hang out anyway? I mean- Only if you still want to, you know?”

“Yes. Of course, Dean.” He replied. “When will you come over?”

“I, uhmm… I’m kinda close to your house right now, so we could like- How about in a few minutes? If you don’t mind?”

Castiel swallowed. “Right now? W- Why are you nearby?”

His friend huffed humorlessly. “I suppose that’s a no, then.”

“No! It’s not that!“ Castiel said quickly. “I just thought… It does not matter. You are still welcome in my house, Dean. When will you be here?”

“In a minute or so, I think. And why I’m here… I was just having a walk, thinking about stuff. Nothing special.”

“What kind of stuff?” Castiel asked curiously as he got up and started walking down the stairs, mentally preparing himself for being confronted with Dean again.

“It was _nothing_ , Cas. Drop it, will you?” Dean snapped.

Castiel’s breath caught in his throat. He should be really careful with pushing Dean. What if he was going to be angry again? What if he isn’t going to come back next time?

“Okay. I’m sorry, Dean.” He mumbled.

He heard Dean taking a deep breath. It almost sounded like he was _nervous._ “So… Are you gonna open the door or what?”

Castiel swallowed as his eyes widened. “Are you already at the door?”

“Yup.”

Castiel rushed towards the door and opened it with one big pull. His heart was beating so fast inside his chest, he could hardly breathe. He raised his eyes very slowly and there was Dean, standing right in front of him.

He felt his heart beating faster and faster as he stared into those green eyes. “I- I am there now.” He said dryly, still holding his phone up to his ear.

“Yeah, I get that.”

Castiel cleared his throat. “I’m gonna hang up now.”

“Right.”

He slowly lowered his arm, never losing eye contact with Dean. It felt like he could see the universe in his eyes, and a soft smile appeared on his face. Maybe he should tell Dean. If there was someone in this damned world that would understand him, it would be Dean.

“I’m sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to yell at you or something.” Dean started as he stepped inside. “I- I’m such an idiot sometimes, and I-”

“It’s okay, Dean. It was my fault in the first place.”

“So we’re like… Fine now? I mean, you aren’t angry anymore?”

Castiel smiled weakly. “Of course not. I forgive you, Dean. I’m happy I can be the one who helps you, and forgiveness can be a great help sometimes. Even if I’m not worthy of your friendship.”

“I know this sounds really creepy, but…” Dean started. “I really _like_ our friendship, or whatever this is. And you’re a big part of it. Half of it, actually” He laughed nervously. “You’re amazing, Cas. You know that, right?”

“So do I, Dean.” Castiel said softly, turning his back to him to hide the blush on his face. “Do you… Do you want something to drink? I could make tea if you-”

“No! I mean-“ Dean responded a little too quickly. “Let’s just sit down. I- I need to tell you something else.”

“Whatever you want, Dean.”

 

***

 

“I killed him, Dean! I murdered my own brother. I don’t know what to or what to tell my other siblings or God, I just-”

“Cas! Calm down, please. I’m with you, dude, and I ain’t going nowhere.”

“I’m a horrible person.” He sobbed. “And I don’t deserve your kindness.”

“You’re a good person, Cas.” Dean said softly as he placed a warm hand on his shoulder. “And you’re just a damn special person to me, and-“

“ _Why_?” Castiel hissed as he shrugged Dean’s hand off. “Because I’m a _freak_? I’m a monster, Dean, and you know it. Is that why I am special?”

“I- I don’t…”

“Tell me, Dean! Tell me that there isn’t anything I can do right! It’s the truth, and nobody can hide the truth.”

“Cas… To me you’re special. ‘Cause you…” Dean swallowed. “When you found me, and you sort of… The moment you saw me for who I was, and you wanted me as a friend anyway… It felt so damn amazing. To be seen. And to be understood and accepted. But I guess I didn't know what to do with that feeling, so I just didn't do anything at all.”

Their eyes locked, and more understanding started to unfold between them in the silence of dawn.

“I’m sorry that I am so distant, Dean. I wish I could help you and heal you and make everything better for you. But I can’t, and I am so sorry about that.”

Dean smiled. It was weak and a little sad. “You already do that, Cas. And stop blaming yourself for my problems. _I_ should be sorry, you know. I still replay our first conversation in my head a lot, on the bench when we'd just met. You reminded me so much of Sammy. The way you didn’t give a shit about how bad everything around you was and just kept trying to help everyone, help  _me._  I envied that about both of you, and I still do. But when I go over that conversation in my head, I'm always changing it. I just fix it so that before we walk away from there, I ask if you want to hang out sometime, and come to my house and watch a movie together or something. But I was just as scared at that moment as I am now. We weren’t even friends, and I was so scared to tell you about my shitty life. I was terrified that I would ruin your life and make everything even worse for you.”

He shifted closer, and his eyes crossed again in the way that Castiel fell in love with a little longer than a week ago. It was light enough now, and Castiel could see the constellation of freckles smattered over the bridge of Dean's nose. They were more prominent now that the sun was reflected by the thin layer of snow, perfectly spread across the frozen Earth. And they made Dean even more beautiful than before.

Dean continued, voice pitched lower this time. “I’m sorry for not telling you that you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, and that I like your hair and your trench coat and the way your lips twitch just before you start laughing. I’m sorry for not seeing through your bullshit and pretending I didn't care about you, that probably would've made the whole damn thing so much easier. And mostly I’m sorry that I can’t seem to shut the hell up right now when all I wanna do is- Is _kiss_ you.”

Castiel shook his head roughly, fingernails digging into his palms. “No! You don’t understand the actual depth of the problems I caused. You were sad because of me, I almost traumatized you, I- I am a monster, Dean! I killed my brother. I- I killed your _father_! There is no coming back from that. There is no redemption to be had. You should _hate_ me.”

“No, Cas. Quit underestimating me and stop blaming yourself. Dad's death was his own damn fault. And I understand exactly what you did. Yeah, you may have killed your stepbrother because of that douche. But are you ever going to do something that again? To anyone?"

“No.” Cas said without hesitation.

“And is it maybe possible that since your father was never around anymore and no one has given you the time of day to teach you the difference between the real good and bad, that maybe your skewed perception of the world isn’t entirely your fault?”

“Dean, I am a monster-”

"No, you're just confused." Dean interjected.  "And you’ve been mistreated. You made a mistake once. ‘Cause you listened to those sons of bitches. And now you've faced the consequences of those actions and you learned from it. It really sucks that you made that mistake in the first place, and you can blame yourself over and over again, but don’t you dare to take away my right to forgive you.”

A lump rose in Castiel's throat and the corners of his eyes started to sting. He buried his face in his pillow and shook his head back and forth, voice cracking as he responded. "I am so sorry, Dean. I'm so, so sorry.”

Dean shifted even closer and trailed a tentative hand down Castiel's back. Their bodies were pressed together, and Cas instinctively curled into Dean, into his warmth and his strength and his touch.

“I know, Cas.” Dean whispered. “And I forgive you. And I’m sure everyone would if they knew your story.”

“I do not deserve your forgiveness. And definitely not God's."

“That’s not up to you to decide, Cas.”

Dean backed away and reached out to tilt Castiel's chin up so that their eyes met once more, smiling softly. “Can I kiss you now?”

Castiel blinked out the small gathering of tears in his eyes and nodded before he could talk himself out of it with all the reasons why they shouldn’t.

Their lips met, gentle and slow, Dean’s hand still on his chin. Dean trailed his other hand up and down his back again, dragged his thigh to Castiel's hip so their legs were entangled.

The stormy sea of Cas’s mind, for the first time in years, finally calmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while guys, I've been busy with school and some personal crap. I've been struggling with a huge writers block too, and slowly but surely I'm writing the new chapter now :) It will be up next week, I swear! <3  
> I love you all, thanks for keeping up with me!


	26. New Fic //WIP//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeyyy there guys,
> 
> Ugh, I'm so so soooo damn sorry it has been so long since my last chapter. I just didn't feel like writing anymore, but guess what.... I AM RIGHT NOW! (finally)  
> Sooo... I've decided that chapter 26 is the last chapter of this fic, and I'm gonna write a sequel; Subscibers of Death.  
> I'm gonna be very busy tonight writing the first chapter, and hopefully I'll finish it before tomorrow.  
> Anyway, it's gonna be up this week, I promise you that!
> 
> Just a little more patience, and don't worry, I'm definitely gonna finish this fic <3

Please check out my sequel: Subscibers of Death


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